The Singaporean-born Malay Girl’s Opinion.
After reading on this platform for quite some time, I found the courage to speak about my race in Singapore. These are some problems that some of my race are facing and the demand differs from one family to another. This article is only based on my opinions and how I feel towards it. (Aha)
Let’s start with the biggest gossip among the Malay community families: Getting Married. (OOOHHHH! Aha!)
For starters, it is ridiculously expensive to get married in Singapore as our multi-racial country comes with cultural differences and expectations. Let’s just keep it within the race, shall we?
The first step before Getting Married — The Merisik. (Direct English translate: Spying)
Before jumping the gun, the elders from the groom-to-be’s family would get acquainted with the bride-to-be’s family and herself. However, in this modern day, couples would forgo traditional ways and set the engagement date right off the bat.
To be more direct, there’s no such thing as the man would kneel to the woman and hearing her say, ‘I Do’. Well, maybe some of us had that experience but most of us probably did not.
The second step after The Merisik is Bertunang (Engagement)
So, the engagement. In our culture, the groom-to-be’s mother would put the ring on the bride-to-be’s right hand, ring finger. Some families, including mine, would do a simple engagement ‘celebration’:
Direct family members or relatives, even the closest friends, would attend this ‘celebration’. Everyone involved would gather around to discuss about the supposed wedding date, the estimated duration of the engagement period, the dowry money, so on and so forth.
Oh, the groom-to-be’s family would bring any form of gifts on beautifully decorated trays. It depends on the bride-to-be sides as to how many trays they would expect or what the couple have discuss.
Guests leaving with empty stomachs? Fret not as various delicacies would be laid across the table. It is seen as rude letting guests from both parties go home hungry (or is it just me?)
However, according to some families that I personally know, would hold a grandiose celebration. As grand as a real wedding event would be like! Having it at hotels, community centers, halal restaurants and etc. Gift trays carries costly extravagant items, makeup and hairdos are meticulously done by the Mak Andam (a person who does makeup & hairdo in the Malay bridal industry.) Not forgetting, hiring a professional photographer and videographer to capture the important moments. Also, the woman’s expensive engagement outfit? (gasps, it could go up to at least two outfits!) Unbelievable, isn’t it? The entire engagement event’s expense would or could add up to a nearly SGD $3,000 and above (wheeezes).
Duit Hantaran (Direct Translate: Dowry Money)
Prepare yourselves, as this is quite a sensitive issue among us, Malays.
What is the purpose of the dowry money? What can it be used for? Why does it cause havoc and gossips among the families? Even the stress? Hold on tight, here it comes:
The dowry money is given by the groom-to-be to the bride-to-be’s family. This amount is ranged from… Wait, according to this year’s market, the minimum amount for every single Malay woman is at least SGD $8,000. The maximum? SGD $20,000 (gasps!)
This depends on how high is the woman’s education and what kind of careers she holds. Behold, the best part is? This is cultural and has nothing to do with our religion.
It is indeed ridiculous. As it can or may be seen as families ‘selling-off’ their daughter for the stated price. It’s pretty harsh as there are ‘makciks’ (Direct Translate: aunties) who still does that and spared no mercy for the groom-to-be’s family.
Although, these dowry money are being discussed among families, gossips surfaced among my community. Here are some of it:
- As a woman, with low dowry money, it would appear to others that you are poorly educated, or harsh as it seems, you are considered a ‘damaged good’.
- No dowry money? Equals to the woman have been tainted or have kids from her past relationship or marriage. (To be more direct, the family that she’s marrying into would reject any form dowry money given by the woman family. Harsh but it’s happening.)
- High dowry money could be seen as a show-off and shown as it look like the woman virginity carries “pure gold”
- Dowry money is also seen as one of the capability of their partner if he is ready. (A first task to achieve as a Malay man. Meh.)
And why do Dowry Money still exists, if you were to ask?
- It is common to hear gossips or fake news among ourselves as a family member or relatives that are passing around.
Example with a Singaporean Slang: ‘The dowry money so little, I bet she’s pregnant la, use first then pay lor’ This is the infamous line used by our ‘makcik and pakcik’ (Auntie and Uncle to dictate what is up with couple.)
- Show it off in conversation with other people that their daughter have ‘caught a big fish’ that are capable or willing to pay the dowry sum stated than whoever they are comparing with.
Example with a Singaporean Slang: ‘You know, Mdm A’s future son-in-law is a doctor, I heard her dowry money is SGD$15,000! So much than yours sia!’
- If the daughter is raised by a single mother.
Example with a Singaporean Slang: ‘Of course la, you see the mother is a single mother, she have to sell her daughter at a higher market price, so she won’t lose face lor.’
- Putting the entire family into shame. And this is really common!
Example with a Singaporean Slang: ‘Your son is marrying such a cheap daughter-in-law ah? The family no face is it? How come the dowry money so low? Confirm the girl not good and the parents don’t know how to take care of her.’
- The woman is raised in a well-educated family and herself is highly-educated than her partner.
Example with a Singaporean Slang: ‘Why your son so stupid and go catch a smart girl? Confirm her dowry money expensive la! Tell your son to forget it la. Confirm give a lot of money later how if she don’t know how to cook or do housechores?’
- The woman is raised in an average-educated family and herself is equally educated as her partner but for some other unreasonably unsound, the woman’s mother would set a higher dowry money because the makcik have no chill.
