Forgiveness: It isn’t about me
According to every meme directing me to forgive others, I am supposed to benefit from forgiving people. When I forgive someone, it isn’t about me or for me. Here’s why.
“Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.” Jonathan Lockwood Huie
I have forgiven people who many would argue don’t deserve forgiveness. I don’t forgive others to help myself because it doesn’t help me. I don’t magically find peace once I have forgiven someone for something that hurt me deeply. My forgiveness isn’t for me. My forgiveness is for them because I am a doormat.
Yes, I’m a doormat, and I know it. I can’t live with myself any other way. I can’t stand the thought of hurting someone else’s feelings by not giving them a sense of absolution. That doesn’t make me a good person. It makes me a doormat. I can’t change it because I can’t quash the self-loathing that accompanies my failure to make someone else feel better. I am hardwired to help others, and I tend to feel empathy to a point where emotional pain turns to physical illness. Again, this doesn’t make me a good person. It makes me a doormat.
I’m not saying I forgive everyone for everything. That’s not true. I forgive people who I believe are sorry for what they’ve done, no matter how egregious the offense. I often end up forgiving over and over knowing full well the person is a repeat offender and will continue the same behavior. Thankfully, I am learning to stop forgiving people for empty apologies. I have walked away from people who aren’t genuinely sorry and those who refuse to apologize, empty or not. I have also walked away from people who substitute apologies with an insistence that I simply forget and move on without any type of resolution of an issue.
Why do I choose to forgive people who have committed atrocious acts against me? I forgive them because I want to believe they are sorry and feel it’s unfair not to allow them to feel better about themselves. It doesn’t ease my pain. It makes me feel like I am allowing them to unburden themselves by carrying the load for them. They feel better, and I feel like I have taken away some of their pain.
Whoa. I think I might have figured out a way that it does help me. It helps me by taking away the tremendous sense of guilt I feel for not allowing someone to feel better after they’ve hurt me.
Yep. I am indeed a doormat. But, I’m a doormat who isn’t burdened with guilt. Instead, I’m saddled with carrying the pain of the many people I’ve chosen to forgive. I do it willingly, knowingly, and without regret. Why? Because I’m hardwired to help people no matter what.
My forgiveness isn’t about me and it doesn’t help me. My forgiveness is my warped brain expressing how my bleeding heart cares about someone, even when I don’t want to. My forgiveness is an inner betrayal of an overly sappy person who cares too much and often cares for the wrong people.
I’ll keep forgiving people, but my forgiveness isn’t for me. It’s for them.
Signed,
A doormat
