#BeingaTeenager
Born with No Purpose, finding one instead
The kink and knack of growing up.
A woman who knows what she brings to the table isn’t afraid to eat alone.
I’m afraid to eat alone.
Life in this world seems so unpredictable and rapid and sometimes I just can’t keep up. I cannot help but feel betrayed. When I was just a naive little kid I was promised a world of beauty and kindness. I imagined a world of all glitter and no darkness, where everyone would be full of joy and delight and I was ‘special’. The facts were curtained behind my innocence, maybe even ignorance.
Slowly and steadily the world began to unveil itself before my eyes. There was only one word that could describe my emotions- Shock. Utter and absolute shock.
One day you believe that life is going to be like a fairy tale and the next day Trump is the president of the USA (and it might happen again!)
I had so many dreams and aspirations for myself, I wanted to be an astronaut, a social worker, a teacher, a fashion designer and do literally everything with my short little life.
Except, after you read a book, you can never unread it.
All my expectations were shattered and it only broke me further. It just didn’t make sense anymore.
I felt beat down.
There were just too many bad things happening, too many problems. It’s like being thrown onto a tight pole with no safety net.
Your life is now your responsibility and your future is in your hands.
That is literally the scariest thing I’ve heard in my entire short existence on this planet.
The peer pressure that comes with this responsibility is an absolute pain. It’s simple really- I don’t want to let go of my childhood. (I’m presently 15 years old and believe me when I say that I have grown more physically than mentally.) I thought that I was special, irreplaceable when truly 100s of people were waiting in line to take my spot. Being a teenager is tough, too many eyes looking at your side, assessing your every step, making a judgment of who you are. Seriously, I haven’t figured that out myself.
Then this single thought comes creeping into my mind- What if I’m not enough?
I don’t really know what to do next. After I get my final exam results, then what? What must I do next?
Too many unanswered questions and too many choices, that might as well change who I am.
Is growing up truly letting go a part of yourself?
However hard I try to ‘go with the flow’ and just do things the way I had always done, it never works out. There is always a thorn ready to make me bleed. Every day I walk into my class to feel the waves of tension hit my heart like a tidal wave. However light-hearted one might act on the outside, secretly we all were well aware that with days passing the way they do, we were all one step closer to be dangling puppets of the world. My teachers never fail to remind us that life ain’t gonna be easy, like stating the gravity of the situation was making us feel any better.
The biggest factor that contributes to my decreasing self-esteem is just me. Whatever might happen in the outside, I’m just scared that I won’t be able to live up to my own expectations.
I don’t want to disappoint me.
I don’t want to be the girl who is ‘beaten down by life’.
Maybe, I know too much to be free. I know the ways of the world.
Rape. Murder. War. Victim-blaming. Discrimination. Climate Change.
Ignorance is bliss, I’ve heard people say. Maybe they aren’t so wrong.
How the hell am I supposed to survive in a world that has set itself in ‘Self- Destruct Mode’?
Sometimes I just want to give up.
Maybe, I was just a part of God’s wicked sense of humour.
What use is this life anyway?
I mean, what can a single person do that can change the world. All I have ever wanted to do with my life was to make the world a better place. Easier said than done. I am one who is inspired by these cheesy quotes like ‘Be the change you want to see in the world’. Yet, there are a few instances in life where my hope fails me. People and their selfish intentions make me want to scream. The world doesn’t deserve anything better, I tell myself, you can only fight fire with fire, we destroy it and thereby it is we who shall face the consequences.
Why must I try at all?
You are the future generation, people tell me.
Oh, shit.
You are the ones who will change the world.
The future is doomed, I’d joke around.
To be honest, I fully and completely dislike thinking about the future, for I do not trust myself enough to make the right choices. Sometimes, I just don’t feel qualified enough to decide my next steps, afraid that I would make the wrong one. These choices will define who I am to the world, even when I don’t know who I am to myself. There are just too many options there that I never really know the right one.
What can I achieve that somebody else can’t?
Being a child is no child’s play.
Maybe, I just know too little of the sea to know the ocean.
I don’t know the path the world has set for me. It’s scary. Sometimes, I feel all alone. It feels like it is only me stuck in this tsunami of insecurities.
Somehow, I will survive, I just know. If not for myself, for all those other people who care about my existence. Because I do matter.
And then I realize with a smile, I am not nobody.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.
I can’t let anyone take my pain, it is mine, for it will make me braver, ready to face the bitter world and make it a tiny bit sweeter. None understand the value of pleasure without a bit of pain. This knowledge of the ways of the world that I get as a teenager, instead of letting it push me down, I can let it pull me up. I can be better than who I wanted to be.
My little steps can make a big difference. Instead of bearing the heavy heartache of having never tried, I’d rather try and fail, again and again, and again. All I preach is Hope.
My confidence cannot depend on what others think of me, but of what I think of myself. Sure, sometimes what I think of myself depends on what others think of me, but I’m trying.
It’s all the part of the game, we call life.
I just want to become a better person.
Every time, I look into the mirror I don’t want this tiny bit of disappointment to remain in my heart.
I want to be able to eat alone, without feeling like an insignificant speck in this brilliant world.
And hopefully in the end, when my grey-haired self looks back to take a glimpse of who she had been, I want her to smile with pride.
How hard can that be?
I don’t know if it’s ‘meant to be’, but if it isn’t I’ll have to make it be, improvise.
True, I don’t know my ending. It’s funny, isn’t it, how the journey is more important than the destination, however blood-sucking it might be.
Sometimes being a realist just doesn’t work out. The probability of me changing the world to the better might be less than good, but that’s all I need. Life isn’t a question paper you can solve your way through.
Growing up isn’t erasing a part of who you are but making way for who you can be.
Why must I be embarrassed about being confused?
Sure, a tingle of jealousy runs through me when I see my classmates who are so sure of their place in this world. Except no longer because I am free to explore this world and what it has for me, and somewhere in the middle, I’ll find what I’m looking for.
I have no road for I will have to make my own, with my sweat, tears, and blood, just how I want it, when I want it.
Where do I see myself in 10 years?
I swear I don’t know, but I’ll figure it out.
Author’s Note-
July 29 2019
This was the date I had written this piece, and more than a year later I’m still able to relate to it. While I was scrolling through my Medium drafts today, this piece caught my eye. I believe I had not published this before because I was insecure about sharing my perspective, and believed it wasn’t worth being shared.
My Story is Worth Sharing.
Turns out I was very wise- to produce this article- and very foolish- to keep it to myself- at the same time last year.
Thanks for reading.