Example with a Singaporean Slang: ‘You have to understand as a mother, I have raised my daughter and paid her education. So if you want to make her as your wife, you must give this amount la. What if people say my daughter is useless and get herself some guy that cannot pay? You also later malu (embarrassed)’
- And many of us including myself still went through this passage because culture. (Aha)
The Wedding Prep that cause some fall out and some in debts with nothing in between.
Apart from all the three points that I have covered, this fourth point would cause some sensitive issues to be pointed out and this is what I noticed. A simple Malay wedding expenses would add up to SGD 30,000 minimum (including Dowry money & exchanging of gift trays) and some have extremely blown me away with their total cost of SGD 50,000! (Crazy right!?)
Paying more out of their budget because culture meets trend and pleasing the elderly.
Most of us, The Millennial knows that less is more and more is just excruciating expensive because we don’t really want to spend most of our savings just for a one day or a two day event. And some of us including myself don’t really want a wedding reception to be held. (Aha!) Yes, I am aware that our wedding have a saying for “Raja dan Puteri Sehari.” (Direct Translate, King and Queen for a day.)
With no shame, I’ll admit that tagline got to go, it’s damn cliche.
I get it, those flowers that you want it by your wedding dais is stunningly prices at SGD 400 but at the end of the day, those flowers are considered wasted.
I get it, those pretty tight dresses to shock everyone with your amazing waistline cost at SGD 2,000 for rent.
But really, are you sure?
Some women really are world class asshole.
‘Look at what I can afford for my wedding, look at my wedding trays that are filled with materialistic items that I will not be using on a daily basis, look at my wedding dresses and my makeup — it’s done by the famous wedding dressmakers and Mak Andam. Look at my wedding cards, it’s fabulously done by a well-known wedding card designer. Look at where my wedding event being held! It’s at a famous hotel! (Shook) Look at my wedding band, it’s expensive! Look at my door gifts, I bet you didn’t expect it to be super expensive! Look at my photographer and videographer, they are f* famous!’
And you know what I think? Good for you and I do not care. Does this arrogance of yours confirm that your marriage in the next five years be financially stable? Do you feel the need to be better than anyone you know? What do you get for showing it off? (Jokes on you, my dear. You are too insecure for the world.)
Over-inviting People. (It’s in us and it’ll always be.)
In Singapore, Malay weddings are known to have a minimum of 100 pax and the maximum is…1,000 pax or more! This are either separated wedding celebrations (common) or a combined wedding celebrations (uncommon) in total of humans you are inviting.
Because you only know a handful of people however, your parents automatically invites these aunties or uncles from the neighborhood, relatives you don’t even know existed, their shares of friends and the list sadly goes on. I am not exaggerating but this is the truth. Your wedding reception are 70% filled with strangers . Some wedding even have family that crashes others reception and I AM NOT EVEN KIDDING! And also, we Malays care for other people feelings more than ourselves.
Example with a Singaporean Slang: If I don’t even invite this particular family or group of friends, they would never speak to me ever again. They will hold it against me. It is pathetic and childish. Hence why some of our elderly get themselves involved with the invitation lists and why it could rake up to a thousand invites
How will the Dowry Money be presented?
Preferably, it’ll be in cold hard-earned cash and beautifully framed for everyone to see how much the woman’s worth. Some are in form of cheque or a debit card which is a wrong move (Or so that I have heard). Why do I say it so? Because it is a well-known fact among the makciks that those are are empty and just for show.
Example with a Singaporean Slang: ‘Eh you know, inside that cheque no money la! The husband use one la. He confirm use it to pay the wedding la, what else!’
The unspoken burden of a Malay groom-to-be.
I am not saying that my race is full of lazy men. They are working extremely hard to save up just for a wedding. Some of us women are getting paid higher than our partner who earns just to get by every day. And it’s common for the woman who helped out. Apparently now, it’s normal for the men to hold more than one job, just because of a wedding and housing in future. But all of these are overlooked because like what I said, ‘it is seen as capability if you are ready.’
Also, being in a huge debt is famously known after the wedding. What will you do if you figure out that your husband deep in debts just because to please you and your family? And oh, it’s common to end the engagement because of the financial issues or getting a divorce because financially unstable.
The wedding event doesn’t dictate how your marriage life will be.
I am no scientist or a psychology degree holder but this is common sense, right? It really doesn’t matter who you invite to your wedding, doesn’t matter what you prepare for a wedding speech, which wedding gowns you rent or who are your wedding vendors. These are materialistic that is garnered through us since young. Be mindful that all of these are just for a day and it doesn’t dictate your marriage. Just because everyone is doing it, you don’t have to follow it through. Adulting together as a married couple will make you regret getting married in the first place IF, YOU HADN’T THOUGHT IT THOROUGHLY.
Please
Marry when you are financially ready. If you are dying to settle down, talk to your parents not to go overboard because not only it will harm your savings or your partner. It’ll be the talk of the town if they found out your little dirty secret of loaning money from banks, moneylenders or even worse, loan sharks.
And lastly, have a reception within your financial means. If you could afford a lavish expensive wedding reception, good for you but if you want to keep it simple and under budget, disregards what others say and do you because you and your partner are paying every cent for the reception, not them.
With Love,
E
