Choosing The Voices In Your Head

Photo by sydney Rae on Unsplash

During this insane moment in history that’s full of so much fear and pain, we’re inundated with a cacophony of negative voices on our televisions, in the news, and on our social media feeds. But for many of us, that’s not where the negativity ends. We’re also facing the voices in our heads — voices of shame, loathing, and anxiety.

We usually cultivate these voices early, and like mockingbirds, they mimic a familiar voice from our lives: a cruel caregiver, a traumatizer, an abuser, or authority figure sitting in cold judgment. Even if there are other, positive voices on the periphery of our lives in the form of kind teachers or coaches, the negative voices are always able to shout down the kinder ones until they finally fade away.

Though my own brain-based task-master probably appeared around third grade, it’s clearly evidenced in my middle school journal, which was not only filled with tween angst about the 8th grade dance or who was going to carry my books when I was on crutches; it also had the deeply passive-aggressive and cruel subtext usually found in British costume dramas. The constant, snide muttering told me I was fat, ugly, stupid, awkward, worthless, unloveable, talentless, and — did I mention fat? Though my journal never named these shortcomings, they formed a constant, toxic tide that fueled my inner monologue throughout the day.