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Trump Wins Punching Down Title
“When you’re at the tippy top, the only way to punch is down”
WASHINGTON (S. J. Newman) — After a long career of punching below
the belt, Donald Trump has finally won by unanimous decision the
World Heavyweight Punching Down Title, deposing former reigning
champ and dictator, Robert “Iron Fist” Mugabe of Zimbabwe.
At a ceremony in the Rose Garden yesterday, Mr. Trump was presented with the towering Punching Down Trophy: a gold-plated fist punching down a cowering stick figure. In a short heartfelt speech, the president humbly acknowledged everyone he punched down on his way to the top.
“This is huge! I’d like to thank all the little people who really know how to take a punch: illegals, the physical handicaps, small-time contractors, your sick and poor, and the uneducated — I love you guys,” said Mr. Trump.
“Also I’d like to thank my ex-wives, certain other women and B-list celebrities — you know who you are — and last but not least, all the people who vote against their own interests.”
After he thanked unnamed “comrades,” Mr. Trump pointed his trophy down toward the netherworld, saying, “This one’s for you Roy,” presumably meaning Roy Cohn, Mr. Trump’s deceased mentor, and chief counsel to communist witch hunter, Eugene McCarthy.
“To all those who said my hands were too small to clinch the heavyweight title — what do you think of these hammers now?” shouted Mr. Trump, raising in triumph his tangerine-sized fists.
Though he had defeated all competitors in his weight class, Mr. Trump
for years was still denied a shot at the Punching Down title. To be allowed that title shot, insiders claim Mr. Trump was once coerced into taking a dive by the Russian mob — a claim that is currently being investigated by the FBI.
Mr. Trump said, “Everything worthwhile in life has a price, a price losers are not willing to pay. I’ll always be a winner because I gladly pay that price and then pass it down to subcontractors by stiffing them.”
After the ceremony, while posing for press photographers, Mr. Trump playfully leaned in to kiss his prized trophy, but Melania pulled away.
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S. J. Newman is a freelance Creative Director and a certified writer at Comedywire where he heckles the news. See the usual suspects walk the red carpet of shame at American Perp Walk.
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