PTSD Nearly Cost Me My Life
by Bennett J. Tanton
My struggle with PTSD began in 1996 upon exiting the United States Marine Corps. Looking back, I had never really heard of PTSD and in my own mind I was completely fine. I was a recon Marine; we didn’t have those problems.
From August of 1996 until April of 1998 I had been through six jobs. I was drinking myself to sleep, riddled with anxiety, and angry with everyone and everything. There was something obviously wrong, but I had no idea where to go, and had never heard of the US Department of Veterans Affairs. With hope, I retreated back to what I knew — the military. I missed the brotherhood, the ability to live on autopilot, and to be taken care of the military. Because of this, I found myself in the Army as an infantryman, who lived a normal existence, and things started getting better.
I battled a weight problem for six years, and there was this underlying guilt and anger; anxiety, nightmares and depression that I battled silently. These issues were not as pronounced as they were when I was released, but they were still there. After much deliberation, I finally went and talked to someone in late 2000. This resulted in being put on medication starting therapy to help with my symptoms. When my command found out, they sidelined me. Because of this, I stopped therapy and medication so I could continue to be a part of my unit as the work was what kept me going.
In 2003, I decided to leave the military for the second time and got good job, trying to live normally. Ten years passed, and I spent the entire decade internalizing my issues and pushing things inside. I ignored the warning signs, and one day, I shut down. The bucket that was my psyche and body was overflowing and I could not fit anything else in; it all came rushing out. Truly, the only thing that saved me was my family. My wife and four kids stood by me, and still do to this day.
I was suicidal now that I look back. I had no plans to kill myself, but I know now that if one more thing had happened, I would have truly considered it. I just wanted the pain to stop; I could not control my emotions and went from high to low at the drop of the hat. I had always had a quick temper but now I was truly yelling at my kids for really stupid stuff. My relationship with my wife was suffering, and even though things are better, our marriage still suffers from past issues sometimes.
It is a constant battle every day, and it moves through phases of “ups” and “downs.” My symptoms will shift from depression to anxiety day-to-day, hour-to-hour. To help, I meditate; I focus on the present, and try to release the energy causing my issues. I live constantly analyzing how I am feeling, trying to mitigate the sensations, the feelings and the energy that is presenting itself from moment to moment. I have learned to cope with this but it is hard, it wears me down and life doesn’t slow down so I can take a breath.
I work very hard to be a good father, husband, employee, boss, son, student and peer, but I feel I fail a lot. I am hard on myself, which exacerbates some of these issues. I am considered one of the guys that are thriving in recovery, and on the outside I can see how it may seem that way. I work hard for that presentation, and there are many that are worse than I am, but I suffer constantly, everyday. The only solace I find is the brotherhood of other veterans; these are the guys and gals that keep me going. Being part of a community that doesn’t judge me, and seeing that there are people there for me to lean on, and help with problems when they arise is a blessing.
We, as veterans, need each other. Petty things regarding branch, rank, MOS, etc. need to be put aside. I encourage all of you to seek out like-minded individuals and reach out to more so we can help each other through.
Bennett Tanton is a Marine Corps and Army veteran. Currently working as a Peer Support Specialist with the VA, he is the President and Co-Founder of the non-profit Warrior Hall and Co-Host of the veteran podcast Cigars & Sea-Stories.
