FROZEN
Surabaya — July 27, 2020
Fight or flight, fight or flight
Trembling hands, sweat dripped on her garment.
Fight or flight, fight or flight
Tongue-tied, stuck in the moment.
.
Flesh and bones to the core,
Frozen in time, “Hands in the air!”
Hide your face, the world is at war!
Can’t breathe! Darkness sits with a mean stare.
.
Cold was the night, still, she arrived wearing blue,
On her knees, the vision remained true,
“Life is a dance, it always takes two..”
.
Long was the road that leads her home after,
Clock struck midnight, reality begged to differ,
Gone was the girl with the glass slipper.
.
Holding on to promises with tight grips,
But these dreams slipped through her fingertips,
Where hope used to touch her lips.
.
Selah…
.
Stillness, let me sit with you…
Unlearn my lessons, tame the shrew!
Heart untethered, freedom starts anew —
.
Peace, let me dive deeper…
Don’t let this hope sink in frigid water,
Let it anchored in you, oh God my Father.
God, I’m waiting here for you
“Sing louder, know that the only way is through!”
This sound of winter begins to subdue,
In Your shadow my Light is found; strength renewed-
Forever grateful, tattooed with “Thank You”.
I approached covid-19 pandemic with “we’ve-got-this-attitude”. I was not one to sit with feelings, nor do I speak them out loud to many people. But these days, I’m forced to sit down with these unidentified waves of emotions. Alone.
At best, I try to change these narratives in mind. Holding these thoughts captive; catch the negative ones and even “good” ones.
I realized the isolation grows a little stronger everyday. A hermit in the making I became — or Rapunzel if you prefer (although I used Cinderella in this poem) doesn’t make it any less true. I literally grow my hair and sit on the balcony everyday; working, walking, working some more, worrying some more. Nights spent wide awake, the essential oils are no use anymore. Ironically, no amount of caffeine could wake me up from the morning misery. Motivations come and go like a manic episodes.
I HATE this version of me with cold disposition. Yes, hate is a strong word because I know this is not who I am and who I will become.
“Did I see it wrong? Did I hear it wrong? But God, You’re never wrong. So, it has to be me.”
These thoughts haunted me during most days. Reality hit me like a frost bite. Dreams seemed to be cold and aloof. Breathing just gets a little heavier. What is going on with me? What is this feeling?
This is not anger, nor it is guilt. This is isolation.
It’s the loneliness that speaks louder. I’m forced to look inward, only to fail to sit down with peace. Surrendered, but failed to sit around unaffected with these rants of coulda, shoulda, woulda being thrown on my face. Misunderstood, again and again. It’s not easy. I am not a one-person army. I am one with my pack, one work in progress.
As I sit down with this newfound experience, I keep reminding myself :
“You live in a world where there’s always somebody who don’t understand your worth. Don’t let it be YOU!”
“Waiting is hoping. Don’t give up your hope. Hand over your expectations but hold on to your hope in God. Rest assured, He is working even when you can’t see it yet.”
“But those who wait for Yahweh’s grace
will experience divine strength.
They will rise up on soaring wings and fly like eagles,
run their race without growing weary,
and walk through life without giving up.” — Isaiah 40:31 (TPT)
These past few days have unraveled me. Thank God, they did!
This season of waiting is colder than usual. Not the kind of raining-in-November way, but raining-on-your-parade kind of way. Cleansed and renewed, as I learn to understand His ways. Today, I choose to thank God for this heart (hard) reset. Some things have to be washed away to make room for better things. The best things; God-given things. Keeping this close to my heart, “God will not lead you, where His grace cannot keep you.”
