How Divorce is Like Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
I’ve been divorced for two weeks, and the battle wounds are not healed yet, and there are many many loose ends to sort out, but the relief of having the battle over is surreal.
Even more surreal is accepting my new title of divorcee…
“Hello Darling, I am a ‘divorcee’!” (extend hand for kissing)
Actually, I don’t know if I like this new title.
I mean, it does sound kind of fabulous, glamorous, and slightly scandalous, like I should be strutting the world in a big hat with feathers like any self-respecting divorcee.
But on the other hand, it sounds sad, like I’ve survived some terrible battle and been changed forever, which is true too.
Sigh.
I’d rather not be called “Marci the Divorcee.”
If you must call me that, at least call me “Marci the Darling Divorcee.”
Yes that’s better.
But if I could choose any title this morning, I would choose to be called “Lady Scrumptious.”
Where did I come up with such an adorable name you ask?
I’m not sure, but I believe I picked it up from the epic film, Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
The main character is named Truly Scumptious and her father is Lord Scrumptious. Really. Now if those aren’t the best character names on the planet, I don’t know what is. Except a close second is another character from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, the eccentric inventor: Caractacus Pott, a wonderful play on words because it can be shortened to crackpot, which I love, because never a day goes by when I don’t feel like a crackpot.
But crackpot doesn’t evoke the same delightful images as Lady Scrumptious, which makes me think of cream puffs and everything delicious, while crackpot makes me think of a messy-haired wild inventor creating new magical things… and truly I am both.
And how’s this for an epic soup of creativity? The screenplay for the film was co-written by Roald Dahl, based on a book by Ian Fleming called Chitty Chitty Bang Bang: The Magical Car.
Really.
So I wouldn’t be out of line to sip a martini while wearing a terrycloth playsuit ala Sean Connery in James Bond, on my way to the chocolate factory? I’m in!
Darlings, as I looked further into Chitty Chitty Bang Bang for this article I couldn’t believe the sychronicity!
Listen to this:
In the film, there are two characters, Baron and Baroness Bomburst, who hate children and employ a “childcatcher” to capture and imprison children. The townspeople must hide their children in a grotto in order to keep them alive.
Sounds like the divorce process, right? It is the ultimate “childcatcher,” trying to destroy our innocence, our inner children, and our actual children!
Divorce relentlessly pounds the fun and wonder and beauty out of everyone involved and leaves a broken painful mess in its wake.
So when it comes to divorce, flying cars are very handy.
I mean, which of us hasn’t dreamed of owning a flying car, especially when sitting in traffic, or divorce court?
I highly recommend that when things get rough, close your eyes and call your imaginary flying car to pick you and your children up and take you all somewhere wonderful.
And OMG, if you read the list of songs in the musical version of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, it’s a veritable guide to the divorce experience:
“You Two” — You meet your future ex.
“Toot Sweets” — Courtship.
“Think Vulgar” — You find out he has been lying all along.
“Act English” — Stiff upper lip and all that, in order to keep your family together.
“Hushabye Mountain” — If you don’t speak your truth, marriage goes really well.
“Come to the Funfair” — Things aren’t what they appear.
“Me Ol’ Bamboo” — Use a bamboo walking stick to help your marriage limp along.
“Posh!” — Retail therapy is always helpful.
“Chitty Chitty Bang Bang” — Call in the flying car to take your mind away when things get tough.
“Truly Scumptious” — Time to speak your truth — which feels delicious.
“Vulgarian National Anthem” — A last ditch attempt to keep you in the marriage to completely snuff out your magic, for example when he says, “Even if there’s a 1% chance we can stay together, we owe it to the kids to try!” To which I say, you should have thought of that BEFORE you lied and cheated.
“The Roses of Success” — You stand in your magic — aka truth and integrity and kick him out.
“Chu Chi Face” — This is the song description — no kidding: The Baron and Baronness hate children, and as the couple profess their love for one another, the Baron is simultaneously trying to kill his wife through equally barbaric means, yet his attempts always fail. Despite the obvious attempts on her life, the Baroness completely overlooks the fact that her husband wants her dead, even after he triggers an axe to fall on her head, a barbed spike to fall from the chandelier, and a trap door to open under her. The song is a humorous take on couples who maintain a façade of undying love, but have secretly grown to despise one another. My ex was DEFINITELY the murderous Baron.
“Doll on a Music Box” — Everyone knows dolls on music boxes are pretty but very rigid and they can’t go anywhere — destined to turn in circles in the same spot forever — a lot like a marriage built on lies… or the divorce process — turning in circles, never going anywhere.
“Chitty Flies Home” — When you finally realize the soul-sucking “child catching” nightmare that is the divorce process, you stop fighting, call in your flying car and get the heck out — let your ex have whatever — keep you children and your soul and take a leap of faith that you can care for them and support them on your own.
Voila! Incredible how similar Chitty Chitty Bang Bang is like divorce.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang We Love You!! (Chant with me now!)
RESCUED!! All the magical children in the flying car!
