“Dear Shithead…”

Dear Shithead,

Your piercing, unapologetic words embarrassed and angered me. They were cold and ruthless. What bothered me the most was your ignorance towards the fact that English was my fourth language, which should have explained my silly grammar mistakes in my text messages. I had to switch between the languages constantly in my head to produce understandable sentences in English — something that I assume you were incapable to grasp at this young age. I’m not saying that you’re dumber than me, but I am definitely saying that you’re a narrow-minded, intolerant bigot.

When you told me to “learn some English grammar first” [before texting you], you hoped that these words would hurt me (so much for the cliché, right?) and that I would stop sending you my non-comprehensive rubbish. And you were right — they left a ridged imprint on me. I was furious and I wanted to tell you off. Fortunately, my phone died and you never got to know how far I wanted you to take yourself and what you should do to yourself when you get there.

What you also don’t know is that instead of forcing me to shut up, your words inspired me to pursue the knowledge of intricate nuances of the English language. Thanks to you I educated myself on subjects that are hard for some native English-speakers to comprehend, and in short period I learned what these native English-speakers take years to learn — or simply don’t learn at all. I highly doubt that you are uneducated, but you’re definitely a pompous brat. I assume you take English for granted and arrogantly look down on those, who are learning it. Do you think speaking English with perfection is a gift that you were given at birth? I don’t know. But you made it clear that your knowledge of English grammar is superior to that of anyone else. Why else would you so kindly advise me to learn it, too?

Let’s forget that you’re missing commas, misspell words and make your Facebook posts sound redundant. I have to give it to you — you write shortly and to the point; a skill like this takes time to learn. I know that my writing is still not perfect. I am still learning and still improving my English. But I don’t talk down to people who try to educate themselves. That’s the biggest difference between us.

I wanted to thank you for propelling my desire to educate myself better. You accomplished your mission; your advice worked and you may now go forth and spill thy seeds of wisdom. You enabled me to tell you to go fuck yourself without you even realizing it.

Sincerely,

Kiss My Ass.