Clients will, at times, lie to you.

Trauma therapists walk with clients through unexpectedly rocky roads.

Photo by Milk Chan on Unsplash

As an EMDR therapist, I make sure to inform my clients that while honesty in EMDR therapy is sacrosanct for disturbing memories to be processed, the memory can be fickle. As part of the therapeutic alliance, I will invite clients to feel free to point out if there is any memory that comes up and that they are unsure about as they recount their stories — past or recent — because trauma does affect memory. In rare cases, discussions are also geared towards false memories if needed. Despite all cautionary measures, I may at times “catch” a lie — in terms of story sequences that just don’t corroborate, or caregivers or spouses revealing different facts.

I will immediately go back to the history taking session to look for possible causes for lies. Here’s why: when you begin to train in trauma therapy, you understand that trauma can vary in intensity and frequency. Working with clients quickly teaches you that each mind, body and heart receives and processes distress differently and you probably learn to embrace that one of the challenges of the job is that each client has unique and specific needs.

If you are a new therapist, however, realising that a client is lying to you can be unsettling. No matter your awareness of trauma complexities, it may even make you question your ability to create a good therapeutic relationship. It is also easy for some therapists to dismiss clients who lie as just “difficult”. While a client’s lies have to be addressed in a non-accusatory manner, it is helpful to understand some of the reasons why they may lie.

1. They actually feel physically unsafe telling the truth. For instance, they may need reassurance that the session is confidential and that the therapist can assist with getting them help if they face physical danger.
2. They feel unsafe telling their truth. Did someone refuse to believe them? Does their version of the truth have shocking elements? Do they doubt their own version? (For instance, because they were under some influence).
3. They have a condition which causes them to lie. For instance, some clients with an episode of Bipolar Disorder or Narcissistic Personality Disorder may embellish their personal achievements to feed their ego even as they speak to their therapist.
4. They like you and want you to like them back, especially at an initial stage of the therapeutic relationship. They fear that revealing too much of their history may reveal their mistakes or flaws and may affect the way you perceive them.
5. They don’t want to be in therapy. They are in therapy due to loved ones pushing them towards it but have no genuine interest in committing to the work.
6. …at times, it can be about you. Do they feel pressurised to complete their progress tasks or meet some objectives that makes them feel compelled to lie? It is essential to keep your own approach in check when clients are not making progress.
7. They are in denial of the truth because it involves their personal responsibility. For instance, they may be in therapy for an accident they have caused themselves by driving recklessly, but have a hard time accepting they could do so much harm.
8. They are in denial of the trauma. For instance, during the processing phase in EMDR, the more the image of the perpetrator becomes clear, and the client realises it’s someone they love and trust, it may be hard to accept that this person could betray them, causing the client to question whether the harm happened at all.
9. They are scared of collateral damage. For instance, if they admit to cheating on their spouse, will their children have to witness a murky divorce and grow up with a single parent? Will the family unit break together with the couple?
10. They feel shame and/or guilt. While those emotions are generally very present in trauma victims, the shame/guilt loop may be enhanced for instance by the client’s spiritual or cultural beliefs that they should not be in therapy in the first place.

Trauma therapy is that milieu where human fragility peaks and the trauma therapist should always be aware of the same. It is hence essential to remember that in trauma therapy, compassion always wins.