From 97 out of 100 to 47 out of 100. Here’s how I lost interest in Maths and said “Hi” to Depression.
The Grading System
Being born in a Brown family; I have always been a good student.
Not because I wanted to but because I had to.
Let me explain.
My parents had a simple Punish-Reward Grading system for me that was totally different than that of my school.
My school’s grading system was:
80% or above = A+ Grade
70–79% = A Grade
60–69% = B Grade
50–59% = C grade
40–49% = D grade
Anything below 40 = Fail
But my parents were like:
“no, noo, No, NOO. That Grading system is for everyone else but you.
So here’s how my parents graded it for me:
95–100% = You get a gift of Your choice
90–94% = You get a gift of Our choice
85–89% = You get a gift from Kmart
80–84%= You had the nerve to ask for a gift?
80% or below= Write “Gift” 1000 times and submit it by dinner
Obviously, I had to stay in the range of “Getting a Gift of my choice” and worked really hard to stay there but you know it ain’t easy to stay up there.
So I broke things down a little bit and told myself:
“Hey, Maths is the only place where you can get 100/100. Focus on that and all other courses/subjects will follow along… hopefully”
It was an optimistic lie that I used to tell myself every year.
But it did make me good at maths, at least on paper as my marks were close to a perfect 100 every year but trust me, to this day I am annoyed that why I was taught Pythagoras theorem over doing taxes or starting a business.
The Highs of Year 10
Being a consistently good student, my parents anticipated the result to be better every year.
If it’s the same as of the previous year, I would get treated like a guy without a mask in public; no one would say anything but I would know that Something is WRONG.
Fast forward to year 10.
I worked really hard, went to tuition and school, studied almost 2 to 3 hours every day and I was able to score 97/100 in Maths during my SSC examinations with the overall percentage of 88%.
I missed 90% by just 2% but I was happy because my plan worked again.
Everyone at home was ecstatic, I got to buy a gift of my choice (Surprisingly) which was a Nokia 5310 XpressMusic (and in my mind, I was the coolest Homosapien to walk on the face of planet Earth).
The Lows of Year 11
God BLESS the person who suggested me to opt for Engineering in Year 11 because according to him and I quote:
There is a huge scope of Engineering Sciences in the world and for generations to come.
This single advice turned my life from XpressMusic to Depressed “Johnny Cash” Music.
Like my strategy until Year 10, which was to give time to Maths and hopefully everything will follow along, I did the same in Year 11 but By God, Engineering Maths in Year 11 was something different.
It went from Sets, Union, Intersections to Derivatives, Interjections, Probability and what not(if you don't know what I am talking about, please DON’T Google these terms as I don’t want you to ruin your day — You're Welcome).
It felt like going through a Steel slide in a 50 degree Celcius (122F) heat.
It felt like McGregor throwing rapid punches to Mayweather without landing any.
I was lost, desperate and afraid.
For the first time in my life, I started to cry by just looking at the books as the more I tried to learn, the more I became unsure of what I know.
And then the time came. The time for HSC examinations and the first exam of my HSC was none other than Maths. That was the first time I looked at Maths as Mathematics (yes, there is a difference and only people who opt for Engineering know it).
First Experience of Anxiety
Usually, first experiences are unforgettable in a good way but this experience was something that I wish I can forget.
6 days before the exam, I started to have sleepless nights, I would sleep at 6 or 6:30 in the morning and wake up in like 30 or 45 mins
I would wake up thirsty, sweaty and exhausted as if I have been running for the past 30 or 45 mins.
I would want to go back to sleep but I can’t. It reached a point where I started to take sleeping pills (2 to 3 at a time) without letting anyone know but that would only kick in more anxiety.
My “Guilt” Moment
On the day of my exam, I vividly remember my dad dropping me at the examination centre and as per the tradition he looked at me and said:
‘Start by reciting the prayer, read the entire paper for first 5 mins and then attempt each question carefully”
To that, I said “Yes Dad”
After that, he looked at me with a big smile and said:
“Go Smash it son”
With a grim smile on my face, I left the car, didn’t look back and for the next 100 metres or so that I walked towards the gate of the examination centre, I cried like a Baby.
I have never had that feeling of guilt and shame before because I knew that when the result would turn up, I won’t be able to live up to his expectations.
I could see students revising their notes and all of a sudden everyone looked at me and they saw
A Boy, that was walking with tears in his eyes and fear in his heart
The Exam
When I sat down for the exam and looked at the question paper I realised I don’t know half of it.
I don’t know which chapter or section those questions were from so I started to count the “Marks” in front of each question.
I quickly realised that out of 100 marks, I only know questions that are worth a total of 50 marks.
That means that if I attempt the paper with the best of my knowledge and with all the luck that I can have, I would get a Maximum of 50 marks out of 100.
After realising my odds, I got to work and the first thing I did was that I took my Black pen and literally crossed out all the questions that I didn’t intend to attempt.
Like a child, I coloured all the questions that I didn’t know until the point they became illegible.
After doing that, I attempted the questions that I knew, one-by-one.
I took my time with each one of them and made sure that I don’t make a mistake because any mistake would push me closer to 40 = Fail mark and I would definitely never want that.
Conclusion
During this entire ordeal that lasted me an entire year. Here’s what I figured out:
- Expectations can hurt real bad. The higher the expectations (which in my case was 10 year long academic record) the more it hurts
- Anxiety and Depression lead you nowhere. They just make things more miserable with each and every passing day of your life
- Stay true to what you know and what you feel like. There is no point to feel left out of something that you don’t even care in the first place
And finally Do not take advice from every Tom, Dick & Harry
