The “I’m Not Racist, But…” Horoscope
Though your sun sign can determine your future or your fortune, it can also determine characteristics of your personality. As we all know, only a small percent of the population are truly contemptuous enough that we should call them “racists.” That’s not you though — you’re a normal person, better than those trying to “Unite the Right.” Well, you do have some bad habits to overcome. Not racism though. Definitely not. Except there are a few things…
Allow this simple guide to examine those things for you!
Capricorn, “the Goat”
December 23rd to January 20th
You’re not racist, but your practicality drives your fear of immigrants. You may not have voted for Trump (though let’s face it, you definitely didn’t vote for Clinton), but you have read articles on RT and heard rumors via Twitter or Reddit or even 4Chan that refugees to European countries have committed serial rapes, or how MS-13 channels drugs to the United States, or how “illegals” are being used to sway American elections. It’s not like you hate Muslims or Mexicans or Chinese, but frankly, have you seen the job market? Can you really afford to give them jobs? Or use American tax money to support their welfare? Or even risk another act of terrorism? Better safe than sorry and close the borders for good.
Aquarius, “the Water Bearer”
January 21st to February 19th
You’re not racist, but your affectionate nature demands that you give the “Alt-Right” the benefit of the doubt. Sure, the liberal media has labeled them as nazis, but isn’t it possible that they’re just misunderstood? After all, even whites were hurt by the economic crisis. Maybe they say some things that are inflammatory and controversial, but they’re just trying to protect their right to free speech. Everyone deserves a right to march peacefully and protest, even if they’re condemning other races and fomenting violence against them, right? Besides, it’s not like the other races don’t do it. You probably read a blog by a “person of color” (lol isn’t that racism in itself?) condemning the “system” that white’s built. It’s a system worth protecting though. It’s America.
Pisces, “the Fishes”
February 20th to March 20th
You’re not racist, but your selflessness drives a generosity toward other races that others might describe as fetishism. When acquaintances accuse you of saying something racist, you’re quick to answer, “I had a black partner, so I can’t be racist.” Or a Mexican partner. Or a Korean partner. Or a Pakistani partner. You’ve had so many partners or friends of a specific race, you try to keep a mental catalogue of them to tell them all apart. You may not remember all their names, but you definitely remember their countries of origin. Besides, is having a fetish really such a bad thing? It’s just a preference. You’ve planted your flag and continue to enjoy all their favorite dishes (assuming those dishes come from their homelands of origin).
Aries, “the Ram”
March 21st to April 20th
You’re not racist, but you’re courageous enough to say things that the social justice warriors won’t let you say. Why should only Black people get to say the N-word? Doesn’t the F-word just mean a bundle of sticks? Who needs a safe space? This is America, the safest space of all! If they can say things like “nazi” or “white trash,” than surely you can say whatever you want too. It’s a free country, after all. To you, everyone is equal. You don’t discriminate against one person — you discriminate equally among everyone. You won’t even censor your jokes. “Have you heard the one about a Jew, a Muslim, and a Christian walking through the desert? It’s okay, one of them’s a Christian.” Don’t be scared to speak from your heart, to live your truth.
Taurus, “the Bull”
April 21st to May 21st
You’re not racist, but… well, terrorism. You can’t believe that Islam is still a religion. Do those people really like to wear those beekeeper suits and pray a million times a day? You heard somewhere that the Quran tells Muslims that it’s okay to lie to non-Muslims, so it’s probably safer not to trust people who are only just pretending that they’re “non-violent.” Plus, didn’t they have something to do with Pizzagate or Sandy Hook? Just look at 9/11! They may not have found weapons of mass destruction, but those Iranians are most definitely creating nuclear weapons to start World War 3. It’s why this country is a mess in the first place, when we let their sleeper agent, Barack HUSSEIN Obama take charge. Just go back to your own country!
Gemini, “the Twins”
May 22nd to June 21st
You’re not racist, but your duality helped you to realize that the system really does need an overhaul. So maybe Trump isn’t such a bad thing? Yeah, he says some things that are really racist, but the system needs to change. You want to get those millionaire politicians out of office, so shaking up Capitol Hill and draining the swamp is worth it at the cost of other races being excluded from participating in your American dream. Besides, even though you’re sure that populace politicians will keep their promise about redefining the government, you also know that they’re not really going to ban immigration or make internment camps. They‘re just joking. Either way, it’s worth it to have some real change and give the power back to the American people. Your people.
Cancer, “the Crab”
June 22nd to July 22nd
You’re not racist, but your sentimental disposition has really attached you to the past. So when the confederate statues were being taken down, you really began to wonder what other articles of American history might be forgotten because people are too sensitive. Maybe it won’t be statues or existing documents, but people themselves. George Washington? Thomas Jefferson? Robert E. Lee? It’s unspeakable! You respect the past, so you’re not bothered by seeing confederate flags either. Even though these symbols are being removed from the public, you celebrate them in your own home. It’s part of your history. We came to this country as rebels against Europe, we’re still rebels in our hearts. The south is not lost — it will rise again.
