In Satire We Trust
Secret Intel Smuggled Out of Oval Office Inside Russian Ambassador’s Cheek Pouches
An FBI investigation into alleged White House espionage leads to President Trump’s nuts and Sergey Kislyak’s jowls
WASHINGTON (S. J. Newman) — In a scene reminiscent of Alger Hiss passing Cold War secrets to Soviets on microfilm hidden inside a hollowed-out pumpkin, Russian Envoy Sergey Kislyak allegedly sneaked classified information out of the Oval Office by stuffing his over-sized cheek pouches with pistachios containing microchips, according to the FBI.
During a May 10th meeting between President Trump, Russia’s Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov and Ambassador Kislyak, a White House aide became suspicious when he observed Kislyak “scooping fistfuls of pistachios from a crystal bowl on the president’s desk and stuffing his face, shells and all.”
The aide said Kislyak’s odd behavior reminded him of his pet hamster stuffing his cheeks full of pilfered sunflower seeds.
“I alerted White House security, warning them that a micro SD card could easily be hidden inside something as tiny as a nutshell,” said the aide, “but apparently they didn’t take me seriously, or they were instructed from higher-ups to stand down.”
The White House admitted that the level of screening granted for the Russians may not have been sufficient enough to detect outgoing espionage devices, especially ones hidden inside a body cavity.
“Adhering to state protocol, outgoing diplomatic pouches are rarely searched, and cheek pouches, never,” said a White House official. “Even if an intimate search were allowed, all available rubber gloves had been used up on a previous visit to the president while screening Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, and Sarah Palin.”
Trump’s controversial Oval Office meeting with the Russians came a day after the president fired FBI Director James Comey, who was leading the agency’s investigation into Russian meddling in the U.S. election.
Commiserating with his Russian guests, Mr. Trump had called Mr. Comey a “nut job,” a term FBI investigators consider a suspicious non sequitur given their faith in their former boss’s even temperament.
FBI investigator, Ron Tabor, suspects “nut job” is a code word used by Mr. Trump to signal Kislyak to gobble up all the intel laden pistachios.
Mr. Tabor said, “I shudder to think what Kislyak would have ‘gobbled’ if the president had called Mr. Comey a dick.”
This illicit exchange, Mr. Tabor suspects, could be the back-channel communication proposed by Jared Kushner to Kislyak at their Trump Tower meeting last December.
“Russia has a history of sneaking surveillance devices into U.S. facilities,” said Mr. Tabor. “But smuggling intel out of the White House with the aid of an insider is unprecedented.”
“Kislyak is right out of central casting as the jowly, gluttonous Russian diplomat and he’s cultivated that image as a cover for his literal scarfing up of juicy state secrets.”
“One thing we’ve learned from painful experience,” said Mr. Tabor, “If you want any shrimp, never get behind Kislyak in a buffet line.”
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S.J. Newman is a freelance Creative Director. Please like, comment, share. See the usual suspects walk the red carpet of shame at American Perp Walk
