Nine Truths Of Long Distance
Long distance relationships are hard. That’s pretty much all you hear about them — they’re hard.
There are posts on “How to Make Long Distance Easy” and “15 Good Things About Long Distance.” This is not one of those articles. They have tips like Netflix watch parties, scheduled Facetimes, bond touch bracelets, and spontaneous trips. These are great tips and can be fun, but they don’t always apply. No matter what you do, being in a successful long distance relationship will be difficult.
Of course, there are tiers — if you’re in different countries or multiple time zones apart, that is another level of complexity. If you are within driving distance on the weekends, that’s a bit easier. If you are over a thousand miles away but in similar time zones (me), it’s somewhere in the middle. But they’re all hard, whether you can see each other twice a month or not.
Sometimes, it feels like “hard” is all there is to the relationship. You are limited in communication because of distance (and sometimes time zones). You can’t get together and snuggle after a long day. A “date” usually means a more intentional Facetime. You miss out on so much of their day. You lead separate lives. It’s sad, and it’s hard.
I’m here to tell you that that’s true. My LDR is hard. But it’s hard precisely because it’s so good. We have excellent communication, we have fun together, we love each other. But he’s far away. It’s a great relationship, and I want to see it play out in person. But it’s good.
Sometimes, I feel like I’ve done my time. I’ve been lonely. I’ve been single. I’ve had a bad relationship, and I’ve tried the dating game. I finally found a relationship better than I could have imagined, and I STILL can’t hold his hand.
These truths of long distance relationships are not rules. They won’t make the distance in your relationship easier. Nothing can make it easier, and I’m not trying to say that if you follow these, it’ll be a breeze and you’ll stop missing your partner every minute of the day. I’m saying that these are truths to remind yourself of when you’re feeling especially down.
These are less rules than they are reminders of what your LDR is. These are the baselines necessary to make a relationship work and thrive long distance. If you read through this and think, “that’s not my relationship,” it might be a good idea to rethink it. Remember that sometimes the most successful relationship is the one that ends. If it’s supposed to end, it will be clear to you.
These truths make distance bearable and help you not to wallow in the sadness. You will have to force yourself to believe them some days. You will have to acknowledge your feelings while not giving them control. You will have to remember that there’s a reason you’re doing this, and it’s not to be miserable.
Also (in case it isn’t clear), these are also things that I consistently struggle with and need to remind myself.
Truth: It’s Hard Because It’s Good
Long distance relationships are painful because you are far away from the person you love. And while it’s profoundly annoying when someone says, “At least you have someone!” it’s also true. You do have someone, even if they are unbearably far away.
When you’re sad, it’s easy to focus on the distance. Honestly, it’s also easy when you’re happy, confused, tired, or peaceful. Your person isn’t there for any of that, and it can make even the most joyful moments a little bittersweet. But would you give it up? Even if you had to do distance for longer?
Remember that being far away is hard because your relationship is good. The distance makes it hard, but the relationship makes it doable. You don’t want to miss out on their life because it is worth being there for.
Now, if your relationship is struggling, that’s okay too. It makes it more complex and maybe increases the necessity of ending distance soon, but it can be normal. Many couples struggle with long distance and are fine when they’re near each other. Either way, don’t let the struggle become the whole relationship.
Truth: It’s Trust or Nothing
If you can’t trust your partner long distance, you won’t be able to trust them when you’re together.
I mean this in two ways. If you are struggling to trust their love for you without any evidence to the contrary, that’s an issue with you. It’s okay to feel that way (past trauma is real), but you have to choose to trust. They are not the person who hurt you in the past.
If you genuinely think you can’t trust your significant and can find valid reasons, don’t blame that on distance. Think hard about your relationship — untrustworthy behavior won’t stop when you’re close to each other. You have to trust them, or you don’t have a relationship.
It’s hard sometimes. We all have pasts, and knowing your partner’s history can sometimes freak you out a little. Your past can also affect it. I’ve also been cheated on in a past relationship — it’s a little scary to trust my boyfriend with my heart when I’m not there for months. I have to remember that my boyfriend now is NOT my ex. I have to actively choose to trust him regularly and remind myself of the reasons that he is trustworthy.
Trust or nothing. There’s no halfway.
Truth: Communication is not Optional
Always be honest.
Do you have issues talking about how you’re doing? Sometimes it’s because it’s hard to be vulnerable, but sometimes it’s just too easy to have a fun, quick conversation instead of chatting about how you’re doing.
I understand the feeling of having something serious to say but just not bringing it up while your partner is talking about something fun. It’s okay to schedule conversations about how you are doing/how the relationship is going. Also (and I say this because I’ve failed at this many times), don’t stop until you’ve said what you need to. If something is still bothering you and you haven’t said it, please voice it.
