dear petunia
November 2022
Listening to The Oh Hellos just gives me chills. It makes me want to pack my bags and fly to England. I love them so much; words started flowing out and I just had to write them down! So, in honor of my favorite Brits, I created this poem.
For the past few months, I’ve been processing a lot of things regarding relationships. I had put this subject in the back burner for quite a long time now; thinking there are so much more important things I should focus on instead of stupid love affairs. I know it sounds very defensive and that’s because I had fear of failure. Relationships in general are very challenging for me. So, when it comes to romantic relationships, I decided to avoid it for a while; which turned into years lol. And, I really enjoy being single honestly. For the past few years since, I’d been only focusing on my calling/ my work, my family, and myself. Looking for S.O was the last thing I would put my energy into, because it was too much for me. To be more honest, I was scared.
Recently, I’ve had conflicting moments when the narrative out there says that if you’re at a certain age or at a certain point in life and remain single, that means there’s something wrong with you. I’m sure this has been a struggle for many people as well. If you encounter similar situation, I feel you, boo. I can’t speak for everyone; but for me there has been pressure from every side, and people just blatantly assert their opinion and agenda on me. These well-meaning individuals seem to have a “spiritual” take on my (love) life. And I noticed they tend to assume instead of simply come forward with honesty & good intention. Things got out of control — lots of matchmaking remarks justified by prophetic arguments. One-sided, premature, biased conclusions that cost some of my treasured friendships. Beyond irritated, I was spent; because whenever I met these people, they seemed to be more interested in the gossips rather than actually check with me. Truth is, I’m not praying for some names because many people “heard from God that this man is good for me” as a sign of divine confirmation and clarity. This is not what I’m seeking for. Not until there is a real person who is intentionally and simply pursue me whom I can pray with.
With that being said; I want to remain authentic to my identity in Christ, to my prayers, and to my decision when I eventually make one. As I’m writing this poem, may this reaffirm my faith in Jesus; the Bridegroom — my heart’s First Love. This journey might have been quite cold and aloof for some time, but I believe God has already gone before me; preparing me for His purpose. The best of me, of us, is found in Him alone.
“Hello, my old heart,
It’s been so long
Since I’ve given you away”
I have embraced
If all I am
Is who He says,
And who He’s made:
“Hello, my old heart,
How have you been?
Are you still there inside my chest?”
I’ve come to realize
That all these things
I had kept inside my “chest”
Would all go rotten
Without the key
’Cause He alone
Unlocks my best.
So here I am,
Standing my ground
Regardless of the noises
And the labels.
While they say I’m missing
‘The other half’
I know it’s better to wait
And be still.
It’s better to remain
Bright and in bloom,
Withstanding the cold nights
Rising above the doom and gloom.
’Cause if I’m patient –
If I have faith –
I’ll see my Heavenly Father
Face-to-face.
And if He wants me
To link my hands
In the spaces within his.
Then I’ll look forward
To the day
When vows are spoken;
Not inferred.
We will walk out from
The chapel door:
As one.
But if not then, well,
It doesn’t change
The core of who I am;
He calls us His bride
And promises
That we will never be alone.
That heartache pales in comparison to love.
This heartache pales in comparison to be loved.
“Lord I know You are worth the wait.
Let me taste the fruit of the Living Vine.”
“Lord, this road is meant for two,
So I am waiting here for you.”
