In Satire We Trust
United Airlines Forces Passengers to Watch 16-Hour Nicolas Cage Movie Marathon
SOUTH AFRICA (S. J. Newman) — On a 16-hour United Airlines flight to Johannesburg from JFK, flight attendants coerced economy class passengers into watching eight and a half consecutive inflight movies starring Nicolas Cage in an attempt to “quiet them down” according to one passenger.
The mandatory movie marathon was reportedly enforced after a first class passenger asked a flight attendant to make “those people in the back dial down their annoying chit chat.”
The coach cabin was immediately put into lockdown, lights were turned off and disabled, and economy class passengers were ordered by the captain to “keep your window shades and mouths shut.”
Complimentary snacks and water were withheld from those who refused to buy eight-dollar headphones after learning they would be watching nine back-to-back Nicolas Cage movies, six of them recently released in February.
Several of the Cage movies shown, such as Con Air, Knowing, and Left Behind, are normally banned as inflight entertainment because they depict planes in distress or in fiery crashes.
These movie scenes not surprisingly exacerbated the high anxiety of the captive audience.
After watching half of The Wicker Man, a 55-year old missionary who was headed for Zimbabwe said he intentionally overdosed on Dramamine for fourteen hours to put himself “out of his misery.”
Discovered in the restroom while reading SkyMall magazine for seven hours, a 33-year old dentist was forcibly dragged back to his seat by two male flight attendants who zip-tied his wrists to his armrests.
“Normally, you couldn’t drag me to see a Nicolas Cage movie,” he said, “But once dragged, and despite getting horrible rug burns, I actually enjoyed watching Con Air.”
The action film stars Cage as a good guy felon caught up in a mutiny of dangerous criminals aboard a prison transport plane.
“Naturally I was rooting for the badass prisoners and I was inspired to start a revolt of my own, but my fellow passengers seemed too traumatized to be of much help — besides, both my wrists were tied to the armrests.”
A 23-year South African citizen, most likely suffering from Stockholm Syndrome according to experts, refused to leave the plane upon landing at O.R. Tambo International airport outside of Johannesburg.
The passenger told airline personnel it was only fair that he be allowed to watch the last half hour of the ninth Cage film, The Weatherman, a dark comedy with a somewhat favorable Rotten Tomatoes score of 58%.
United Airlines security personnel promptly tasered the passenger and carried him off the plane.
United Airlines CEO, Oscar Munoz, made a heartfelt public apology to the first class passengers aboard the contentious flight “who were made uncomfortable by all the abject moaning emanating from economy class.” He said, “I’d make the whole damn plane first class if I could, but some people want to fly practically for free, so I can’t.”
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S.J. Newman is a freelance Creative Director. Please like, comment, share. American Perp Walk™ is under construction, please wear a hard hat and watch your step.
