Naming the Abuse
It’s difficult when it’s not always physical
Intimate relationships are messy at the best of times. Even when things seem to be going well, we can all have our “off” days where we lose our tempers. We may snap at our partners, or make a mean comment that may be completely unjustified. Or perhaps, there was an element of truth to the unkind words and we simply choose the wrong way to communicate this. Either way, it stems from something deeper and the majority of us, for the most part, will apologize, or at least try to communicate with our partners to find neutral ground and get the relationship back on track. We work towards a common goal.
That’s normal human behaviour. We all have moments we are not proud of. We all lose our tempers every now and then, and lash out at those close to us. Our intentions aren’t bad, even though our behaviour might be less than desirable at the time. The distinguishing factor here is that we are remorseful afterwards, so we apologize for our part and try not to repeat the behaviour again.
An abusive person doesn’t hold the same good intentions at the heart of their bad behaviour. Their intention is to control another person. The remorse is also not felt in the same way. Remorse to an abuser is not a feeling of regret that they have caused harm in some way to another person, but more a regret that they had to resort to such means to keep us under control and have their way. It feels bad. But not for the other person at the receiving end, but for themselves. It comes from a selfish place, rather than a place of empathy.
Recognizing the intention behind the “remorse” or apologies from an abuser can be difficult, because on surface level, they may appear to regret their behaviour, as most people do. Yet, it’s only over time that we can start to see a pattern of bad behaviour, followed by a period of what appears to be remorse, but then followed by a further period of more bad behaviour. Abuse happens in cycles.
Sorry is only a true sorry when it is followed by an attempted change in behaviour. In an abusive relationship, the pattern of bad behaviour continues, even after apologies and promises of change have been given. If anything, the behaviour will worsen over time, as our abusers strive to regain control. The underlying belief with abusers is that they are entitled to control us and we have no right to question that control. They believe that they are well within their rights to lash out at us should we step out of line with these beliefs. They view their beliefs as facts.
They may never have to raise a hand to us to maintain that control. Psychological manipulation or verbal/emotional aggression can be just as detrimental (or even more so) to us, as a physical beating. A glare, a look, the cold shoulder, shouting at us, demeaning us in front of others, even in a “jokey” way, making suggestive remarks that make us feel bad, denying something happened when we know (or have proof) it clearly did…these are just some of the ways they can de-stabilize us, diminish our self-esteem, or instil fear over time. Blocking our exit, threatening to break down doors if we don’t open them, roaring in our faces; not exactly a physical beating with evidential marks or bruising, but certainly all physically intimidating. And all serve the purpose of instilling fear or anxiety.
We can assess whether our situation is actually abusive by asking some of the following questions:
Are you (or external factors) being blamed consistently for another person’s bad behaviour?
Do they repeat the bad behaviour, even after apologizing?
How does their behaviour make you feel? Focus on the actions, rather than the words.
Are you always comfortable with this person, or more often walking on eggshells around them?
Do they make a lot of broken promises? Do they make threats to hurt you/your children/your pets/themselves?
Do you behave differently around this person? Do they behave differently around others than they do around you?
Do you excuse or minimize their bad behaviour to yourself or to others?
Are you worried about confronting them over their behaviour?
Do you question your sanity around this person? Do they call you crazy/mad/psycho/depressed regularly and tell others this about you also? Have you considered this person may be “gas-lighting” you on purpose?
Are you more forgetful, anxious, or paranoid when around this person?
Are you prevented from having access to money, or from working, by this person?
Think about your autonomy over your own body. Does this person make you do things you are uncomfortable with? Do they get angry if you say no? Do they refuse to use, or allow you to use contraception? Do they force you to have a baby, or have an abortion? Do they prevent you from accessing appropriate healthcare?
Are you sleep-deprived? Are you forced to carry out most/all of the domestic chores and/or childcare, with little/no time to relax or socialize? Is it an unequal distribution of workload in your partner’s favour?
Do you have difficulty making even the simplest decision without deferring to your partner?
Do you feel isolated? Does your partner discourage you from going out, or having friends or family over? Does your partner embarrass you in front of them when they do call over? Have your family or friends stopped calling or coming to see you? Is your partner your main/only source of companionship?
The answers to these questions can help you decide if the relationship may be an abusive one, or at least if it is very much one-sided and having a negative impact on your mental health, which long-term, is not good for anyone.
Keeping a diary is a great way to protect yourself and keep you in touch with reality. Write about what happened, what was said and how it made you feel. This is a great way to help see things clearly. You may look back on your notes and start to recognize a pattern of abusive behaviour, but it also gives you a reference point, if someone is trying to make you feel like you imagined something or are going crazy — your notes are proof that you are not! Stay safe x
