How To Feel More At Home In Your (New) Town
Tips for growing stronger local roots and how to manage when you struggle.
As I devour my dutch “stroopwafel”, the caramel filled wafer cookie, I am taken right back to my childhood in The Netherlands. I’m back at the dining table in our old kitchen. I can “feel” the texture of the tablecloth while images flash before me of my sisters running down the wooden staircase bursting through the hallway door to claim their treat.
It’s amazing how eating certain foods can take you right back down memory lane, especially food from your childhood, from “back home.” It’s comforting for me to connect to my roots through food every now and then, and tasty too.
The other day I realized how lucky I was that I don’t feel homesick when I am reminded of my home country. I’m glad that after the initial challenges that I experienced, I feel that I belong where I live: in Southern California, San Diego to be more specific.
I moved to California at the age of 26 when I married my American husband, twenty-two years ago. Looking back, I definitely remember feeling lost at times, feeling like I didn’t fit in or belong.
There was so much to learn about my new country with its different customs. Not to mention expanding my limited English skills, while also learning the differences between British English and American English. At school I was taught, what I call “BBC English.” I definitely dropped the word “mustn’t” quickly and learned that nobody had a clue about certain British words such as “a fortnight” which means “two weeks.”
I remember being exhausted at the end of the day during the first few weeks from having to speak English all day long and from paying attention to how things were done differently. One of the things I remember is that there are different rules for tipping people in the service industry. And, that you will not be offered tea and cookies in the afternoon while visiting someone. A cold beverage is more like it.
The other day I talked to someone who moved from The Netherlands to the U.S. about fifteen years ago. She mentioned how she still struggles to feel at home after all those years.
She told me how bittersweet it is when she travels back to her home country. Her high expectations of returning home, of walking the streets, of tasting the local food and seeing her family and friends again, turn into disappointments.
After a day or so of visiting, she cannot deny the feeling that she no longer fits in with the culture. She knows that she has changed and can’t identify enough anymore with her home country’s way of life. That’s when she longs to go back to the U.S. even though she knows she’s not fully rooted there either. She feels as though she’s caught between two countries, not truly belonging to either one.
This conversation made me think about what it is that truly makes me feel at home where I live.
I realized that it’s other people that make me feel that I belong.
Over the years I have gotten to know many people in the area that I live in. I realize how nice it is to see a familiar face when I do groceries, or how nice it is to know the neighbor who’s getting the mail at the mailboxes. It’s even nicer to know who I can call when I’ve run out of eggs for my cake batter.
Feeling isolated makes it harder to feel anchored where we live. It’s the feeling that we belong that helps us feel at home, and other people can play a big role in this.
I know now how lucky I had been that my husband had a big circle of friends and came from a large family, most of whom lived locally. His neighbors were also very nice and made me feel welcome.
It did take me several years to establish true friendships of my own. It took time to find my way and navigate my new world. Once I had kids, it was easier to make new connections through the other moms.
Social connections are important for feeling at home somewhere, but even when we have those, we can still struggle. Other factors, such as differences in culture, language and climate, can contribute to this challenge.
If you struggle with feeling at home in your current town, you could try these things to see if they help you feel a bit more rooted.
Dealing with isolation
Isolation is one of the biggest challenges to deal with in the beginning. That’s why it’s so important to try to make some connections with locals quickly.
1. Get to know your neighbors
Make an effort to introduce yourself and get to know them. In Dutch we have a saying that means that it’s more important to have a good neighbor than a dear friend far away.
2. Volunteer
Volunteering at a local organization or club is a great way to expand your network while feeling good about making a positive difference. The internet should have lots of resources.
3. Join a club
Research local clubs such as book clubs, sports clubs or a club related to your hobby or interest to help you connect to more people.
4. Find people from your native country
There’s a good chance there are people in your area who come from your home country or native area. Use social media and the internet to look into this. I’m amazed at how many Dutch people are in my area. It’s fun to talk to them about cultural differences and share food from my home country and speak Dutch.
5. Explore Your Area
Familiarizing yourself with the area you live in should help you feel more at home. Find activities to do and sights to see in your community. Be a tourist in your own town.
The Importance Of Self-Care
Self-care is important for anyone, but it is essential when you struggle with feelings of homesickness or not feeling you really belong in one place. Below are a few things you can try to help manage your challenges.
1. Be kind to yourself
Don’t compare yourself with others who seem to have adjusted more easily. We’re all on our own journey. Don’t beat yourself up over this.
2. Make a list of things that you enjoy
Anywhere from cooking, walking, exercising, reading, watching your favorite show or movie, or creating art. Our mood gets lifted when we do activities that we enjoy. Try to do something for yourself regularly.
3. Journal
Keeping a journal to write about our inner world helps us process our emotions and clarify our thoughts. This helps with releasing some of our worries and frustrations, leaving us more clearheaded.
4. Meditate
Meditation helps us calm our nervous system and therefore reduces negative emotions. There are different ways to meditate and there are many apps available to help you find your favorite way to enter a sense of peace. Feeling grounded in yourself can help you feel more at ease.
5. Practice gratitude
Listing things that we are grateful for helps us train our brain to look for the positives in our world. A great time to come up with things that we are grateful for is right before we fall asleep or upon waking. Coming up with new things to be grateful for each day, increases our ability to notice when good things cross our path. This practice helps us lift our mood.
I practice all five of them regularly. Because even though I feel at home where I live, I still have days when I feel out of sorts, almost “homesick” but not related to where I live. It’s related to not feeling grounded in myself, not feeling at peace with myself. That’s when I know it’s time for some serious self-care to get back to some inner peace, trust and confidence.
I’d love to hear your story of how you settled into your new town or country. Do you feel at home? Are you still not settled after many years? How do you cope? What has worked well for you? What is your greatest struggle?
Leave a comment or email me.
May you feel at peace, wherever you are.
