How to write a Breitbart article
Or, 4 simple ways to be terrible at journalism
Jim C. Hines wrote a great post the other day after Breitbart Tech’s Allum Bokhari published an entire article sourced from an anonymous comment. Bokhari penned with undeserved rage against imaginary demons known as Social Justice Warriors; Hines responded with tact and integrity, two words Professional Breitbart Writers consider to be a fancy way of describing self-censorship.
We here at Amala Network cannot condone working for Breitbart when there’s a whole world of hard candies one could be power-bombed onto instead. We can, however, provide a guide for reference to any budding writers out there looking to ruin their own career.
Cite your coworker’s claims to prove the claims of that coworker
A current trend in Professional Breitbart Writer circles is to write about your coworkers’ online tantrums in a positive way. Most writers may find this to be a difficult task, especially when a new tantrum may occur twice per week. How can you possibly write a proper article investigating everything your coworker says?
Don’t be discouraged! Allum Bokhari has found a solution so easy, it’s almost like you’re not writing an article at all!
Astute readers of your article may wonder why you are backing up your claim with the Twitter equivalent of a pinky promise; they’re not part of the True Breitbart Audience and their concerns can be successfully disregarded.
Cite your own labels for proof of your own claims
Your coworkers shouldn’t take all the spotlight when trying to praise themselves. Sometimes, you need to get your own name out there! How else will people know that you’re willing to write dozens of articles praising them for praising their own ego?
Allum Bokhari once again leads the pack when it comes to self-citation. In the above article, you will find Allum citing their own labeling of a coworker being a leading figure in a movement, which naturally proves their claim of their coworker being a leading figure in a movement.
Some would compare this to starting a Wikipedia page about yourself which mentions your telepathic abilities, listing your own blog as the citation, then writing a blog post about your Wikipedia page proving your telepathic abilities exist. Those people would likely not be part of the True Breitbart Audience.
Side note: Coining of the term ‘cultural libertarianism’ occurred in an article co-authored by Allum and the very same person Allum points to as a leading figure of the movement. We consider this acceptably within the bounds of Breitbart Standards and Ethics.
Cite nothing at all
Writing can be hard work. A good article involves researching topics so you can explain them to your readers in a manner they understand. A great article might supplement this research with statements from experts relevant to the topics at hand.
But you’re writing a Breitbart article! Research and expert statements only divert resources better spent informing your audience of vague threats to their freedom! John Hayward knows the best way to drop some Breitbart Truths is to throw in as many vaguely defined, Scared For Their Freedom groups as possible.
Bokhari, being the type to never get one-upped, expands the Breitbart Truths to include an entire industry and unnamed — but surely upstanding — Wikipedia editors.
These two Professional Breitbart Writers provide the baseline you should follow as an author of poorly written political fan-fiction.
Manufacture outrage against false targets
The baseline can be fine for the unmotivated. Lee Stranahan was so unmotivated, they wrote an article blaming ‘black activists and their comrades’ for a hashtag filled with white people and trolls. The article was successful enough to earn almost 20k shares on Facebook and 6k comments. All it took was a look at the hashtag for a handful of tweets where the profile pic contained a specific color of skin.
Why settle for the baseline, though? Working for Breitbart means you’re the Robin to Donald Trump’s Batman in a Gotham where everyone could be a potential Joker. Excellence is par for the course and you’re golfing with a shotgun.
There is no Professional Victim and Breitbart Writer better than Milo Yiannopoulos, the perfect model for turning your career into a dumpster fire. This person exemplifies the kind of ethical journalism at the foundation of Breitbart’s legacy. From threatening employees over their unpaid wages, to reinforcing a massive harassment campaign by intentionally lying about the collusion of journalists; nobody knows the Breitbart Standards and Ethics handbook like Milo.
The art of manufactured outrage cannot be expressed in screenshots. Similarly so for the career of Milo Yiannopoulos. At best, you’ll get a vague sense of unease usually associated with taking a chance that expiration dates are exaggerated. At worst, you’ll actively harass the survivors of sexual assault because the thought that someone, somewhere, isn’t talking about you turns you into a baby with a full diaper.
We here at Amala Network guarantee that you’ll be unemployable everywhere but Breitbart if you follow this guide. If you found this guide useful, consider supporting us on Patreon!