BOOKMARKED: A recalibrated take on self-love

How to take charge according to Susan Newman’s The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It — and Stop People Pleasing Forever

I have been in countless situations previously when I kept mum about my opinions and preferences to avoid arguments, confrontations, and disagreements. I grew up believing that I must steer away from anything that can put me in sticky situations because it creates unwanted tension. It must be human nature to abide by pleasantries and hospitality in the name of being likable.

Now that I have read Susan Newman’s The Book of No: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It — and Stop People Pleasing Forever, I learned to reflect on the many times I did not act on my preferences, welcomed disrespect, and allowed myself to be subservient. The book takes a direct approach to self-help through specific scenarios people encounter in their daily lives — from dining out to repainting the baby room. It is essentially a consolidated cheat sheet for people who have trouble refusing demands and requests from friends, family, colleagues, and even sales agents. I appreciate how Newman provides a general description and analysis of a situation and suggests various ways a person might want to approach it. Furthermore, she ends every bullet point with a mini-pep talk that delves into what makes it essential to express disdain and disaffection.

Sometimes, we overlook the ways we curtail our needs by putting others before ourselves. As the saying goes, “It starts with the little things.” The book provides a useful and handy guide for taking charge and exercising autonomy. Newman reiterates that by allowing our preferences to be known, we let ourselves be in control. The Book of No also discusses the importance of calling out disrespectful advances from other people, which reminds me of a time I once worked with someone who somehow encroaches on my work by doing it herself. She would make it known that she has more experience in the field and therefore has better ideas. I felt that she was overstepping by diluting my presence in the organization. I never verbalized my distate of her actions, which might have made her think that I was tolerant of it. True enough, Newman writes:

“Half the time you agree because you think someone else has better taste or more experience. You will allow yourself to be pressured and bullied; you don’t speak up and end up feeling exasperated — mumbling to yourself later, “If only I had said no.” It’s time to practice saying no to those people who sway your decisions.”

“Stop measuring your self-worth in terms of what you do for others.” It is a necessary nudge that we need, now and then. In college, I was the companion that you could drag anywhere and anytime. I often cut class to grab lunch with my friends and party on school nights when I still have work to do. I was never the most engaging or extroverted in the room, which someway influenced me to take every request and invitation as a compliment. I do not hate and blame my friends for merely extending an invite. However, my lack of reluctance of changing plans according to other peoples’ convenience exhibits how easily I let them control my time. Newman reminds her readers that being the go-to person is not necessarily a flattering trait. It can easily lead to burnout, social exhaustion, and frustration. If anything, it permits one to be railroaded. The book possesses an awareness of the human weakness of being disliked. In general, we say yes to our friends because we want to keep our strong bonds with them; we avoid refusing family because it might lead to feud, and we habitually say yes to bosses and colleagues because we are worried that one “no” might dent our careers. You can still be a good friend, daughter, professional, and parent even if you do not make yourself available to others all the time. After all, we individually have personal crises to attend to.

I am an inveterate “yes” person, not only to others but especially to myself. Newman defines the likes of me as a performance junkie. I take on responsibilities, sometimes even more than I can handle, because I have this belief that productivity equates to self-worth. While there is some truth in it, Newman says, “In most jobs, people are defined by what they produce, but if you stretch yourself out too thin, you run the risk of making mistakes or doing a mediocre job.” Newman dedicates an entire chapter that talks about strategically weighing priorities and critically judging opportunities. She delves into the importance of knowing your limits and the repercussions of being a know-it-all.

I admit that I did not thoroughly enjoy the book because some scenarios were inapplicable to my current disposition. A couple of pages discuss children, spouses, in-laws, neighbors, and the like. I do not necessarily relate to them, but I would like to point out that there were a few sections that allowed me validate my standards for a future parter. She writes,“Don’t underestimate your parter’s ability to handle chores you routinely do.” Chores are not gendered. If you cohabitate, it is salient that you work as a team, especially when it comes to errands and tasks, because you would not want one of you to be a personal butler or mother. With that, I thank Susan Newman for preparing me for the future. Who knows, I might soon just grow into this book and resonate with chapters discussing children and in-laws. Moreover, I also noticed how the book is quite repetitive by providing several closely related scenarios. Combining some of them would have saved a lot of pages. Despite its discount factors, I still find The Book of No as a captivating book that will challenge you to be comfortable with your emotions enough to make them known.

Many people would define self-love as the practice of treating oneself may it be through a lazy day or a hearty splurge. At its core, self-love emanates from the courage to utter the word “no.” It is an equally arduous and dauntless commitment — or lack thereof — to oneself and other people. I thought I was accommodating myself by avoiding arguments and disagreements as they are potentially stressful situations. “You don’t have to be aggressive, defensive, or offensive when you refuse,” Newman writes; there is no need for a lengthy explanation or apology, a straightforward “no” can free you up from chains just fine.

How To Say No: 250 Ways to Say It — and Mean It — and Stop People Pleasing Forever offers a refreshing take on what it means to love oneself. If you are interested in a light reading that will help you be more in charge of your life, then you shall say “yes” to this one.