Leo, “the Lion”
July 23rd to August 21st
You’re not racist, but your desire to love and be loved has earned you a bohemian perspective on culture. You don’t mind dreading your hair or wearing Indian headdresses to music festivals, because it’s all about sharing in peace and love and happiness. Your Halloween costumes are always the most creative too, like that one year where you wore a Japanese kimono and mimed Kung Fu poses at that club in Green Point or Wicker Park. It’s all about embracing the culture of humanity. Some people might feel like you’re “appropriating” their culture, but you’re just embracing it — it doesn’t matter what they think anyway. You’re not going to let anyone stop you from being who you want to be, or whatever culture you want to be.
Virgo, “the Virgin”
August 22nd to September 23rd
You’re not racist, but you prize the purity and modesty bestowed upon you by your family. That’s why you don’t date outside of your race. You know your parents and your grandparents wouldn’t approve, and besides, maybe people who don’t look like you are dangerous. They sure seem that way in movies and on television, at least. You don’t care that you’re wading in your own gene pool or that your lover might be a distant cousin, because someone who looks like you, like your father or mother, is the safest, best choice. Your spouse probably won’t cheat on you, verbally abuse you, gaslight you, or physically assault you, but even if they do, it’s okay — they mean well. They’re just like you, after all.
Libra, “the Scales”
September 24th to October 23rd
You’re not racist, but because your kindness has led to stress, you’re always prepared to call the authorities in case a situation should occur. You’re careful to protect other people on airplanes when a man with a turban takes a seat near you, listening carefully in case he mentions the word “bomb.” And when you see a Black family barbecuing in the park, you know that that’s against the rules and they’re taking up space that everyone should get to use, so you’ll look around for a nearby police officer. Whether you see someone of color selling lemonade without a business license or some brown kids simply playing in the street, you’re there to protect your neighborhood. You’re an immovable vigil for the safety of your country and your community.
Scorpio, “the Scorpion”
October 24th to November 22nd
You’re not racist, but your strong will has driven you to the front lines to protect your white, American heritage. It’s not that you have any problem with other races, but when there’s an opportunity to march alongside your white brethren, you wave whatever flag you choose to protect your American ideal. Others may scoff at you or even try to deny you the right to celebrate your American culture, but you will not be swayed. This is the land of your ancestors, though you’ve conveniently forgotten who they obtained it from. Anyway, you’re not a nazi like they say you are. You’re not a white supremacist. That’s just left-wing propaganda poisoning others against you for trying to protect your right to your heritage.
Sagittarius, “the Archer”
November 23rd to December 22nd
You’re not racist, but your curiosity has driven you to investigate real, factual truths. You’ve got a statistic for everything. You know, for a fact, that more White people have been shot by the police than Black people. You also know that White people are more likely to graduate from high school than Black people. Some of your greatest findings come from Charles Murray, who definitively proved to you that some races have a higher IQ than others, though you also lean heavily on the philosophies of Jordan Peterson, Sam Harris, and Ben Shapiro. It’s not racism — it’s just the statistics. And even if those statistics are recorded with a bias toward white supremacy, they’re still the facts.
My Upshot?
In case you aren’t racist, Sorry to Bother You and Blindspotting are two films that show two very different sides about being Black in Oakland. While one is meant to address the exceptionalism of white conformity, the other tackles whiteness in a very different way by examining one white man that grew up in an African-American community and the paranoia that his Black best friend has to endure.
Sorry to Bother You, by far the funnier and stranger of the two, is the story of Cash Green (Lakeith Stanfield), a man who can only succeed at his telemarketing job by adopting a white voice. “It’s what they wish they sounded like, what they’re supposed to sound like,” explains Cash’s co-worker, Langston (Danny Glover). But as Cash moves up in a company that’s designing luxury housing (but also analogous to prisons) for working class whites, Cash is forced to choose between his friends or the riches that wait at the top. Boots Riley, a former activist, uses the economic divide to explore socialist themes and it all comes to a thrilling climax when Cash discovers just what kind of conspiracy his capitalistic overlords happen to be running.
Blindspotting, a drama with elements of comedy and hip-hop opera, is the story of Collin (Daveed Diggs) on his last week a parole for which he only has his white but urbanized best friend, Miles (Rafael Casal), to blame. The two have a long-standing feud with the hipster gentrification of Oakland, but when Collin witnesses the murder of an unarmed Black civilian by a police officer, he recedes into an escalating paranoia that pushes him toward violent reactivity. Meanwhile, Miles is forced to accept his whiteness in a quickly diminishing Black community, trapped between two worlds — the one he knows and loves and the one that’s all too ready to embrace him.
Check them out. Better yet, watch them side-by-side.
