BOLDLY GOING THERE
Voyages aboard the Starship Free Enterprise • By Michael Gerber
For over fifty years, Star Trek has been a wildly popular — and quite reassuring — vision of humanity’s future, in part because Roddenberry’s show assumed that the liberal 1960s would set the tone for the centuries to come. After the last few years, however, it seems that the voyages of Kirk and the rest could be very different…
KIRK: (voice over) Captain’s Log, Stardate 6270 years after Genesis. I, James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Free Enterprise, have undertaken a for-profit expedition to find breathable oxygen for the gated planet Aynrand 7. We had hoped to run a typical strong-arm operation on the pathetic star-hippies of the Copernicus Commune. We’d offer to pay them generously, then once they agreed to the deal and lowered their defenses, we’d appear in orbit with photon torpedoes aimed at their capital city. Then we’d siphon off their entire atmosphere — for free.
KIRK: Aim those torpedoes at the corner of Alinsky Street and Chomsky Boulevard, Mr. Sulu.
SULU: Aye aye, Captain. Locking photon torpedos…now.
[SFX: Revving engines, a small explosion, the “red alert” siren.]
KIRK: Are we under attack? Scotty, what’s going on?
SCOTT: Captain, we’ve had another malfunction. For some reason, pushing the torpedo button engaged the warp drive.
KIRK: Spare me the science, Mr. Scott. Speak English, the official language of Starfleet.
SCOTT: The Free Enterprise is a piece of junk, Captain. She was built by the Emperor’s idiot son Prince Jared the Twenty-Third. I’m surprised she’s even air-tight.
[The RED ALERT siren expires, with a sickly wheeze.]
SCOTT: See what I mean? Bloody grifters.
KIRK: I’ll thank you to keep your socialism to yourself, Mr. Scott. Can you fix her?
SCOTT: Not without coal, Captain. Lots and lots of coal.
KIRK: Just keep us in orbit, Scotty. I’ll get your coal…somehow. Kirk out. Lieutenant Uhura, I need you to send a coded tweet out on all channels. “This is James T. Kirk on the USS Free Enterprise. Don’t believe fake news that I’m stuck out here on a starship built by slave labor, orbiting some shithole planet like a dog. Haters are in for a big surprise!” Capitalize words randomly, and misspell a few, to show that education is for losers.
UHURA: Aye-aye, Captain.
KIRK: Biblical Officer Spock — what can you tell me about this rock? Is it inhabited?
SPOCK: Affirmative, Captain. The lifeforms appear to be sentient, bipedal, and non-Christian.
KIRK: Excellent. Mr. Sulu, you’ve been through conversion therapy. You’ll come with us, to convert the natives.
SULU: Uh, that’s not the type of conversion I —
KIRK: (cutting SULU off) Mr. Spock, is the atmosphere breathable? Can we steal it for Aynrand 7?
SPOCK: Affirmative, Captain.
KIRK: And what does the Good Book say about that?
SPOCK: Proverbs 12:24 comes to mind: “The hand of the diligent will rule, while the slothful will be put to forced labor.”
KIRK: Good enough for me. Mr. Chekov, will you take the conn while the rest of us go down and introduce these savages to capitalism?
CHEKOV: I am Russian, Captain. You can trust me.
KIRK: Good. Spock, you’ll team with me. Sulu will go with — Uhura, would you like to come? I’ll offer you 80 cents on the dollar.
UHURA: I’d love to, Captain.
KIRK: Excellent. There could be some cooking and/or cleaning to be done. Mr. Sulu, you look uncomfortable.
SULU: Captain, I can’t be alone with a woman other than my wife.
KIRK: We wouldn’t want to infringe your religious freedom. Uhura, forget it. We’ll get McCoy.
SPOCK: I’m afraid he’s in sickbay, Captain. There’s been an outbreak of measles.
KIRK: Well, at least it’s not autism. Come on.
[TRANSITION MUSIC over shot of USS FREE ENTERPRISE, rounding a planet in orbit. If you look closely, you see STUFF FALLING OFF the ship.]
KIRK: (voice over) Captain’s log, Stardate 6270.2. For once the USS Free Enterprise’s transporters worked — with tragic results. Accepting my challenge that “coordinates were for elitists,” Mr. Scott used his gut, and transported Mr. Sulu into a slab of solid rock. But Spock, McCoy and I arrived safely on the planet, which is inhabited by one of the strangest lifeforms ever encountered.
We see KIRK, SPOCK and McCOY all crouched behind a very flimsy-looking boulder. They speak quietly, so as not to be heard by the aliens conversing ten feet away.
KIRK: Remarkable. One side of their faces is white, while the other is black. Literally “good people on both sides.”
SPOCK: Indeed, Captain. The identity politics alone are mesmerizing.
Dr. McCoy is covered with red spots, which he scratches as he talks.
McCOY: (irascibly) I guess blackface is OK on this planet. Whiteface, too.
Kirk and Spock say nothing. McCoy, determined to own someone, anyone, continues.
McCOY: I wonder if they’re good dancers on both sides of their bodies.
SPOCK: Ecclesiates 3:7, Doctor. “There is a time to keep silent, and a time to speak.”
McCOY: You’re just mad you’re not the only half-breed. Why, on this planet—
ALIEN: Stay right where you are!
Our heroes look up to see an ALIEN standing behind them, a phaser-type gun trained on their heads. In his other hand, he holds a roll of duct tape — clearly a bad hombre.
ALIEN: (cont.) Hands up!
KIRK: We are officers of the USS Free Enterprise. We come in peace, with a once-in-a-lifetime business opportunity.
ALIEN: Silence! You are all in “no-face,” which will all find extremely offensive. For that, you must die!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC STING, and we go to commercial.]
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MICHAEL GERBER is the Editor & Publisher of The American Bystander, the all-star print humor quarterly. You can subscribe to it here.
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Originally published at www.americanbystander.org.
