Designated Homer 002: Falling in love with the Pittsburgh Pirates like a fool
Welcome to a new series we’re trying out this year for the 2022 MLB season. Think of this as a running diary of a free agent beisbol fan, which is what we’ve been ever since the Boston Red Sox decided that nope they didn’t want to keep — and pay — one of the game’s five or so best players. All season long, we’ll watch games and identify our favorite team(s) of the moment. We’re not quite sure how much or often we’ll be checking in on this space, but we promise it’ll be semi regularly. This is Designated Homer 002.
Thanks for checking back in this space for the second instalment of this new series. As a token of our appreciation, we’re giving you a bulletproof idea for a new ugly t-shirt: “I’m an MLB beisbol fan and all I got to show for it are those lousy Bose headphones.”
The context, here, is that as action was getting underway for Opening Day on a 2022 season that we had come to not expect, MLB and commish Rob Manfred decided to gift all players a gift box that included, notably, Bose headphones and a “note of appreciation” from Rob himself.
That’s right. After locking out the players and endangering the 2022 season until landing a couple of Hail Marys to preserve it, Manfred gave the players the same birthday gift our parents gave us for our 17th birthday. Cool. Cool, cool, cool. After the end of the lockout, the commish had met with reporters to shoot the shit and, among other things, told them that he would make it a priority to work on improving his relationship with them. First on the to-do list, it seems, was this gift box to celebrate this averted crisis that was very much of his own doing.
But Manfred has it all backwards. You don’t give them the headphones first, you start with making them a playlist. And only once they’ve told you how much they love your playlist, that’s when you seal the deal with a pair of great headphones. To better appreciate their favourite songs, and you wink as you tell them this ;)
Leader in the club house: Pittsburgh Pirates
Look, we’re a simple man. Give us gorgeous uniforms and you’re already well on your way to capturing our heart. And if nothing else, the Buccos sure as hell have nice uniforms. It’s a versatile look that, with a little emphasis on their yellow around the collar and another emphasis on the lettering in the front as well as the numbers on the back, it’s a versatile look, yes, that gains a massive edge whether they’re playing home or away. Their patch of a pirate on their arms is a great add — but nothing shines as bright as their black hat with the yellow P. There’s not a nicer brim in all of beisbol.
So there it is. We’re in love with the Pirates for reasons that have little to nothing to do with on-field action thankfully, and nothing could and ever will go wrong. Oh what’s that? Oh God, this is already a disaster.
Wild Card 1: Houston Astros
This early in the MLB season, returns on our Astros investment have been pretty uneven. That’s as far as on-field stuff goes. Off the field, it’s been terrible and with good reason. And it will always be terrible. We’re big dumb :(.
Pitching has been a shining light for the ‘Stros, and it has helped propel the team to a pedestrian record, all the while the offense has been pretty abysmal. If only there was a way for the Astros hitters to get back on track. You know, like, something they could do together as an organization to get a jump start when they’re up to bat. Ideally, something that tells them which pitches are coming up and when, in real time. Let us know if you find anything.
Wild Card 2: Miami Marlins
Jesus! Jesus! Jesus! Our lord and savior Jesus Sanchez has been on a tear so far, and we couldn’t be happier.
Wild Card 3: Toronto Blue Jays
They make the cut here because, for every home series at Rogers Centre, they are forcing every idiot who’s unvaccinated on every visiting team, to pull their pants down and show the world their entire ass.
Others receiving votes
San Francisco Giants. For our money, which is worth actually nothing at all, the San Francisco Giants have the absolute greatest City Connect jerseys.
Los Angeles Dodgers. You have to hand it to the Los Angeles Dodgers. The big bad wolves of the NL have won the West division crown every year since, like, 1723, and have tallied 100-win season after 100-win season but all they have to show for it is a lone World Series title. That’s rough, really. And still, they keep excelling and going after it and just generally being an excellent team. They get 7 perfect innings on 80 pitches from Clayton Kershaw and pull him from the game, because they dream of a perfect October. They’re the juggernaut that deserves more but still goes hard in hopes that more is just around the corner.