The Trick to True Freedom is in the Small, Boring, and Everyday
It’s a paradox, as so many great truths are.
“There is no freedom without self-discipline.” — Harriet Rossetto, Sacred Housekeeping (2012)
This quote feels like a total paradox. And yet, in my experience as a university student — heralded as one of the most free times of our lives, — and now a twenty-something — trying to build a life of freedom, — I think that there’s a well-kept secret in here critical to thriving in this thing we call life.
You’re not free when life is a series of sprints.
I spent much of my time at university living an ‘if only’ and ‘I just’ life.
If only I could get this paper done, then I’d be able to go out with my friends.
I just need to get through this hell week of exams, then I can finally rest.
If only I didn’t have so many assigned readings, then I could read what I actually want to read.
I just need to wake up earlier, then I’ll be able to workout.
Life at university felt like one sprint after another, as if I was constantly catching up to it. And it was a horribly vicious cycle, living in ‘if onlys’ and ‘I justs’.
You start off the year with the best of intentions, right? Before class had even begun I was filling in my wall calendar with all my academic and extra-curricular responsibilities in bright dry erase marker, mapping out a smooth semester.
But that first week would always be spent indulging in Netflix and catching up with friends and eating dinner at midnight and maybe reading the first page of a textbook or two in between. You rationalize pushing the pendulum that far to one side of life (the side of hedonism) because you know you’re capable of powering through the work on a just-in-time schedule. And then you’ll rest with Netflix and reward yourself with late nights out again because hey, I just put in a ton of work — I’ve earned it.
Another deadline quickly approaches, and the cycle continues. Instead of travelling a marathon with the occasional hill, my semesters became a series of mountains and canyons.
I never could catch up to all of my ‘if onlys’ and ‘I justs’. I was living for deadlines, for the rush of sprinting to the finish line, for the cycle of exhilaration and exhaustion that comes with being the hare when life is made up of races. As a result, I never did read for fun, or get into a sustainable workout routine, or feel really, truly rested.
My time always felt shackled by the next sprint I knew I would have to do in service of getting that piece of paper. So I started to look to graduation for true freedom and peace.
You’re also not free when life is an endless, open road.
But then I graduated and all of a sudden no one was giving me finish lines.
Life forced a routine upon me, but I still had a sprinter’s mindset. Three months was my probation period at work, but that was 3/4 of a semester in my previous life as a student. It only took 3 weeks for me to start to feel restless.
All of a sudden I could watch Netflix and hang out with friends all I wanted on the weekends and once I got home from work during the week, but it was clouded with negativity. I felt anxious and frustrated.
I certainly didn’t feel at peace, and I certainly didn’t feel free — I felt trapped.
A series of events later and I found myself leaving my corporate life to head back to school. School starts in two weeks but back then I had almost a full year to wait. Now there were really no deadlines. My days were completely unstructured, unplanned, and unlimited.
I found myself a sprinter with nothing to sprint towards.
My life is one big rest, and I have all the freedom in the world to read for fun, build a sustainable workout routine, watch Netflix, hang out with friends, and find my peace.
The thing is, when you have nothing to structure your life and no one to hold you accountable except for you, a paradox emerges. Total freedom reveals itself to be just another form of trapped. Mental cages grow through days of inaction, rumination, and mind games.
As a result, I struggled to read for fun, and get into a sustainable workout routine, and enjoy watching Netflix and hanging out with friends. I certainly didn’t feel at peace, and I certainly didn’t feel free.
Which brings me to today.
Here’s the truth about true freedom
“Everything we need to live at peace requires daily maintenance.” — Harriet Rossetto, Sacred Housekeeping (2012)
The quotes in this article come from Harriet Rossetto’s 2012 memoir, Sacred Housekeeping. Rossetto argues that choosing to do things that on the surface seem to be pointless, like making your bed or organizing your closet or putting clothes on when you’re not planning on leaving your house, are actually incredibly sacred acts. They’re acts of love and self-worth, of self-care that change how we show up to our lives in imperceptible but foundational ways.
Because before, during, and after the races, the triumphs, the exhilaration and pleasure and fun, there’s always the laundry. Before, during, and after the days of endless, open road, there’s always the bills. The dishes. A bathroom that needs cleaning or a seam that needs repairing. Even the greatest dinner requires a table to be set and cleared, every single time.
I think she’s giving us a secret to the freedom I never felt when you’re living with a sprinter’s mindset — true freedom comes from having the self-discipline to to do all the things that will never be races.
To live a truly free, thriving life isn’t a result of checking off boxes. It isn’t even a result, really, because it can’t be thought of as a race; thriving is a process that needs to be consistently nurtured, cared for, maintained. It’s the act of making your bed even when you know you’re going to mess it up again. Or taking off your makeup before you go to sleep even though you’ll want to put it on again in 8 hours.
Or chipping away at your paper every day even though you know you could cram it into the 24 hours before it’s due.
Or getting up 30 minutes earlier to work out today even though tomorrow always seems to come, and you could always do it then instead.
Or putting your phone away to read for fun before bed even though there’s no deadline on this one. Even though it’s only for you.
When you live an ‘if only’ and ‘I just’ life, the purpose of living gets lost. Because what are we really racing towards if not the end? Living is a process, thriving is a process, and true freedom comes from embracing this process rather than trying to shortchange it.
And even if life were a race, the tortoise won in the end, didn’t he?
So the trick to true freedom? You can have it right now. It’s in the maintenance of it all.
Hey! I’m Sarah, a 25-year old Canadian giving the next generation of leaders the space and tools to thrive — because we really need you. You can find more resources to support you on your journey to thriving at my digital home.
