5 Ways to Create a Healthy Relationship with Social Media
Because we need to break the addiction
When I first joined Facebook in 2005, I could only sign in to my account from my college dorm room computer. I generally enjoyed posting photos the day after a party and sharing my thoughts on my own “wall” but these activities were a relatively small part of my life. Back then, I only checked my account once or twice a day.
Over a decade later, I was mindlessly sliding my thumb over my smart phone apps and refreshing my Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter feeds several times an hour. I knew I was addicted, but I couldn’t stop scrolling, and I couldn’t stop sharing.
Every time I posted an update, I was sharing news with an anonymous audience of 500 people. Sure, I knew each of these individuals at some point in my life: a former classmate; a former co-worker. But the assumption that they should learn about my life through an app made me feel entitled, self-absorbed, and lazy. And the fact that I hadn’t spoken to someone in 8 years, but, if asked, could recite her dog’s name, where she went on vacation last summer, and what she ate for lunch today was WEIRD.
I decided to take a break. In 2016, I deactivated my Facebook account.
de·ac·ti·vate
to make (something) inactive by disconnecting or destroying it.
synonyms: disable, defuse, disarm, disconnect, immobilize, stop, turn off
Even though I claimed to use these platforms as methods of communication, I knew social media was not providing the kind of genuine connection I valued. I was craving intimate, small group conversations, not a one-way broadcast system that feeds comparison and jealousy and competition. I recognized that I was relying on social media as a mindless distraction, and I needed to disrupt the role it had in my life.
Here are five steps I’ve used to create healthy boundaries with these tools that are intentionally designed to be addictive.
1. De-activate for One Week
I thought de-activating my accounts for a week would be easy. It wasn’t, but that’s how I knew it was necessary. Not being able to scroll through my endless feeds felt brutal, but it helped me notice which social media apps I was missing and why. For me, I realized that I missed documenting my days through single photos on Instagram, but I didn’t necessarily miss scrolling through Twitter or reading details about my high school friends’ inner thoughts on Facebook.
De-activating my Facebook account turned into one month which turned into four years. Eventually, I created a new account to connect with some local groups in my new community, but the years away helped me break the addiction and refocus. I decided not to use Facebook on my phone and I was able to establish healthy other boundaries which have really improved my experience.
2. Move the Apps
Once I re-activated the app that I wanted to keep on my phone (in my case, Instagram — I decided I can check Twitter and Facebook twice a day on my laptop), I decided that I wanted to open it intentionally instead of letting that be my default mindless scroll.
To break the muscle memory, I buried the app to require several swipes to access it, and I continue to move it around every few weeks. Doing this made me realize how many times I was mindlessly checking it because I kept accidentally opening my calculator or whatever app replaced the Instagram icon from the week before. Whenever I install potentially addictive apps in the future, I’ll keep moving them to new places on my phone.
3. Monitor the Time You Spend
If you’d asked me, I’d probably guess that I spent less than an hour on social media with all of my quick breaks added together, but the apps told me otherwise. Seeing how much time I was actually devoting to scrolling through my tiny screen helped me think about how much time I actually WANTED to spend there.
I decided to set reminders and time limits to get to a place that felt right for me. Another option is to remove the app and use the mobile web site instead. Better yet, move your phone. We don’t need to spend every moment within arms reach of our phones and making the apps intentionally inaccessible will help you build healthier habits.
4. Reflect on Your Why
I kept asking myself: Why do you use social media? What role does it have in your life? I claimed to use Facebook with good intentions — to check in with friends — but I’d always end up feeling worse after I looked at it. Why?
I started writing a few lines about how I felt after scrolling and noted that I often felt isolated, jealous, or intimidated by the tiny pieces of my former friends’ lives that they were choosing to share on the internet. I realized that I really enjoy the way that talking through ideas and experiences leads to new ideas and experiences, but social media comment sections never felt like the place for that.
Instead of letting old versions of these people exist in my memory, I was scrolling through photos of them with kids, on vacations, or living out of a car. We aren’t supposed to know these intimate details of someone’s life without being a part of it. And I know some people enjoy immersing themselves into these details, but for me, it feels weird. I decided I wanted to use social media to stay in touch with people I actually knew AND to learn from activists and therapists about things I’m actually interested in, but I don’t need to stumble through lives of people I don’t talk to anymore. So I curated my feed to reflect that.
5. Create Space and Boundaries (Hide Your Friends!)
I spent a while considering the obligations and expectations I feel about these apps. I realized I felt guilty if I didn’t like something a friend posted within a few hours, which is weird. I felt obligated to comment on photos, and I didn’t like that, either. So I stopped.
I spent some time identifying the friends who I actually would call or text to check in with, and I hid the rest. Their profiles are still accessible to me, if I want to take a look I can, but they won’t pop up in my feed organically, and I like being in control of what I see when. By hiding them, I eliminated the guilt I’d feel for not like something right away.
Another boundary I created has to do with what I use the apps for. I don’t update my Facebook status anymore. I communicate 1:1 through the messenger or in private grief groups, for example. That works best for me. I made my Instagram account private. I only share things on Twitter that I’m comfortable sharing publicly. When it comes to talking to friends, I’m making an effort to mail more letters, send texts, and write thoughtful emails to stay in touch on a personal level. I do this mostly because it feels good and also because I realized I don’t enjoy sharing private details of my life or seeking advice and validation from everyone at once.
Why it’s Worth It
I decided that I prefer the kind of communication exchange where one person’s experience organically feeds into another’s. I wouldn’t choose to share details of my personal grief with everyone I’ve ever met, but I do enjoy sharing those stories with someone who is in a similar place. I wouldn’t gush about a fun date night with someone going through a break-up. I wouldn’t share my best news on someone else’s worst day. The way I was using social media before did not offer this kind of selection and empathy. So I fixed it.
