Learning To Say “No”.
A valuable gift to survivors
How often do we find ourselves in situations whereby we feel uncomfortable, yet cannot bring ourselves to actually do something to end the discomfort? For abuse survivors, the answer is probably “quite often”. We don’t like confrontation, we want to keep the peace, we don’t want to upset the other person, we feel a little shy or embarrassed, we convince ourselves we are over-reacting…so many similar reasons for not expressing how we feel.
Situations that call for a simple “no”, or an interruption to express dissatisfaction with what’s happening, can be a huge ordeal for someone who has been a “people-pleaser” for a long time. I remember hearing a phrase at some point in my life that goes something like “if you lie down for long enough, people will start to walk over you” and it makes sense. We show people how to treat us by how we treat ourselves. If certain people see us as a doormat, then of course, they’ll feel it’s ok to wipe their feet on us.
It really is a struggle for those who have been taught all their lives that it’s pointless having boundaries, because they will be ignored regardless. But this is what only happens when dealing with someone who is abusive or manipulative. These people don’t accept no for an answer and will always try to push our boundaries further and further, by whatever means possible until we concede. So to discover that, actually, we have permission to say “no” and the right for others to take this as a given, is new territory. “NO! Final answer!” It can be strange to start using this, but empowering at the same time. If we really think about it, we may find that a lot of our most uncomfortable situations (aside from those with an abusive person, which is a whole other ball-game!) could have ended a lot sooner, had we asserted ourselves with a simple “no” and shut things down earlier.
Have you ever gone to a party and at some point felt “I really don’t want to be here?”, yet you stay because you feel obliged to? Have you ever had someone invite themselves over to your house, when you’ve already said you’re busy, but they turn up anyway, so you proceed to open the wine, or stick on the kettle and put aside your original plans? Or have a family member plead incessantly with you to do something you really don’t want to, to the point you feel it’s easier just to give in? What if you actually stood your ground and had said a firm “NO!” in the beginning and followed through? Think of the time and energy saved. Think of the “feel-good” factor in making a decision and knowing it’s the right one for you, not to have it questioned, or ignored, by someone else.
A few key points I’ve learned about saying “No”:
— “No” is a full answer in itself and doesn’t require a follow-on explanation.
— Other people shouldn’t make us feel bad for saying no, nor should they demand a reason why.
— If a person doesn’t accept our “no” answer and continues with the behaviour, or tries to persuade us to change our minds, then we should immediately question their motive.
— We should be mindful of those who regularly refuse to accept “no” for an answer and recognise this as a red flag.
— There are polite, but assertive ways of saying “No” which don’t have to sound rude or aggressive.
— A “no” can be implied by showing or expressing our discomfort in a situation. “I’m not comfortable with this” is a polite “no”, for example. Or “I/you’ll have to leave now”.
— The more we practice saying “no”, the easier it becomes.
— Saying “no” is a clear way of asserting ourselves and letting others know our boundaries.
— Using hindsight as a learning tool, i.e. reflecting on uncomfortable situations and thinking about how we could have shut them down sooner with an interjection of “no”, is invaluable and should be practiced regularly.
— Saying “no” early on can save us a lot of wasted time and energy.
— In spite of the obvious negative association, a “no” can be a really positive thing and should become part of our everyday vocabulary.
On a final note, you are still a beautiful, kind and loving person, even when you begin to say “no” to others more regularly. Asserting boundaries is a positive thing that tells others how you expect to be treated and it will allow you to remain true to who you are. Those who accept your boundaries show that they respect you, and will become your greatest allies, your “tribe”. Those who cannot accept your boundaries, display a lack of respect for you and should make you question their motives.
Thanks for reading.
