“I do not support violence, BUT…”
“I don't support violence, BUT…” I have seen this statement used repeatedly in public discussions about gender-based violence (GBV), especially on social media, and I can honestly say I am not a fan. I came across it again recently regarding a story I had been following keenly.
Earlier this year, a Nigerian woman was murdered by her abusive husband and social media users blasted platforms with “thoughts and opinions” about the situation. As I scrolled through comments on a post about the incident, I came across this comment: “I absolutely do not condone violence and I do not encourage violence of ANY form, BUT, as wives, sometimes our behavior towards our husbands leads them to anger and to beating us.”
Below that comment was another commenter who followed this declaration of not condoning violence with “…BUT, men are not good at exchanging words and they respond physically.”
My heart dropped. The number of likes on these comments was perplexing. How can someone think that a “beating” from a spouse under any circumstance is warranted? The lack of empathy was disheartening. It is this kind of reasoning and thinking that normalizes abuse––forcing many women to remain in abusive relationships. They think to themselves “I just have to be a good wife and he won’t get upset.” The truth of the matter is that there is absolutely no excuse for abuse.
As long as society continues to follow “I don’t condone violence” with “BUT” the cycle of abuse will continue. Language matters and this kind of language justifies––and even encourages––the actions of the abuser and blames the victim for their pain. An abuser is an abuser and there is no amount of “good behavior” from a spouse that will stop them from being violent.
It was disappointing to see that the comments quoted in this article were made by women (and liked by other women) when we know that 82% of victims of domestic violence are women. What we are trying to achieve is an equal world––a better world. If we are to achieve this, as a society, we need to STOP making excuses of any form for perpetrators of violence. Violence against women must be called out, must be stopped, and must be eliminated––no buts. If you are someone who does not condone violence, be someone who does not condone violence full stop. Victims must feel supported, not blamed, and they must know that society has their back and is doing all it can to eliminate acts of violence and abuse from the root.
With all being said, I was encouraged by the number of us who were speaking against such reasoning by sparking this much-needed conversation with those with opposing views. We must always speak out. There are lives at stake and silence is compliance.
In Malawi, we have the Victim Support Unit within law enforcement specifically designed to respond to cases of GBV. If you are a victim or a witness of violence, report the case to your nearest police station where the Victim Support Officer will assist you. You can also report cases via the police hotline 997. Getting familiar with what the law says about GBV is important in order to be able to identify situations of GBV and report them. Malawi adopted a number of policies and other legal frameworks to address this issue.
These are some of the resources to get started:
The Republic of Malawi Prevention of Domestic Violence Legislation
The Republic of Malawi: National Gender Policy
Ruth Ntombihle Mughogho is a 2021–2022 fellow serving as a Communications Fellow at Art and Global Health Center Africa.
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