In the Chronic Cave: How to Prepare for Flares

View out from dark ocean cave with rocks and choppy water. Photo by Tim Oldenkamp on Unsplash

Nothing about chronic illness means consistent or constant. While diagnosis may persist for life and treatment may require a consistent amount of effort, the degree of suffering on any given day is like a yo-yo — constantly up and down.

In preparing for potential emergencies, it’s common to carry a flare. For carrying chronic conditions, we need to prepare for our flares in a much different way. And it starts with building your cave.

Befriending the Chronic Cave

The sick days have carved out a cave in me — a deep, hidden place along the coast of a turbulent sea. I can only tell I’m returning by the fade of color, the brassiness of sound, the dimming of thoughts.

For me, warning bells include certain kinds of pain, increasing dizziness, and silent disconnection. These are my torches lighting a mental sign: push no further. For all that’s left on those days, or hours, is being itself. I let myself drift.

My will alone exists. And with its power, I remember that my existence matters, even if there is no proof of my having passed the time. Instead of judging, regretting, lamenting, I envision myself floating towards and inner beach and starting a warming fire with my flare.