Autism Social Situations
A monthly perspective.
FYI: I’m an autism mom, not a psychologist.
Pretend you’re a mature adult in your 30’s or 40’s. You’re also a parent. You come over to my house to visit for an hour or two after work on a Friday night. As you walk through the front door you say hello to my 10 year old son and he ignores you. It’s nothing new, he rarely says hello to you or to your spouse for that matter.
Would that make you mad?
Honestly.
You mad Bro?
What if you knew this boy was medically diagnosed with special needs and has been seeing therapists weekly for 4 years straight. I tell you all his struggles, how his brain works differently and that he has major challenges with communication.
Would you still be mad at this child?
Would you be mad at the parents?
I’ve seen adults get mad in this situation even when they are fully aware of the child’s medical diagnosis’s. Every time I see it happen it always feels inappropriate and I never know what to say to the adult.
For the adult, how to approach a child with special needs socially:
When you’re socializing with a child on the autism spectrum or has other special needs you’ll want to take yourself out of the equation. The way the child responds or doesn’t respond doesn’t have anything to do with you, unless you’re yelling of course. All kids want to feel that they are important, that they are being included and can tell if you are being respectful towards them.
I once heard an episode of The Holderness Family Podcast, season 2 January 14th, where Dr Emily King is a guest talking about “what not to say to someone with a special needs child”. Dr Emily describes how people interact with toddlers, how we talk to toddlers and realize “oh, this kid is interacting with me. So you stop talking to the parent holding the baby and you start talking to the baby”. She compares that interaction with toddlers to how we should interact with children with special needs. When we talk to the child we should keep the conversation going even though they may not be fully responding to us.
“When you don’t get that not verbal feedback from a young child because there’s a social or language delay you assume that they don’t want to interact or you assume that they wouldn’t benefit from your greeting. They will benefit from your greeting and you’re actually giving them a social opportunity” says Dr Emily. Everyone learns from having discussions even when the child “may not respond or it takes them a while to respond. But that parent appreciated that. That you saw them, you saw them as a person” says Dr Emily.
Another point, don’t put expectations on making eye contact or shaking hands. “You’re there to notice that they’re there too, and give them a smile and the more exposure kids get to that in the community the better” says Dr Emily.
Hear more from the podcast here:
I don’t think anyone can grow unless he’s loved exactly as he is now, appreciated for what he is rather than what he will be. — Mr. Rogers
