Struggling With Forgiveness And Acceptance?
Try this new approach. It helps me every time.
The holiday season is upon us. This means spending time with family, even though it probably looks a bit different this year while we continue to battle COVID-19. Still, we’ll likely interface with extended family somehow, be it through Zoom, Facetime, or social distancing at home.
For many people this season stirs up mixed emotions. On the one hand, we’re excited to reconnect with some family members, but on the other hand, we might dread having to face a specific person in our circle.
A friend of mine reminded me of this as she struggles with someone in her family whose life choices aren’t in line with hers and who has hurt her in the past with their behavior. Regardless of the negative associations, my friend tries to be accepting and withhold judgment, but it’s still difficult for her. She even practices forgiveness and prays for the person’s wellbeing. Still, acceptance without negative emotions was a hard place to get to and she felt guilty about it.
As I listened to her, I sensed she truly wanted to find a way to look beyond this person’s perceived shortcomings and let go of negative feelings.
That’s when I was reminded of a life-changing awakening that happened to me in early 2016. It was an extraordinary experience that I write about in my upcoming book Inner Compass Mom.
For several days I was in a higher state of consciousness and was connected to what I describe as Source, the Divine, or God. This remarkable state of wholeness and completeness not only made me feel unconditionally loved but also made me feel completely accepted and forgiven for anything I had ever felt badly about.
The new insights about forgiveness and acceptance that I gained during that time help me greatly with letting go of judgment. There are three aspects to these topics that I’d like to explain.
First, my perspective was much bigger than it normally was. Instead of being preoccupied with life’s little worries, I had an overview of my life, as though I was suspended above it. This expanded perspective made me aware that we will never know all the stories and histories of other people’s lives and how those affected them. Therefore we cannot judge others. There is so much that we are unaware of, in ourselves and in others. We can only ever see or know part of someone’s story, but never their whole story.
Second, I was shown that the world we live in is a world of contrast — of duality. That is the best way for us to learn: through contrasts. We live in an imperfect world as imperfect people. We have to accept the fact that we are all flawed. It’s the only way we learn and grow. Mistakes have to be part of our growth and therefore, our humanness.
Lastly, all of us are on a path of growth and personal evolution. When we come to understand that there is no end to this process, that we never get there, then we are finally ready to meet the other person exactly where they are on their journey and not where we think they should be.
After I explained this to my friend, I told her that I sum it up like this:
When I fall into judgement, I simply think “ok, so this is where you are on your journey, just like I am somewhere on my journey. I don’t have to take anything personally.”
When you do this, it will likely do three things for you:
- You respect the individual, without your need to change their behavior.
- You remain in your own center, without losing yourself in emotions such as anger or disappointment. You don’t take it personally.
- You become more aware of your own journey and will likely have more forgiveness and acceptance towards yourself.
A few days after my friend and I had this conversation, she told me it helped her. She feels more compassion and acceptance towards that family member and doesn’t feel as hurt or angry anymore.
I use this approach all the time when I fall into judgement. How does it work for you?
Wishing you peace this holiday season.
Danielle
