So You’re a Billionaire Who Wants to Be President?
A helpful quiz for America’s befuddled wealthitarians • By Rebecca Clifton & Lance Hansen
Well, you’re obviously qualified. Unfortunately, people who are sadly not billionaires will try to trick you by asking confusing questions like how much a box of Cheerios costs. This handy quiz features common questions non-billionaires face. Pick the most electable answers, and you, too, can become a leader of the common man!
1. How much is a Little Caesar’s Hot And Ready Pizza?
a. The price is irrelevant. It’s delicious!”
b. “Less than a billion dollars, so I can definitely afford it.”
c. “If my AI-enhanced assistant Googled correctly, six dollars.”
2. You’ve been invited to a wedding, but can’t afford a gift. What do you do?
a. “When I hit ten yogurts, maybe Yogurtland will give me cash instead.”
b. “Have one of my artist friends — like Damien Hirst — do an installation for them. Personalized gifts are always better anyway.”
c. “I’m not going to any weddings until my gay friends can legally marry. Oh, they can? In that case, I attend the wedding, then mail them their local newspaper with the words ‘You own this now’ scrawled across it.”
3. You’ve decided to take a “stay-cation.” How do you spend it?
a. Punching up my resume while driving for Uber and delivering for Caviar so I can afford daycare.
b. With Richard Branson and Mariah Carey, fishing off of Richard’s blimp.
c. Stay-cation? Oh, I see what you did there. That’s not really a thing, is it?
4. How often do you frequent Dollar Tree?
a. Two to four times a week, give or take.
b. Funny, that’s what I used to call my trust fund.
c. You mean my genetically engineered hibiscus, which blooms U.S. currency in $20 and $50 denominations, and is kept in a heavily fortified, subterranean greenhou — I mean, “whenever I am looking for top quality merchandise at a cheap price, naturally.”
5. What are the dimensions of a Little Caesar’s Hot And Ready Lunch Combo?
a. Four 3.5x7-inch slices. That’s half of a 14-inch Deep Dish square pie! (Comes with a 20 oz. Pepsi!!).
b. Funny story: the first time I tried pizza I was in Lake Como with Khloé Kardashian.
c. Wait — is it pizza? I’ve just analyzed it and found it is 47.5% “inorganic material.”
6. You are the hunter in a “Most Dangerous Game”-type scenario. What bait would you use to lure your common, yet cunning prey?
a. Affordable healthcare
b. Little Caesar’s? You seem to be pretty focused on that. It’s a tie-in, good thinking.
c. Hmmm, my money tree would be pretty irresistible…Oh dammit!
7. Do you even know what a “Cheerio” is?
a. It’s the name brand version of my favorite Dollar Tree cereal: “Circle-ohs.”
b. What Richard Branson says when you’re boarding his blimp.
c. Cheerios is an American brand of cereal manufactured by General Mills, consisting of pulverized oats in the shape of a solid torus. Of course I know what they are, because I am a human entity.
8. Little Caesar’s is out of Hot And Ready Pizza. What do you order?
a. Well, I only have $6 for food today. But it looks like most of the menu is pretty cheap — oh wait! Here they come with more Hot And Readys!
b. Artisanal thin crust gluten-free pizza with shaved white truffles. (What I ate with Khloé.)
c. Nothing. My new iGut prototype metabolizes all necessary vitamins and minerals from my own hair and fingernail clippings, creating a closed system viable indefinitely.
Answer key: ˙ʇuǝpᴉsǝɹԀ ǝɯoɔǝq ʇ,uop ǝsɐǝlԀ
REBECCA CLIFTON is a writer living in Philadelphia. She is a fan of all things Hot And Ready.
LANCE HANSEN is a The American Bystander printmag contributor whose work has appeared most recently on The Nation’s Op Art page. He is currently working on a number of long-gestating projects.
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Originally published at www.americanbystander.org.