Men: How to find the winning balance in being alone while living with other people
This article proposes a balance for young men to know when to be alone (congregating with the self) to figure things out. Or when to be involved with others to exercise their capacity for handling responsibility. I believe failure to find this balance is why young men today fail to assert themselves and sink into depression or suicide.
The common problem most young men face is conforming to the rules made by the people they live with. Men, by nature, are disagreeable creatures with a natural need to assert themselves, but that seems like it can’t happen when they get to play by someone else’s rules.
You find yourself with two contrasting philosophies in such a situation as a man. The first one says you should isolate, walk away and find a little island where you can shape yourself independently.
In contrast, the second philosophy forces you to go against your nature. It encourages you to get heavily involved with people and learn. Yet, this makes you powerless as you should concede so much of who you are to fit in.
The solution to this problem is simple: find a balance, know when to isolate, and when you should involve other people in your life.
The ideal form of isolation
Being alone in your day’s first and last hours would be best.
There is too much psychological research into why you should be alone 10–30 minutes before sleeping to plan your day. And at least 10–30 minutes early before you meet the world. Think of this as a personal calibration routine.
I won’t dwell much on this, but technically speaking, you should be okay and have a productive day and successfully manoeuvre around people if you only prepare for it.
TRY THIS BEFORE ISOLATING
Whenever you feel the urge to cut people off, ask yourself, “Am I doing this because I am too proud to socialise and accommodate other people, or do I need time alone to figure some stuff out?”
In other words, you have to figure out if you are trying to revolutionise your life or are just full of shit. The answer is usually one you might not like, but it’s necessary to understand what’s truly at stake.
If you isolate yourself from your ego, you will head down a path of frustration. Your ambitions and plans will go nowhere because, one way or another, you must learn to humble yourself to get what you want. On the other hand, mistakenly choosing to get too social will get you running errands for other people and getting nowhere on your own goals.
The flip side is that everything works out in your favour, and you get what you want. But this all depends on timing and many other factors. In other words, it’s gambling; you need a system.
BEING ALONE AT THE PIVOT.
“Be careful who you share the good news with. Be careful who you share bad news with.” — Jordan B Peterson.
As a young man, before engaging other people, you should first be alone when making a huge, possibly life-changing decision (The pivot). And above all, you should only share the details once you know how you feel about it.
In this case, being alone is more like meeting or congregating with yourself without interference from other people. The goal is to think things through about what you want and how the decision you are about to make helps you get it.
When you go for your moment of self-assembly, don’t be under the influence of alcohol, weed, nicotine, caffeine or any potent drug. It’s easy to mislead yourself that way.
Don’t be too emotional or angry, either. Ask questions and listen to what each voice in your head desires. How you arrange your desires is entirely up to you, but generally, pursue the wants that help you get to other things you want. And when you figure this part out, we move on to living with other people. (How to bring in the stakeholders in your life)
Living with other people: The key stakeholders
In this consideration, you should go beyond the people you share the same physical space with and focus on the ones who live in your head. These include your girlfriend, parents or guardians.
Parents and girlfriends, in particular, will tear you apart if you don’t know what you want — if you don’t calibrate your being by spending some strategic time alone. They will run you down if you can’t outline your choices convincingly. It may feel like they are getting offensive, but they don’t have any other option if you, as a man, don’t quite know what you want. This may be unfair, but it is what it is.
The moment you spend alone isn’t just for figuring out what you want but also anticipating objections made by the stakeholders in your life. Failure to do so will make you powerless.
Being a man makes you a tactical creature; you must anticipate and dispatch. Thus when you seek advice, you have to expect to receive different points of view. Listen to evaluate, not to justify yourself.
On the last note:
Summary.
- Have some time alone to talk to yourself and to meet other fractions of your personality which influence your decision-making. But remember that you are weaker when you are alone. You still need other people.
- Not every day will start or end perfectly, but try to give yourself a headstart in the morning and take stock of yourself alone before you sleep.
- Don’t take the rules set by other people personally. Following the rules doesn’t necessarily weaken you, but it can give you power over a person who judges you based on your compliance.
Till next time.
