President Trump’s Race to Bottom Steals Viewership from NASCAR
Trump’s reckless driving upstages NASCAR as it skids to lowest ratings in 8 years
DAYTONA BEACH (S. J. Newman) — NASCAR is struggling for ratings as its once loyal fans turn away to watch an even bigger spectacle: Donald Trump losing control of his nitro-injected Funny Car as it scrapes along the jersey barriers spewing a dazzling rooster tail of sparks.
It’s nearly impossible to look away as the Formula Dumb juggernaut drives on the wrong side of history, sideswiping under-powered vehicles of Truth & Justice, and leaving behind smoking skid marks on the Constitution — all while drafting an easy passing lane for our enemies.
Elroy Scruggs, owner of The Pit Stop Pub & Gun Shop, offered his theory on the fall of NASCAR and rise of Trump: “Why fry your neck in the hot sun watching stock cars race round in circles when you can cheer from the comfort of any honky-tonk bar stool as Trump tears ass around the globe on FOX News?”
Indeed, corporate and state sponsors are clamoring to slap their logos all over the sagging bodywork of our motormouth-in-chief who’s now grabbing red state eyeballs away from NASCAR.
Goldman Sachs, Exxon Mobil, NRA, Koch Industries, Fox News, and Russia — not to mention brand TRUMP and its nepotism-fueled spinoffs — stand to make billions for mere pennies on the dollar by betting on a race against democracy.
The White House pit crew is on their knees 24/7 lubing Donald Trump’s ball joints and re-tightening loose screws to keep his balding tires from falling off the axles just long enough for Team Trump to siphon off the nation’s strategic reserves of greatness.
Perhaps it’s only fitting that NASCAR — which traces its roots to a time when moonshiners drove souped-up cars to evade federal agents — should lose its fans’ allegiance to an outlaw hero who panders moonshine to the masses while dodging pesky federal investigators.