Relationships
Healing Emotional Trauma
What I learned from my failed relationship
At times life brings to us such situations which we use to create suffering and then we term those situations as negative. ‘Negative’ and ‘positive’ are two polarities of the mind. It is the mind which judges something as negative or positive. But in reality, everything is just for the higher good. Even though something seems ‘bad’ at that moment, it has concealed in it seeds of a higher good which we only get to understand with time. Different people will face different situations since everyone has their own learning to do to become what they ought to be.
I remember my first relationship, in my early twenties. Growing up, seeing my parents always lock horns, I always had this idea I was attached to in my mind of a ‘perfect relationship’ I would be in when I ‘grow up’. When that first relationship actually happened, I became very heavily invested in it emotionally. At times, reality and what is inside our heads are completely different. In regards to our relationship, we weren’t on the same page. At the end of that, I felt cheated, disrespected, with my self-esteem at an all-time low, felt like I wasted all the thought energy, and time invested in it. I created a lot of suffering and felt depressed and out of ignorance, blamed it on her! That suffering I created was so deep that I didn’t even think of being in a relationship or even dating someone for years after that. I had equated relationships with suffering.
Any event which leaves a deep emotional footprint of pain and distress is trauma. This trauma when held onto doesn’t allow us to feel our full range of emotions and experiences. It acts like bondage inside of us which we need to release. No matter how big or small trauma is, it is an energy that will be an obstacle to experience life fully.
How do I see that event now?
With time as I started to know myself and the working of the mind, I realized it was not her fault at all!
If it was ‘I’ who went in deep and was so emotionally invested in that relationship, that was my choice! She didn’t ask me to! It was my own thoughts that got me so emotionally attached to her. She simply did what she thought is right for her. We all act in accordance with what we think is ‘right for me’ in our capacity. Each individual has a right to live life the way they want and does what brings them joy. Whether that gives them happiness or not, in the long run, is a different argument, but they still have a right to choose.
I realized, deep inside I subconsciously thought I owned her — She is ‘mine’! She has to act in accordance with what ‘I’ think is ‘right’. Well, hello! nothing and no one is yours or mine. Even the body we reside in we will leave it behind one day. We need to accept people as they are and love will flow. We can’t hold onto it. If she had love for me, that was a gift life presented me with, I should have accepted it with gratitude, and one day if she doesn’t share the same feelings, that too has to be accepted. Love flows, life flows, we can’t hold onto anything. A flower that has bloomed in the morning will wither away in the evening. In life, nothing can’t be stagnant. Non-living things can remain stagnant, not us.
I realized that the trauma I felt was not because of something she did but caused due to my constant repetition of certain patterns of thoughts based on my perception of whatever transpired ‘out there’. My trauma was self-created. I paved the path for my own suffering; most of us usually do that. Whatever transpired out there, only happened once. But I kept on replaying that in my mind, again and again, revisiting those scenes of the past.
It was much later, retrospecting, I realized what happened did indeed happen for the higher good. If I wasn’t so miserable, I wouldn’t have experimented with spirituality and I would have missed out on the most beautiful learnings and experiences ever had in life. Meditation is allowing me to know me, I, truly as I am(still learning) and this is how writing happened. Trust me, I had never written jack my entire life. But as I went within, I started penning down my understanding of things and my experiences and now I am loving this process! I started appreciating the beauty all around me: in people, nature, all seem beautiful now. All of this may not have happened if I didn’t feel that miserable then.
What did I learn?
I learned how to forgive, I learned how to love without wanting, I learned (still learning) how to heal myself, I learned how we lose ourselves into others and then blame them when we create hurt. I learned how important it is to communicate well, which I didn’t before; anger and irritation used to get piled up in me and then suddenly used to burst out on some trigger. I learned that every individual is unique and acceptance is the only way. I learned I am responsible for how I feel. I learned how important it is to be grateful and celebrate the strengths and virtues of others instead of focussing on their shortcomings and weaknesses. I became more compassionate. I learned none can hurt me if I don’t create hurt. I create it with my own thoughts and those predominant thoughts make me attached. I learned that I create my own experiences but out of ignorance project onto others. Someone can give you pain, but none can give you suffering. It is our own creation. (I shall share more elaborating on each and more of these learnings in the next posts.)
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
Haruki Murakami
I am deeply grateful for that person in my life. I learned so much from that episode. Life took a turn that I never thought it would take. I am grateful for her embrace when times were ‘good’ and also for whatever transpired when times were ‘bad’. Those episodes worked out in my favor eventually, with me learning so much about self and relationships, and it has worked out for her too. She met someone after we parted.
I am aware, people go through a lot more in life, but no matter whatever has happened, it is only in our benefit that we release it from inside of us. Not allowing that one event or series of events jeopardize our whole life. I am trying to say this as emphatically as possible, as I say it to myself, we ought to let go. Acceptance is key. We need to work on releasing those energies that are within us and to be free. In most cases, like mine, the trauma would be self-created.
How do we go about healing ourselves of this?
There are multiple ways we can approach this to heal ourselves. There are different natural healing modalities, a few of which I have been experimenting with. I will share a few of them and my experience with it, if you looking for any healing, then you will have to experiment and see what works for you. It is important to be aware of the fact that you need healing in the first place. Once that awareness is there, the process has already started. I will share further on this in part II.
Thank you for stopping by. If you enjoyed this, explore few of my other poems / articles.
