Uncle Yeezy

Trading in that New Era for that old era.

First there was O.J. Simpson. Then came Tiger Woods. Now, White America has been embraced by the indomitable Kanye West. It seemed like only yesterday he lulled our White fear into a state of safety by combining something so threatening as hip-hop with soothing beats of Coldplay and Fall Out Boy. He managed to uphold rap music’s signature misogyny while inserting a healthy dose of Christian overtones. And for a long time, we thought he had been lost to fame and fortune — but Chicago’s prodigal son has returned to his midwestern sensibilities.

We laughed with him at his art school roots, which would later go on to define his College Dropout radio rap. Or when he designed a $400 shoe that looks designed to tip over. Or even when he married a reality TV star who made her fame via sex tape. But even though the Kardashians are Armenian, a country not-too-distant from a threatening Iran (whose national language is Farsi, which Kanye appropriated in recent tweets), their White logic has stolen Kanye from the George-Bush-hating, Taylor-Swift-mocking White nightmare into the bosom of Donald J. Trump, US President and reality TV jester. He even recanted on his comments about George W. Bush. When the streets of Chicago roil with anti-police sentiment and #MeToo feminazism, Kanye West can be depended on to Make America Great. Again.

Finally, an end to racism.

It’s only been a few months since Kanye publicly announced that slavery is a choice, but he met with President Trump this week to address far more controversial topics. First-and-foremost, Kanye suggested alternatives to “stop-and-frisk” policies — one which Trump endorsed to Chicago police recently, in spite of the uproar around police violence in the city. Kanye also discussed prison reform, suggesting that Larry Hoover, founder of Chicago’s Gangster Disciples, is actually Kanye in an alternate reality and therefore should be released.

“It’s very important for me to get Hoover out because in an alternate universe I am him and I have to go and get him free…”

But in spite of addressing topics that might be easily confused with a liberal agenda, Kanye doubled-down on his love for President Trump. He praised his MAGA hat, saying, "There was something about putting this hat on that made me feel like Superman.” He later went on to say, “Trump is on his hero’s journey right now.” In spite of everything, Kanye West has stood true for White America despite his complexion.

What wisdoms have we overlooked?

Often, the “Uncle Toms” as determined by people of color are overlooked for siding with Whites over their own people. But aren’t Whites people too? Don’t all lives matter? These parodies are not much longer for this world. No, instead we must support Kanye West. If we as a White, Christian people are meant to stand up against liberal propaganda, we must endorse Kanye West and those like him that have sided with us against their miseducated peers. As White America is dismantled by interracial marriage and Marxist philosophies, we have to stand united to make America great. Again.

The Upshot?

Halloween is soon! Though it’s tempting to appropriate someone else’s culture for your costume, now is as good a time as any to show your White pride by dressing up like… a White person! Check out this fabulous White person costume starter pack!

And you can wear it untucked!

This great button-down by from Untucked doesn’t need to be tucked in! Plus, it rolls at the sleeves up to just beneath your elbow. Who doesn’t love that look? $58.

Perfect for boots and other footwear!

517 Boot Cut Jeans by Levis really accentuate the ideal White men’s clothing fit! They’re perfect for boots, shoes, and even sandals! $36.99.

Great for going about town!

Crocs complete every White outfit. Throw on a pair and enjoy the versatile comfort that can only come with shoe wear that’s both shoe and sandal simultaneously! $49.99.

America made great again.

Remember that if you’re going Trick-or-Treating to leave your White guilt at home. Foolishly drink yourself stupid and dogwhistle at any funny looking strangers from ethnically ambiguous descent that pass by. This is YOUR America! Make it great. Again.