CHRISTIANESE 1.1: Getting Saved

STATEMENTS OF “FAITH”

GETTING SAVED

This is perhaps the most ubiquitous phrase in all of evangelical lingo, and there is a lot of foreign-sounding terminology necessary to understand this most central component of evangelicalism.

STATEMENTS OF “FAITH”

1. Ask Jesus Christ to come into your heart and be your personal Lord and Savior. Emphasis is on personal because it’s all about you. Ignore that this is written nowhere in the Bible nor existed as a concept throughout the vast majority of Christian history.
2. It’s better (best?) to have a Very Dramatic Conversion experience. Drugs. Sex. Rock and roll. Witchcraft. Devil worship. Public schools. Whatever provides the most entertainment. Be creative but (more or less) truthful.
3. The more altar calls the better. Make sure you’re really saved by recommitting your life to the Lord. On a weekly basis if necessary.
4. You gotta get baptized, bro. Full immersion is the way to go.
5. Jesus was White. Ignore that he was from the Middle East with Levantine heritage. Also ignore how much he resembles some famous artist models from the Italian Renaissance.
6. Believe that God demanded the bloody and brutal death of Jesus, His Own Son, as payment for the sins that you have personally committed. Your little white lies and greed and whatever else matter that much in the grand scheme of the Universe. Without that thoroughly financial exchange, you could never be forgiven by God and would burn in Hell for all eternity.
7. Number 6 above is known as penal substitutionary atonement. It is the ONLY way to understand the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. Ignore that it is only about 800 years old in a 2,000-year-old religion.
8. Anyone who doesn’t believe the exact right things about Jesus, God, the Church, and various other theological points will burn in Hell forever. (You, of course, believe all of the Exact Right Things.) Ignore that all of Jesus’ teachings in the Sermon on the Mount are about doing and being. Not about believing.
9. Faith healings are real. Ignore that basically every single one of these faith healers are total frauds.
10. There is no social aspect to the Gospel. Social justice is woke satanic communist fascist propaganda. Jesus was only talking about getting into Heaven after you die and absolutely nothing else whatsoever.
11. Say that you believe in the teachings of Jesus but rarely (if ever) follow any of them. You might not actually know what those teachings are. But you must never adit that.
12. Do the exact opposite of what Jesus taught. Always.
13. The prosperity gospel is real and the only proper Western (correct) way to understand the work of Jesus Christ. If God favors you, wealth will follow. Especially financial wealth. If God does not favor you, you will be poor. His displeasure might also extend to your (poor) health.

That’s a wrap for Module One’s statements of faith!

Got some queries?

Feel free to leave any questions in the comments section!

Go forth, question everything, and if you get re-saved next week, we’ll pretend it never happened.