Forgiveness and Trust: Why Should You Always Forgive But Not Always Trust?

It’s one of the paradoxical situations which is easily confused. People struggle with forgiving others who have hurt them as they feel, it will minimize the seriousness of the offence. What we need to understand is that we forgive the person but not the action done by them. Also, forgiveness and trust are different. Forgiveness is important as not to harbor negative emotions which threaten our well- being, where as restoration of trust is needed only if both the parties want to maintain and rebuild the relationship. You can forgive a person but not trust them but you cannot trust a person if you do not forgive them.

Let’s start with forgiveness. Do we really forgive if we do not forgive the action? The answer is ‘yes’.

When we forgive the person but not the action, it simply means we let go of feelings of resentment, hate, anger or sadness associated with that particular person.

Some times the person who hurt you never asks for forgiveness, then what are you supposed to do?

Forgive them any way because this will release all the emotions which do not serve you anymore and give you peace of mind. You are responsible for your well- being, not the other person. Forgiveness does not necessarily mean you are giving them another chance in the relationship. You always do have a choice to let them go or to give another chance.

When you let go of them and they are no longer part of your life, at least you no longer give them significant attention or importance. Blocking people from your life prevents you from being hurt by them again. It means, the best way forward for you, would be to part ways.

In case you decide to give them another chance, make sure to put across that you are willing to trust them provided they earn your trust with proof of action.

How to deal with a person who betrayed you is a family member?

The situation becomes complex, when you have to see them on daily basis or even live with them. In this situation, its imperative to maintain boundaries for your own well-being.

Boundaries are set to simply protect yourself from getting hurt again. For eg. you can set a boundary that no longer allows the other person to use your stuff without your prior permission. Another boundary you can set for yourself, is to be responsible for your own happiness rather than depend on your partner/ family member. Make sure you follow through the boundaries you have set to avoid further conflict. Healthy relationships need healthy boundaries.These boundaries should be discussed, agreed upon and respected.

Steps towards forgiveness:

1. Set an intention to forgive : Setting an intention sets you in the motion to forgive. To take the first step on the path and move forward with baby steps.

2. Give yourself time to heal: You go through roller coaster of emotions when you are hurt. The feelings have to be dealt over a period of time. Pain, anger, resentment, frustration are associated with hurt and betrayal. Process the feelings ( eg. writing journal, meditation,counselling, empowering yourself)is essential part of your healing. Such negative emotions block your growth and well- being. Its important to release them over a period of time.

3. Limit your expectation from others : Expectation from others lead to disappointment. Practice self reliance and stop expecting from the person who hurt you to help you in the healing. Sometimes they incapable or simply do not want to. To avoid further hurt, its best to rely on self for happiness. The universal truth is that no one but you are responsible for your own happiness.

4. Communicate: Its important to express the reason of your hurt and communicate to the concerned party. lay out open on the table all the feelings you might be going through and how the certain action by them has hurt you. Now this will do two things: a. you will not keep your emotions bottled up, b. you will put your message across!

5. Snap out of the victim mode : Do not allow anyone to make you feel like a victim. In the early stages, you might feel like one, but when you initiate the process of forgiveness, its important to empower yourself rather than feeling victimized to move ahead.

6. Empower yourself: You are all you need. Still we depend on others for various reasons. Emotionally we become vulnerable. It’s good to be emotional but being over emotional and dependence on others will definitely lead to hurt and disappointments. Learn the lesson from the past and apply on present. Pay attention to your own body mind and soul and take care of yourself.

7. Forgive self : Sometimes, we blame ourselves for being so naive to believe the lies and trust the other person blindly. It’s futile to badger yourself. Before you forgive the other, forgive yourself as we are only human.

8. Take time to forgive the other: If you have not done the above, its difficult to forgive someone truly from the heart. The residue of negative feelings towards that person will remain and show up in your interactions with them. Don’t beat yourself up, sometimes it takes years to forgive. What’s important is that you have have taken that road and walking the path.

Now lets talk about trust. Forgiveness and trust are essential, if you want to give the relationship another chance.Why is it important to have trust in a relationship? Simply because without trust the relationship is unhealthy. It’s not uplifting and you will question yourself time and again about being part of the relationship in the first place.

Sometimes, people unintentionally and unknowingly hurt you. It’s important to understand if it was a genuine mistake or choice they made. If the trust was not broken intentionally, you can forgive and move on quickly to maintain the relationship.

In case the trust was broken intentionally by the other party, then its time to decide consciously about the outcome of relationship. Trust will play a major factor. Listen to your gut, if you cannot trust the person again then accept that and let them go however difficult it might be. Start cutting the cord emotionally.

Now once you have forgiven them and decide to trust them, make sure you have proof of action which is continuous and consistent. Do not settle for anything less if you want to be taken seriously. Also, be patient. Restoration of trust cannot happen over night without commitment from both the parties in question. Forgiveness and trust are a two- way street. If you want forgiveness, you should be able to give it too, same with trust.

When your trust is broken multiple times, then it’s time to learn your lesson and wake up! “People always show you who they are. So believe them” -Maya Angelou. Its time to re- evaluate your expectations from them and decide. Taking such decisions are not easy so carefully plan your exit from the relationship. Remember, life has endless possibilities.