Why is it difficult to refuse when we are kindly asked for something? What is stopping us? What are we afraid of? How finally dare to say no?
One of your colleagues comes to see you, completely overwhelmed by stress, almost panicked, because he cannot complete a critical project whose deadline is very close … Or because of a task, undoubtedly usual and regular, but unimportant and consuming an enormous amount of time, which, for lack of organization certainly, he cannot or does not want to manage himself and thinks to delegate …
Strangely, this workmate systematically asks YOU when he needs a service…
Say yes when you think no …
Touched by his condition and compassionate, you cannot refuse. However, deep down, you know that this will create stress and anxiety for you, who already have so much to do with your team!
As soon as your positive response is given, you are already biting your fingers. You rail against yourself, against your colleague and finally end your day by sloppy almost what you have left to do and to continue to grumble, even if it means that all these tensions are reflected on your employees … Finally, it’s you — see your team — who suffer martyrdom instead of your colleague! You live it very severely, and it annoys you prodigiously … Why did you accept when you did not want it?
Why dare we not refuse? How finally dare to say no and assert yourself?
Knowing how to say no: Difficult, but necessary!
Some people are paralyzed with the very idea of answering a simple “no”. The colleague who arrives with his request — and incidentally his big hooves — causes them to mount terrible pressure and anguish. Sometimes irrational and often unconscious, the excuses for not having to say “no” can ruin our lives and lead us to negative self-worth.
However, daring to assert oneself by saying no is a pledge of respect vis-à-vis oneself, but also towards one’s collaborators. As a manager, to say no is to demonstrate self-confidence and to assert your position as a leader.
Why do we hesitate to make a refusal?
The reasons for this difficulty in refusing are multiple and depend on our education, our experience, our environment … Among these fears, we can notably cite:
- Fear of authority: linked to the fear of having to justify or apologize like a small child — instructions from childhood that resurface (dominant parents, protectors, very / too strict rules …).
- Fear of disappointing, not being loved: linked to beliefs and injunctions instilled more or less consciously during our childhood (you have to please to be accepted, it is rude to refuse, e.g.).
- The anxiety of the conflict, of reprisals: for many people, confrontation necessarily rhymes with anger, violence, rupture … harmful elements that will make them prefer to flee rather than attempt a constructive discussion.
- Fear of hurting or hurting: altruism taken to the extreme through which we place the needs of others before ours.
- Need to have peace: not to make waves for fleeting tranquility, because a sudden acceptance — submission, feeling of being manipulated — is rarely a guarantee of inner peace.
- Lack of self-confidence: fear of ridicule, judgment by others, fear of impersonating a fool, not being up to par …
Why is it essential to know how to say no?
Accepting reluctantly because you do not know how to refuse will inevitably be perceived by the person opposite. It will leave it with a harsh taste. There is also a good chance that this will have an impact on the stress and the work of those who did not know how to say no. Finally, the latter will harbor a certain bitterness towards his colleague.
As in the education of children, it is essential to know how to set limits to be better respected … and to respect yourself! For a manager, daring to say “no” is a guarantee of credibility, competence, and authenticity.
Thus, to properly formulate a refusal is, among other things:
- Respect yourself and others — this avoids any manipulation, on either side: things are bright, everyone is in their place.
- Gaining confidence — by trying to please everyone and not disappoint anyone, our self-esteem is put to the test. Formulating a refusal is a way of asserting your existence and personality, your values, assuming your decisions, e.g.
- Being in line with your values — being in harmony with yourself is the guarantee of healthy and lasting relationships with others.
- Establish your authority (and not your authoritarianism) — to say no is to dare to take your full place, but also to give your employees the right to dare — they too — to say no and take their place.
- Use common sense — saying no is far from being self-centered or selfish, but rather proof of authenticity and intelligence (saying “yes” when you think and feel deeply “no “would be total nonsense!).
- Be assertive — by being fair to yourself and your collaborators, saying no with conviction and without aggressiveness will allow fluid and positive communication.
FINALLY, REFUSING IS A WAY OF ASSERTING YOURSELF TO GAIN RESPECT FROM OTHERS AND YOURSELF …
How to say no?
Come to think of it, a sincere “no” and diplomatically exposed will be much better received than a hypocritical “yes”, all in all, forced. Knowing how to refuse is essential for a manager. It is a mark of transparency, authenticity, benevolence, charisma, e.g. Saying “no” is, in a way, a skill that must be mastered!
Some ways to tactfully refuse
Knowing how to say no is not a snap of the fingers. Some exercises are, therefore, essential:
- Practice saying no — gradually refuse solicitations whose importance is not significant. Little by little, caught up in the game, you will challenge yourself to increase the difficulty to finally be able to refuse any supplication that could harm you or your work. You can also practice when you are alone and think about a specific situation — where you would like to assert yourself by saying “no” out loud.
- Allow yourself to think — Responding calmly to a negative request requires a minimum of reflection when you are not used to it. The first tip is then to ask for a period of reflection — more or less long, depending on the request. No hurry! The contact person opposite has a few minutes! These few moments will be used to take a step back and ask to take stock of the situation. Before defining your answer, you can:
- Weigh the pros and cons — What are the consequences that each of the answers — positive and negative — will have for you? What will a “yes” bring? Ditto for a “no”? It is appropriate to note this on two columns. It will thus be more comfortable to see which side tilts the balance!
- Rationalize — It’s not the end of the world! When a colleague refuses, a colleague may be annoyed instantly, but that doesn’t mean that they will value you less.
- Not guilty — Your interlocutor will undoubtedly be frustrated. However, you are not responsible for the situation in which he put himself! You can be sure: it is not your fault that he is in this state of stress!
- Be diplomatic — The goal is not to offend your interlocutor but to make him understand that despite your goodwill, you cannot accede to his request. Keep a calm tone and show empathy and consideration for your unhappy colleague.
- Argue your refusal — Be careful, however, not to do too much … An argued refusal will always be better received than a laconic “no” — sometimes aggressive. No need to confuse you with apologies. The more you drown in the arguments, the more suspicious and hypocritical your answer will appear. It can be a response to the style “unfortunately, I cannot help you; I am overwhelmed myself”.
- Use humor and positive words — It is easier to accept a refusal by playing on a touch of humor. Furthermore, refusing by positively encouraging your interlocutor will erase the negative feeling of refusal.
- Be sincere — Be frank with your interlocutor — always with respect — and avoid excessive justification. It would generate mistrust. It’s not what you want.
- Be polite, calm, and kind — politeness and good citizenship are essential when refusing. They are marks of respect and listening to your interlocutor.
ONCE YOU CAN REFUSE, WHEN YOU SAY “YES” NOW, YOUR COLLEAGUES AND COLLABORATORS WILL BE ALL THE MORE GRATEFUL FOR KNOWING THE REAL VALUE OF THIS LITTLE “WORD”!
