American Perp Walk | In Satire We Trust
Congress Approves First Lady’s Line of Succession
WASHINGTON (S. J. Newman) Congress voted yesterday to approve the White House’s proposed line of succession to First Lady Melania Trump “if for any reason she is unable to fulfill her duties, or goes over 105 pounds.”
White House Chief of Staff, John F. Kelly, was tasked with creating the line of succession based on public comments Mr. Trump has made over the years about desirable traits he finds in notable women.
“As you know, you go to the White House with the wife you have — not the wife you might want or wish to have at a later time,” said Mr. Kelly.
“Admittedly, some women on the list — in Mr. Trump’s mind — are frozen in time, starting in the ‘60’s and ending in the mid-90's,” said Mr. Kelly.
“Mind you, we don’t take the list literally,” said Mr. Kelly. “One nominee is a beloved fictional character, some of the women may be married or have osteoporosis, and one, I think, may even be a relative.”
FIRST LADY’S LINE OF SUCCESSION:
In the event Melania Trump is unable to fulfill her duties as First Lady, the following is a list of runners-up:
- Bo Derek, Actress
Mr. Trump said on The View:
“Bo’s the original 10. With the cornrows, she’s like the total opposite of Whoopi, who is a negative 10.” - Arianne Zucker, Actress*
Mr. Trump on a hot mic on a bus with Billy Bush:
“I moved on her and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and f — k her. She was married.” - S. E. Cupp, Conservative Author/Commentator
Mr. Trump to Bill O’Reilly:
“I like a woman who writes her own stuff — not a plagiarist like Melania. Cupp looks like the librarian who’s really hot when she takes off her glasses and lets down her C cups.” - Marlee Matlin, Actress*
Mr. Trump, apropos of nothing, to German Chancellor Andrea Merkel:
“Okay, on Celebrity Apprentice, I may have once or twice called Marlee retarded. But now that I know she’s deaf, she’s kinda sexy in a seen but not heard way. She could read lips in the West Wing and find out who’s leaking what.” - Ainsley Earhardt, Fox News Reporter
Mr. Trump to Earhardt after she complimented his fake tape threat to ex-FBI director James Comey:
“If Melania doesn’t obstruct the idea, I’d like the three of us to collude in the Lincoln room.” - Russian Gymnast
Mr. Trump to Russian Ambassador Kyslyak during Oval Office visit:
“I like gold, give me a gymnast with gold medals — silver is for losers. Must be very flexible and I don’t mean ideologically. Street legal, no doping, no mustache. And with her, do I get automatic dual citizenship?” - Mary Poppins, Nanny
Mr. Trump to preschoolers at Aidan Montessori School while reading Mary Poppins book:
“Her wardrobe is a disaster, the face is only a 5, but imagine the possibilities with the flying and the magic. British accent is a turn-on. Not to mention she [Julie Andrews] has an Oscar, which is a terrific statue made out of gold, heavy as hell. By the way, she would be the best at handling tantrums. Barron’s too.” - Meg Ryan, Actress
Mr. Trump to Melania while dancing at A Salute to Our Armed Services Inaugural Ball (according to political lipreading commentator for MSNBC, Marlee Matlin):
“Meg Ryan was fantastic in Sleepless in Seattle. Melania, you have a lot in common with Meg— you‘re both great at faking orgasms.” - Katharine Ross, Actress, in The Stepford Wives
Mr. Trump to Robert Osborne, then host of Turner Classic Movies:
“At the end of the movie when Katharine is turned into a busty robot — I would do her, as long as her plumbing is up to code.” - “Find out if Ivanka has a half-sister.”
Mr. Trump to then FBI Director, James Comey, during dinner meeting:
“Ask Sessions how to make it legal.”
*Trump said exactly this to Billy Bush, and he actually called Marlee Matlin “retarded” behind her back while taping Celebrity Apprentice.
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S. J. Newman is a freelance Creative Director.
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