How to make people like you and get them onboard

Reading notes of “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie

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Amateur Book Reviews

9 min readFeb 5, 2021

I first thought this book might be outdated and lengthy that I may not finish. But I finished and gained more than I would expect.

While reading, I did lots of retrospectives about things I did wrongly in the human relationship in the past and what I could do differently next time.

This is an old (firstly published in 1936) but classic book about how to win friends and influence people.

The key takeaway I got from this book is “Always make the other person happy then they will be happy doing the thing you suggest”.

Book info:

ISBN: 9780671723651
Date read: 2021–01–29
How strongly I recommend it: 8/10

My notes:

Fundamental Techniques in Handling People.

Don’t criticize, condemn, or complain. When people are criticized or humiliated, they rarely respond well and will often become defensive and resent their critic.
Give honest and sincere appreciation. People will rarely work at their maximum potential under criticism, but honest appreciation brings out their best.
Arouse in the other person an eager want. See things from the point of view of others. When we can combine our desires with their wants, they become eager to work with us and we can mutually achieve our objectives.

6 Ways to Make People Like You

1. Become genuinely interested in other people.

Find out the birthdays of friends.
Greet people with animation and enthusiasm.
When answering the phone, Say “Hello” in tones that bespeak how pleased you are to have the person call.

2. Smile 😀

Your “smile” comes through in your voice.
The Value of a Smile: It costs nothing, but creates much.

3. Remember people’ name.

Remember that a person’s name is, to that person, the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
We can make people feel extremely valued and important by remembering their name.

4. Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.

Be an attentive listener. To be interesting, be interested. Ask questions that other persons will enjoy answering.
Encourage them to talk about themselves and their accomplishments.

5. Talk in terms of the other person’s interest.

Talking in terms of the other person’s interests pays off for both parties.
Use this in the interview: What I can bring to the company(insert company name). What I can make difference to the team (apart from saying what you are good at and past experience).

6. Make the other person feel important — and do it sincerely.

Always make the other person feel important. e.g. “I certainly wish I had your head of hair”.
Little phrases such as “I’m sorry to trouble you,” “Would you be so kind as to -?” “Won’t you please?” “Would you mind?” “Thank you” — little courtesies like these oil the cogs of the monotonous grind of everyday life.
Almost all the people you meet feel themselves superior to you in some way, and a sure way to their hearts is to let them realize in some subtle way that you recognize their importance, and recognize it sincerely.
Expressed honest admiration for people’s hobby and achievements.

10 Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking

1. The only way to get the best of an argument is to avoid it.

You can’t win an argument. You can’t because if you lose it, you lose it; and if you win it, you lose it. You hurt their pride and will never get your opponent’s good will.
Our first natural reaction in a disagreeable situation is to be defensive.
Listen first. Give your opponents a chance to talk. Let them finish. Do not resist, defend or debate. This only raises barriers. Try to build bridges of understanding. Don’t build higher barriers of misunderstanding.
Look for areas of agreement. When you have heard your opponents out, dwell first on the points and areas on which you agree.
Be honest. Look for areas where you can admit error and say so. Apologize for your mistakes. It will help disarm your opponents and reduce defensiveness
Thank your opponents sincerely for their interest. Anyone who takes the time to disagree with you is interested in the same things you are. Think of them as people who really want to help you, and you may turn your opponents into friends.

2. Show respect for the other person’s opinions. Never say “You’re wrong.”

You will never get into trouble by admitting that you may be wrong. That will stop all argument and inspire your opponent to be just as fair and open and broad-minded as you are. It will make him want to admit that he, too, may be wrong.
Few people are logical. Most of us are prejudiced and biased. A Sure Way of Making Enemies — and How to Avoid It. Most of us are blighted with preconceived notions, with jealousy, suspicion, fear, envy and pride
When we are wrong, we may admit it to ourselves. And if we are handled gently and tactfully, we may admit it to others and even take pride in our frankness and broad-mindedness.

3. If you’re wrong, admit it quickly and emphatically.

When we are wrong — and that will be surprisingly often, if we are honest with ourselves — let’s admit our mistakes quickly and with enthusiasm
Not only will that technique produce astonishing results; but it is a lot more fun than trying to defend oneself

4. Start with questions to which the other person will answer yes.

In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing — and keep on emphasizing — the things on which you agree. Keep emphasizing, if possible, that you are both striving for the same end and that your only difference is one of method and not of purpose

5. Let the other person do a great deal of the talking.

Let the other people talk themselves out. Ask them questions. Let them tell you a few things.
If you disagree with them you may be tempted to interrupt. But don’t. It is dangerous. They won’t pay attention to you while they still have a lot of ideas of their own crying for expression. So listen patiently and with an open mind. Be sincere about it. Encourage them to express their ideas fully.

