12 Steps to Coping with Conflict

Conflict is normal. It is an inevitable and unavoidable reality in this fallen world. There is simply no way on earth that any two people will ever see eye-to-eye about everything (and if you disagree with me about this, that would prove my point). We should not feel ashamed, guilty, or embarrassed for experiencing conflict; this just proves that we are still alive and kicking!

Conflict is nightmarish. It is scary and often mismanaged in painful, abusive, and/or destructive ways. In some respect, conflict is very much like fire. Fire is neither intrinsically good or bad; it is simply raw energy. However, the same fire that can warm us can also burn us when it’s out of control. Likewise, the raw energy of conflict can deeply heal us or severely harm us, depending on how it is managed and directed.

Conflict is also necessary. It is a divinely ordained means of producing growth and intimacy. It has been said that Jesus came to comfort the disturbed and disturb the comfortable. Everywhere Jesus went, He was either resolving or creating conflict. As the Prince of Peace, He once said He came not to bring peace, but a sword (Matthew 10:34–38). However, unresolved conflict interferes with God-ordained growth and transformation.

So how do we cope with conflict? Here are 12 Steps to Coping with Conflict.

1. If possible, prepare the setting and plan for constructive confrontation. Avoid distractions and interruptions, having non-private discussions, being overly tired and stressed, or being emotionally reactive (Proverbs 16:1–3).
2. Take responsibility and initiative to address the issue directly. Avoid running from the problem, using the ‘silent treatment’, waiting for the other person to make the first move, or allowing problems to accumulate (Matthew 5:23–24).
3. Attack the problem, not the person — and propose viable options or solutions. Avoid judging and criticizing the other person (and/or their personality, appearance, family of origin, etc.), name-calling, power messages or manipulative actions, or attempting to change or “fix” them (Proverbs 15:1–2).
4. Stay on subject and focus specifically and concretely on the facts, actions, feelings, and events. Avoid sweeping generalizations, using the “kitchen sink” attack, bringing up the past, making comparisons to others, or bringing in irrelevant issues (Proverbs 17:14).
5. Take responsibility for your part of the conflict, and be willing to humbly admit when you’re wrong. Avoid being proud, stubborn, and arrogant by immaturely blaming the other person for your feelings or actions; avoid denying your own humanness and blind spots (Philippians 2:3–5).
6. Learn and practice effective communication and active listening skills, including the use of self-disclosing “I” language. Avoid making accusatory “you” statements, using exaggerations and extreme language (e.g. “never”, “always”, “all”, “everyone”, etc.), or interrupting the other person (Ephesians 4:29).
7. State your needs, wants, hurts, disappointments, and feelings clearly. Avoid pouting, nagging, complaining, denial, putting words in the other person’s mouth, or assuming that the other person can (and does) read your mind (Mathew 12:34–37).
8. Be honest, respectful, honoring, and courteous. Avoid lying (to protect yourself or someone else), name-calling, sarcasm, or belittling and/or degrading the other person; avoid being abusive, intimidating, forceful, or violent (Proverbs 15:4).
9. Learn to respect, appreciate, and understand each other’s needs, feelings, interests, and differences. Avoid needing to think or feel the same way; avoid denying one another’s differences in tastes, upbringing, viewpoints, customs, and coping mechanisms (Romans 14:19–15:4).
10. Be willing to forgive (functionally defined as “giving up our right to hurt back”) an offense in order to cultivate the growth, healing, and well-being of the other person and the relationship. Avoid becoming resentful, bitter, punitive, alienated, or controlled by vengeful fantasies and actions (Ephesians 4:31–5:2).
11. Strive for a mutual understanding and a “win-win” outcome. Avoid trying to change the other person, endeavoring to get your way and/or get your point across in order to “win”, or maintaining a self-centered “me-my-mine” attitude (Romans 15:7).
12. Agree to disagree, arrange to discuss an unresolved issue later, and/or agree to get outside help from an unbiased, neutral, objective mediator/therapist/arbitrator. Avoid letting conflict go unresolved withdrawing, or pulling in biased family members or friends for your support; when arguments escalate too intensely, suggest calling a brief time-out to allow flaring tempters to subside (Proverbs 15:22).

Although never comfortable, conflict can be God’s way to help us hear each other more clearly, understand each other more deeply, and come to know each other more intimately.

This post is an excerpt from my book, Making Magnificent Marriages.

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