Nak kahwin… ikhlas ke tak?

I’ve always wondered why most of my Chinese friends would label red packets with their names at a wedding. My hasty research on internet forums revealed that it is so that the bride and groom can “give back” the same amount at their weddings. Some further digging on Chinese culture (by this, I mean to the motherland: People’s Republic of China) confirms that one should go “no lower than your share of the dinner party cost, and no lower than the red pack you received from the same friend at your wedding”.

I guess that’s practical… if you don’t know the bride and groom well enough.

I hope you don’t shoot me, but when I give a red (or green) packet, I want to be able to give what I think the couple deserves, and according to how well I know them.

I give because I am truly happy for their union. I give because I hope my little contribution can help them set up their rumahtangga (which is more important than the wedding, by the way).

Not because they held it at a 6-star hotel. Not because they spent a bomb on serving a different variety of dishes and desserts (sorry, my stomach has a limited capacity). And not because they gave me X dollars at my wedding, and I have to return the favour.

How much you spend on your wedding… itu korang punya pasal kan?

How can you expect guests to give a minimum sum just because you decided to have a grand wedding? How can you expect to recover any costs? Nobody put a gun to your head to have said wedding (maybe your parents, but that’s another story).

And how much you gave at my wedding… gosh, whoever keeps track of this is a psychopath.

It is a two-way street. Hold a wedding because you want to share the happiest day of your life with your closest relatives and friends. And attend a wedding for the same reason. Do everything with sincerity and good intentions. #ikhlas

I think for the Malay community, we can sometimes get overly-excited till we invite everyone we’ve ever crossed paths with. Even if it was just a brief encounter.

Some of my married friends would tell me they didn’t even know the people who had been taking photos with them on the pelamin at their wedding. Chances are, it was probably their mother’s cousin’s niece.

That is why I don’t tend to accept invites of people I’m not close to. I politely make up an excuse so that they can pass the invitation to someone more enthusiastic about weddings in general.

Weddings have become so transactional, I sometimes feel like it’s just a show. I understand it’s a way of telling people that the couple is halal. But I will never be able to justify spending over 10K for one day. I spent about 15K on my own wedding three years ago, and I still feel like I lost my money playing at the arcade. In other words, it felt frivolous.

My husband may very well agree with me when I say, it was not the happiest moment of my (or his) life. It was tiring trying to appease everyone who had gotten themselves involved (without any initiation from the bride or groom). It was a burden having to fork out such a large amount for a single day. I think the happiest moment(s) of my life was when I safely delivered my two daughters. It was also tiring as hell, but it was a far more rewarding experience.

So why should we pour away our life savings over a superficial event? And then think of ways to earn it back, from the very people who we are having it for?

I guess it all boils down to saving face, and showing off — which is a pretty prevalent thing in our community.

Whether it’s a $10 or $100 packet, or a $3000 or $30,000 wedding, to me, it’s our intentions that count in our actions.

As the famous wise words go: ‘Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts.’