When Money Makes Couples Distant, Depressed, and (More) Financially Stressed
Relationships, mental health, and financial stress all intersect due to social psychology.
Connecting the psychological dots
Money can be stressful. Throughout 2020, money has proven a widespread source of stress for Americans. Perhaps due to the visibility of this nationwide issue, there’s an emerging appreciation for the reality that economic stressors are emotionally activating.
Various national financial wellness reports from 2020 show financial health concerns also influence our sense of well-being:
- 65% of student loan borrowers feel more anxious, depressed, and stressed about money due to COVID-19
- 56% cite peace of mind as their primary reason for setting financial goals (versus improving financial outcomes)
- 54% indicate financial challenges are their greatest source of stress
- 52% of employees are more concerned about their financial health due to the pandemic than their physical health
This COVID-19 financial stress is also causing ripple effects, breaking a metaphorical surface tension in millennials’ intimate relationships. In addition to the baseline vulnerability couples face when jointly managing finances, millennial couples have seen a surprising wave of gender inequality in financial decision-making.
In fact, how we react to our partners’ financial stressors can sustain, strengthen, or weaken our relationships. The good news is that our relationships are no ordinary level of helpful — relationships are a potent tonic for soothing stress. The trickier truth is that throttling financial stress and achieving joint financial goals takes sustained effort. Financial strain remains harmful to relationship functioning and satisfaction due to greater negative interactions (arguing, stonewalling) and less positive interactions (affection, support).
When our partners amplify our stress, the risks to our health go up in not just one, not just two, but three areas — financial, relationship, and mental health.
That dance demands much more than communication because far more is folded into this issue than meets the eye. Understanding these psychological components can help us make sense of our strong reactions to financial issues.
Psychology of money 101
- Gender roles — what’s socially expected of men or women
- Power dynamics — control and autonomy
- Earning power — variable ability to earn income
- Economic security — sense of safety or insecurity regarding basic needs
- Financial history — habits and approach to activities like paying bills
- Financial literacy — knowledge of money management basics
- Family financial genogram — how our families of origin managed money
- Attitudes — sometimes called “money mindset”
- Identify— how finances factor into self-perception
- Financial courage — making financial decisions in spite of incomplete information
- Financial confidence — taking action to achieve a goal
- Personal values — what you most value or want to prioritize in life
- Poverty neurology — science shows being impoverished can alter the brain structurally
- Minority stress — economic discrimination can influence an individual’s relationship with money
Marc and Jamal’s story
When our partners amplify our stress, the risks to our health go up in not just one, not just two, but three areas — mental, relationship, and financial health. This is Marc (they/them/theirs) and Jamal’s (he/him/his) story.
The vignette illustrates the ways these three parts of our lives can and often do intersect to make couples feel distant, depressed, and even more financially stressed. Editor’s Note: Practical, how-to tips at end of the story suggest what to avoid vs. what is helpful.
Mental health
Marc is feeling a little unsure of his purpose lately and whether he’s any good at his job. They’re sometimes indifferent about daily responsibilities, like paying student loan bills and even meeting work deadlines. That isn’t like Marc, who normally pays bills early.
- These are clinical symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder (Depression)
- Marc’s poor financial hygiene is influenced by numbness and indifference
- Strong financial literacy and a consistently responsible financially history
- Marc is questioning their sense of purpose and identity
Relationships
Marc’s husband, Jamal, hasn’t been home much lately. He’s a physician working exhausting hours during the pandemic. When they do see each other, Jamal often dismisses Marc’s sense of shame about earning less. Jamal laughs and says his income can support them both comfortably, there’s nothing to worry about.
- Jamal’s dismissiveness may push Marc away, leading to loneliness and relationship dissatisfaction
- Marc is embarrassed by their earning power being significantly lower than Jamal’s
- Power dynamics between Marc and Jamal are a pattern
- It seems gender role expectations are disparate between Jamal and Marc, who identify as gay male and genderqueer individual, respectively
- Earning their own living is a personal value for Marc
Financial
In their daily work, Marc struggles to find pride and meaning. Their deadlines keep slipping — and their boss has noticed. At their end-of-year performance reviews, Marc understandably didn’t get a merit raise but was also not offered the cost-of-living adjustment many coworkers were. Marc also got a $35 late payment charge for missing November’s student loan payment.
- Costs compound when Marc doesn’t make the $35 payment
- Financial confidence is waning for Marc after a disappointing trifecta — the late fee, Jamal’s hurtful comment, and no annual raise
- Marc’s depression influenced career performance and earning power
- It’s possible Marc was discriminated against as a queer individual and did deserve a cost-of-living raise
What we can learn from Marc and Jamal
Confession time. Marc and Jamal are an imaginary couple but could easily be real. Their story is one of unhelpful stress amplification. But, it could look different. Jamal’s support could be a profound force of change. Even small, everyday habits could help Marc mute the runaway ruminations about self-worth tied to his income.
Examples of ways Jamal could be an incredible partner to help Marc’s mental, financial, and relationship health include:
- Make a list of in-network psychotherapists
- Help enroll loans in autopay
- Express affection and gratitude
- Seek to understand why earning more is important to Marc
- Relocate Marc’s home office in the house to an area with more sunlight
More actionable tips
What weakens relationships
😐 Telling your partner they shouldn’t be emotional about money
🔇 Tuning out, changing the topic
🔨 Rushing to fix vs understand
🗣️ Judging, shaming financial situation
😜 Joking to avoid taking concerns seriously
🤝 Reducing your parnter’s autonomy, control
Ways to strengthen relationships
👂 Listening, validating feelings
💭 Aligning shared values, vision for future with joint finances
🥰 Asking open-ended questions
🆘 Judgement-free support, esp in crises
💡 Stress mgmt/coping activities
📚 Growing financial knowledge, courage
Annette Miller is the Cofounder and CEO of Enriched Couples, a financial therapy platform that uses psychology to guide couples through unifying their values, financial priorities, and future goals.