Ask for what you need. For the first two months of distance, my boyfriend and I talked a few nights a week. After a while, I realized I needed more — I have a lot of anxiety around relationships sometimes — and since then, we’ve been talking almost every night. He was happy to accommodate, and it’s the best part of our nights now.
It’s hard not being there on the bad days, but it’s even harder not knowing about the bad days. Tell your partner, and let them tell you. He’s been there when I need him, and I’ve been there for him, but we’ve had to tell each other what we need.
Remember that communication is not just important; it’s imperative. You can’t have a relationship, long distance or otherwise, without honest communication.
Truth: You have To Get Over Yourself Sometimes
Even when you know the relationship is good, you will be sad. It’s sad when you wake up alone. It’s sad when you see other couples holding hands. It’s extra painful when you’ve had a hard day, and all you want is their arms around you. It’s okay (and even a good thing) that it’s sad. Again, that means that you’re in an exciting and loving relationship.
It’s not okay to make it miserable.
I am so guilty of this. For a while, every Facetime call was me wishing he was here and not appreciating him being on the phone. I cried after we hung up every night for several months. One night, he said to me, “I don’t see the joy in this relationship. You bring me so much happiness, but all we talk about is how sad we are.”
Talk about a kick in the pants. That one hurt to hear.
I was sucking the joy by focusing on the sadness. I still do sometimes. But I have to get over myself sometimes and force myself to enjoy the moment. I am sad about being far away a lot of the time, but that doesn’t mean the relationship isn’t worth it.
I still tell him when I’m sad about being far away (not great to hide or suppress emotions, I’ve been told). I just make sure that I tell him it’s not about him. I allow myself to be sad, but I need to remind myself (and my boyfriend sometimes) of the joy and laughter in our relationship.
Truth: Space Is Okay
You can’t be mad if your partner isn’t always as sad about being far away. Some people have a beautiful gift of living in the moment. They invest in what they’re doing, where they are, and with whom they are doing it.
Meanwhile, you’re across the country sighing dramatically and wondering why they haven’t texted in the last two hours. They might need space, but it feels like a thousand miles or more is enough space. We’ve all been there. But sometimes, it’s not. Emotional freedom is necessary, too; let your partner have it.
First off: it’s okay to ask for help if you need it, even if they’re having a fun time. Secondly: it’s okay that they’re having a fun time, even if you’re not there.
Obviously, if they’re never sad and never miss you, that’s an issue. But neither of you has to be miserable all of the time. You can enjoy your life with them, and you can enjoy your life where you are now. Learn to live in your moment, and remember that someday most of your moments will happen together.
Truth: No Comparing Relationships
Your relationship is NOT anyone else’s. So stop comparing it. It’s hard to look at other people’s dating lives and not be a little jealous, especially if they get to hold their partner’s hands every day or are always near them.
This is a truth in a relationship of any distance (and in life in general). If you start looking at the “perfect” other couples — the constant social media posters, the regular flower and gift givers, the every-month visitors — you’re going to think your relationship is trash.
It’s not trash. It’s just not their relationship. You and your significant other will have issues, and you will have fights. You will also have beautiful moments and perfect memories. So will other relationships. You have to accept yours for what it is — distance and all — and enjoy the wild, complete, imperfect love of your partner.
Truth: No One Else Will Get It Until They Get It
People who haven’t been in long distance relationships just don’t get it. And that’s okay.
Those who don’t understand say silly things. They think it’s no big deal, they say it’ll end, they think you should be grateful you are dating in the first place. All of these things might be true, but they are not helpful when it’s been six weeks since you’ve hugged your partner.
My mom and dad did distance for three years (THREE YEARS) in the ’80s. They understand, and that is so kind. They know to show me a little extra love right after a goodbye and be excited for me before I see my boyfriend. Their understanding is extra helpful on the hard days.
Please don’t get mad at the people who don’t get it. Remember that they are lucky not to understand how hard it is and that they have issues (relationship or otherwise). Find some folks that get it and talk with them about it.
Truth: Distance Will End
If you’re in a long distance relationship, the question is always this: when will we be together again? When you get together, the dread at the back of your head is how soon you have to say goodbye. Every hello has a goodbye lurking behind it, and it can be easy to focus on that.
Even if you don’t know the answer, know that there is an answer. You will eventually be together, and someday you won’t even have to say goodbye again. Please take it in small doses, keep a countdown until the next time you see each other, and plan to end the distance. Whether it’s a month or a few years, it will end.
Truth: It Is Just How It Is
Let’s recap: your relationship is good. It is unique and beautiful. Your person is far away. You trust them, and they trust you. You communicate, and you express your feelings. They have a life, and you have a life. It is sad, but it is how it is.
Long distance is a hard, hard thing, and there’s no easy way through. But your partner is worth it, and your relationship will make it if it’s meant to. Remember that they are good, and your relationship is good. A day will come when you’ll be together, and I know you can make it to that day.
