Fifth Time’s the Charm
I recently celebrated my fifth wedding anniversary — with my fifth husband! After a string of committed relationships, over the course of a long journey, followed by intense self-reflection and acknowledgment of often-painful lessons learned, I finally trusted myself to say yes to yet another committed relationship. I truly hoped this would be my last marriage and so far, so good.
As a publicly professed “reformed” Multiple Marrier (meaning someone who has been married 3 or more times), I am proud to say that I had avoided walking down the aisle for 13-plus years. In fact, I wisely used that time to step back and take a very hard look at myself and the reasons why I had made those earlier marital decisions.
You see, in order to move forward, it was critical for me to (1) understand how I had become a “serial relationship” individual in the first place and (2) acknowledge my role in contributing to that seemingly endless “revolving-door” cycle. So during my “time-out from marriage” years, I seized the opportunity to examine my own personality, behaviors and actions. I intensely explored the psychology of others’ Relationship Repeater patterns, too. Determined as well to understand and break my own unhealthy patterns, it was that very focus that finally led me straight to the heart and soul of “me!”
The intricate and difficult analytical journey I embarked upon to get to know “me,” “myself” and “I” not only helped me become a more knowledgeable and insightful human being, but a more compassionate person, as well. Ultimately, it made me a better partner…for husband number five.
Quite frankly, I had come to a place in my life where I no longer needed to get married for “emotional reasons.” That was in sharp contrast to my serial dating-and-marriage years when I would immediately embark upon a quest to find the next (more suitable) partner immediately after the demise of the previous relationship. I never looked back. I only looked forward to greener pastures…but oftentimes, I simply traded one set of problems for a brand-new set of problems… with a brand-new partner.
In 2005, I started to turn a corner in my life in terms of relationships and marriage. By chance, I became involved with an intelligent, kind and thoughtful man who loved me for who I was — right from the beginning. He even encouraged me to continue to find “myself” outside our relationship as a couple, and taught me the importance of discovering my passions, finding ways to address my own needs and learning how to be emotionally self-reliant. He believed that if I could accomplish those goals in relationship “boot camp,” I would become a happier person on my own. As a side benefit, I would be a stronger partner in our relationship.
“Needy No More!” became my mantra. I discovered that I could actually stand on my own, with or without a relationship. My partner was absolutely right in his caring approach. I was becoming that person he knew I could become…confident, secure and happy being me first. The relationship followed naturally.
So, lo and behold, when my partner (and not I, for a change) popped the question (this would be his second marriage, but my fifth), I braced myself for a major life change yet again. But this time, it would be a minor life alteration for me. We had been rehearsing our relationship lessons together over the course of several years, were quite comfortable with who we were as a couple and, more to the point, with who we were as individuals. I had finally graduated from the “School of Hard Relationship Knocks”! All I had to do for true relationship success from now on was to stay on the track of nurturing this wonderful, loving friendship I had with my partner, and simultaneously continue to flourish as my own person. I felt ready to say “yes” to The Big Question.
But then…a concern crossed my mind. “What about the fact that I describe myself as a reformed multiple marrier?” Yet here I was, getting married again — and not for the second or third, or even fourth, time, but for the fifth time. Wouldn’t I be a laughingstock? A hypocrite? A clear example of someone who doesn’t practice what she preaches? Wouldn’t my family, my friends and others question my sanity to even consider jumping into Marriage #5?
The more I thought about it, however, now that I had finally become my own person, I no longer needed to seek approval from others. I had analyzed for myself all the reasons why “tying the knot” made perfect sense at that stage in my life; the decision was easy, and I made it with confidence. Joining into a legal union with a man whom I had loved for years and had also evolved as an individual with, just seemed right to me.
Interestingly enough, the reaction to the news of our commitment from friends, acquaintances and loved ones who knew us, both as individuals and as a couple, was overwhelmingly positive and supportive. Final takeaway: Don’t let the past define you. Once you have developed self-awareness, have learned some valuable life lessons, and have a desire to completely eliminate destructive relationship patterns, then you, too, can successfully develop a long-term, committed relationship with the right partner.
For me, the Fifth Time was the charm. However, I’m hoping you will be a much faster learner.
Note: This message is for anyone who has had difficulty getting committed relationships to stick…marriage or not.
Pam Evans is the author of Ring EXchange — Life Lessons from a Multiple Marrier, which is a tale of Pam’s sequential marriage journey and her lessons learned along that road less traveled.
In addition to being an author, Pam is a Relationship Strategist whose mission it is to help others avoid the critical mistakes she made both in her personal life and at times, in her high-tech career. Pam recently was a guest on Modern Living with Kathy Ireland on E! and has appeared on numerous TV and radio programs, including January Jones “Sharing Success Stories”. You’ll find Pam’s advice on marriage and relationships in popular publications, as well.
