Gaslighting — Don’t Let Others Dim Your Sense of Self — Pam Evans
By now, although most of us have heard the term “gaslighting,” we may not know exactly what it means. Although the expression originated over eighty years ago, it just recently made a resurgence into the common vernacular.
In 1938, British dramatist Patrick Hamilton wrote the play Gas Light that featured a middle-class London couple, Jack and Bella Mannington. The first act opens one late afternoon. Bella is obviously deeply upset and anxious. Her husband’s unsympathetic and reproachful attitude toward her emotions only amplifies her distress. As the play progresses, we learn that Jack is trying to convince Bella that she is losing her mind, even going so far as to tell her that she is imagining that the gaslight in their home is dimming.
This play (along with its two subsequent movie adaptations in the 1940s) gave rise to the currently popular slang term gaslighting.
Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse designed to induce confusion and self-doubt in someone by persistent psychological manipulation — to the point where the hapless victim questions reality, even his or her own sanity.
For example, gaslighters will often attempt to convince you that people are talking about you behind your back; or, they might say something and later deny having said it, deliberately hide objects from you, or insist you were not in a certain place when in actuality you were. See how these tactics, especially when applied repeatedly over time, could cause confusion and self-doubt?
Gaslighting occurs in the workplace, in friendships, families and romantic relationships, it can either be unintentional or calculated. In its mildest form, gaslighting uses arbitrary scrutiny, judgment or micro-aggression to create a subtle yet unbalanced power dynamic. At its most severe, gaslighting is an intense form of targeted psychological control and exploitation.
But make no mistake about it: gaslighting IS abuse.
The endgame of gaslighting behavior is to dominate and have power over others. This is accomplished through spreading misinformation and doubt by denying that certain events occurred, as well as that certain things were said or done. Gaslighters force their targets to question their thoughts, memories, and everything that has happened around them.
Gaslighters can either be individuals or groups. They are very often narcissists, possess an overinflated sense of self-importance, and expect special consideration at all times. Gaslighters over-exaggerate their achievements and react to criticism with anger, at the same time that they are highly critical of others. They also use others for their own personal gain and do their best to keep others down, as they are very jealous personalities. Expert button-pushers, gaslighters hone in on the sensitivities and vulnerabilities of others, using these sensitive points as weapons to trivialize others’ feelings, emotions, and reactions.
Because of its innate insidious nature, victims of gaslighting often don’t recognize that they are being manipulated. This, in turn, enables the manipulation to continue and stealthily keep ramping up until the victim questions what is real and ultimately, questions their own sanity.
In a 2017 Psychology Today article , Professor of Communication Studies and author, Preston Ni, lists the seven stages of gaslighting.
1. Lie and Exaggerate: The gaslighter creates a repetitive, negative narrative based on generalized false accusations that “there is something wrong with you” and “you’re inadequate.”
2. Repetition: The false statements are repeated over and over to gain control, establish an offensive stance, and achieve total domination over the hapless victim.
3. Escalate When Challenged: If the victim stands up for himself, or provides evidence proving that his reality is not what the gaslighter says, conflict ensues. Gaslighters refute viable proof with denial, finger-pointing, deflection, and even more fact-twisting. Since the abuser must always be right, he or she will do whatever is necessary to coerce the victim to admit.
4. Wear Down the Victim: Bymaintaining an offensive position of control, gaslighters wear down their victims mentally and emotionally. The victims start to become discouraged, resigned, and begin to question themselves.
5. Codependent Relationships Formed: The consistent use of fear, vulnerability, and marginalization eventually cause the victim to form a codependent attachment to his or her abuser. At this point, the gaslighter holds all of the power to grant the victim what they most desire — approval, acceptance, respect, security,and safety.
6. Offer False Hope: As a calculated tactic to reassert control, the gaslighter will often offer a fake olive branch, occasionally treating the victim with kindness. Result: the victim then often lets his or her guard down, in the hope that “things are getting better.” Just around the corner, though, is the next attack by the gaslighter, which further deepens the codependency.
7. Dominate and Control: The gaslighter’s ultimate goal is the exploitation of others for personal power, which is achieved through the gaslighter’s constant, unrelenting state of fear, insecurity, and self-doubt. On the other hand, the victim’s reality is consistently overwritten, erased, canceled out.
With gaslighting, there are no outward physical signs of abuse, but there are indicators. In his 2007 book, “The Gaslight Effect: How to Spot and Survive the Hidden Manipulation Others Use to Control Your Life,” prominent therapist Robert Stern, PhD, offers this list as signs you could be experiencing gaslighting.
· Feeling like everything you do is wrong
· Believing that when things do go awry, it is always your fault
· Apologizing frequently
· Questioning whether your response to your partner (coworker, friend, family member) was appropriate,
or if you reacted unreasonably
· Feeling heightened anxiety and isolation
· Wondering if you are overly sensitive
· Finding yourself having a more difficult time making decisions
· Feeling hopeless
· No longer enjoying activities you used to appreciate
· Making excuses for your partner’s behavior
· Generally feeling you are no longer the competent, vibrant person you once were
If escaping the gaslighter isn’t an option, here are tips to help combat their manipulation:
- Understand that a gaslighter will never change — those moments of false hope are just that.
- Recognize that a gaslighter will NEVER see your point of view, so don’t bother trying to convince him. Remain steadfast in what you know to be true.
- Be aware when you are dealing with a narcissist, as they tend to employ the gaslighting tactic.
- When you are no longer emotional, log your encounters with the gaslighter, to help you understand what really happened and to help you adhere to your own reality.
Being aware that you are being victimized is the first step. Seeking professional help is vital, especially for those experiencing an extreme case of gaslighting. You will need guidance to fully comprehend your situation, as well as learning how to successfully regain your sense of self-trust.
Make a commitment to yourself to “Let your light so shine!”
For those of us who are dealing with lesser forms of gaslighting, it is critical that we hold onto our sense of reality. Don’t easily discard what you know to be true just because someone attempts to bulldoze your reality out of existence and substitute theirs.
Gaslighting only works when we allow another person to manipulate us. It may seem scary or feel uncomfortable to resist, especially when the gaslighter is a powerful authority figure, someone you idolize or are afraid to lose. But when we hold fast to our sense of self and stand up for what we know is true, we ensure that our memories, reality, and perception isn’t dimmed by another person.
Originally published at http://www.pam-evans.com on May 26, 2020.