6. Let the other person feel the idea is his or hers.

“I urged him to give me his ideas. This made him feel that he was creating the designs. And he was. I didn’t have to sell him. He bought.”
“I learned the best way to convert him to an idea was to plant it in his mind casually and get him thinking this is his idea.” (like inception)

7. Try honestly to see things from the other person’s point of view.

Say to yourself, “How would I feel, how would I react if I were in his shoes.
Cooperativeness in conversation is achieved when you show that you consider the other person’s ideas and feelings as important as your own.
Accepting his or her viewpoint will encourage the listener to have an open mind to your ideas.
Tomorrow, before asking anyone to put out a fire or buy your product or contribute to your favorite charity, why not pause and close your eyes and try to think the whole thing through from another person’s point of view? Ask yourself: “Why should he or she want to do it?”.
I would rather walk the sidewalk in front of a person’s office for two hours before an interview than step into that office without a perfectly clear idea of what I was going to say and what that person — from my knowledge of his or her interests and motives — was likely to answer.

8. Be sympathetic with the other person’s ideas and desires.

“I don’t blame you one for feeling as you do. If I were you I would undoubtedly feel just as you do.”
People are hungering and thirsting for sympathy. Give it to them, and they will love you.

9. Dramatize your ideas.

In this fast-paced world, simply stating a truth isn’t enough. The truth must be made vivid, interesting, and dramatic. Television has been doing it for years. Sometimes ideas are not enough and we must dramatize them.

10. Throw down a challenge.

The thing that most motivates people is the game. Everyone desires to excel and prove their worth. If we want someone to do something, we must give them a challenge and they will often rise to meet it.

Be a Leader: How to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment

Begin with praise and honest appreciation. Beginning with praise is like the dentist who begins his work with Novocain. The patient still gets a drilling, but the Novocain is pain-killing.
Call attention to people’s mistakes indirectly. If we subtly and indirectly show people mistakes, they will appreciate us and be more likely to improve.
Talk about your own mistakes before criticizing the other person. Admitting one’s own mistakes — even when one hasn’t corrected them — can help convince somebody to change his behavior.
Ask questions instead of giving direct orders. No one likes to take orders. If we offer suggestions, rather than orders, it will boost others’ confidence and allow them to learn quickly from their mistakes. Don’t say “Do this or do that,” or “Don’t do this or don’t do that.” But say, “You might consider this,” or “Do you think that would work?” “Is there anything we can do to handle this order?” “Can anyone think of different ways to …?” “Is there any way to …?”
Let the other person save face. Nothing diminishes the dignity of a man quite like an insult to his pride. Hurting a man in his dignity is a crime. If we don’t condemn our employees in front of others and allow them to save face, they will be motivated to do better in the future and confident that they can.
Praise the slightest improvement and praise every improvement. Be “hearty in your approbation and lavish in your praise.”
Give the other person a fine reputation to live up to. If you want to improve a person in a certain respect, act as though that particular trait were already one of his or her outstanding characteristics.
Use encouragement. Make the fault seem easy to correct. If a desired outcome seems like a momentous task, people will give up and lose heart. But if a fault seems easy to correct, they will readily jump at the opportunity to improve. If we frame objectives as small and easy improvements, we will see dramatic increases in desire and success in our employees.

9. Make the other person happy about doing what you suggest.

Be sincere. Do not promise anything that you cannot deliver. Forget about the benefits to yourself and concentrate on the benefits to the other person
Know exactly what it is you want the other person to do.
Be empathetic. Ask yourself what it is the other person really wants.
Consider the benefits that person will receive from doing what you suggest.
Match those benefits to the other person’s wants.
When you make your request, put it in a form that will convey to the other person the idea that he personally will benefit.

Dealing with people is probably the biggest problem you face, especially if you are in business. About 15% of one’s financial success is due to one’s technical knowledge and about 85% is due to skill in human engineering — to personality and the ability to lead people.

Highest-paid personnel in engineering are frequently not those who know the most about engineering. But the person who has technical knowledge plus the ability to express ideas, to assume leadership, and to arouse enthusiasm among people — that person is headed for higher earning power.

Learning is an active process. We learn by doing. So, if you desire to master the principles you are studying in this book, do something about them. Apply these rules at every opportunity. If you don’t, you will forget them quickly. Only knowledge that is used sticks in your mind.

Reference

[1] Carnegie Dale. “How to Win Friends and Influence People.” Simon & Schuster, 1981

[2]https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/How_to_Win_Friends_and_Influence_People