No Thanks: How to Turn Down a Narcissist Who Just Wants to “Help”

Photo by J W on Unsplash

When you picture a “typical” narcissist, what do you see? Most likely it is a self-absorbed, conceited individual who ruthlessly tears down others to serve their own aims. While this presentation of narcissism is certainly prevalent, there is another variety to watch out for: the “pro-social” narcissist.

All narcissists share a drive to be admired by others, an exaggerated feeling of self-importance, an inability to understand the feelings of others, and difficulty forming healthy relationships. While the “typical” or anti-social narcissist appears excessively selfish to those who know them well, the pro-social narcissist derives the attention and admiration they crave through public acts of charity and helping others. Their interest is in receiving affirmations of the superficial, “perfect” image they project. A far cry from their counterparts who openly disparage others to establish superiority, pro-social narcissists may appear to be the kindest people you know. However — you should never let your guard down since any type of narcissist is likely to violate your boundaries, play fast and loose with the truth, invalidate your feelings, and manipulate you for their purposes.

It is crucial to be aware of the danger this person poses to your emotional well-being, and enforce firm boundaries in your dealings with them. A master manipulator will throw out every trick in the book to trap you within their control, and it can feel like a tightrope walk to break free. However, the key to managing a narcissist in your life is understanding their motivations and the reality behind their false front. Armed with the right tools, you can significantly limit the emotional damage a narcissist is able to inflict.

Rather than simply a clinical disorder, narcissism ought to be thought of as an adaptation — usually to a troubled childhood. Narcissists develop unhealthy strategies to cope with poor self-esteem in early life. They grow up to exhibit fluctuating self-esteem that is entirely dependent on the validation of others, as well as abnormally low empathy. The self-worth of a pro-social narcissist is based upon the praise and admiration they receive from others — and they won’t miss an opportunity to feel superior by making others beholden to them.

If you are struggling in a relationship with this type of narcissist, there is a fair chance that they have cultivated feelings of helplessness and inadequacy within you. You might find yourself relying on their assistance even as your intuition is telling you to create some distance and handle the matters yourself. This may look like a partner who always has a reason why you shouldn’t leave any areas of your life untouched by them, an overbearing parent who claims to have your best interests at heart, or a friend who is always there to lend a hand — even if you never asked. Since this type of narcissist can appear similar to a genuine (if over-enthusiastic) partner or friend, it is important to identify particular criteria that will clue you in to their true intentions:

1. Violating Boundaries — Narcissists enjoy breaking rules because it underscores how “special” they are. They will steamroll over any boundaries you set because they believe that they know better than you, and have little understanding of how you feel. Are you frequently uncomfortable in this relationship? Do your requests for changes in this person’s behavior toward you often go ignored? Narcissistic adaptations may be to blame.
2. Black and White Thinking — This hallmark of narcissistic behavior is the key to their fragile self-esteem. Everyone (including the narcissist themselves) is either entirely perfect or a horrible degenerate. They cannot accept any criticism because this rips them off of their pedestal and places them in the latter category, essentially worthless. You may notice this theme in their characterizations of others — the narcissist might describe someone as a heinous monster, only for an ordinary human being to be revealed when you meet the person yourself. Someone who is idealized by the narcissist might be described in a saintly manner, devoid of any flaw…and it will be no surprise when reality does not bear that out.
3. False Image Projection — If you didn’t know them well, you might just think this person is too good to be true! (They are.) Narcissists are obsessed with how they appear to others, and a pro-social one will make sure that they are viewed as compassionate, kind, and morally superior in every way. If this person appears flawless to all but their inner circle, narcissistic tendencies might be to blame.
4. Help is Never Private — This person has probably gone to the ends of the earth for you — and they won’t let you forget it! A narcissistic helper will not simply be there for you and never bring it up again; their assistance comes with a lifetime of recognition. They often use their past help as a reason that you may not disagree with or distance yourself from them. If they are the type to engage in organized charity work, this will also be done only in a way that guarantees recognition. Research has indicated that “extreme altruism” is associated with narcissistic traits. If this person is extending themselves much farther to help others beyond what is considered typical, especially in a way that gets them noticed, their motivations are likely less than benign.

Handling a narcissist in your life is no easy task — especially those that are challenging to spot. It can be quite confusing to attempt to identify, especially when the narcissist will stop at nothing to convince you it isn’t so. Go with your gut — if this person is making you feel uncomfortable and violated, do not dismiss that. Human beings have an intuitive sense of danger that has evolved to help us survive. You have a right for your boundaries to be respected by those you interact with — don’t accept any excuses!

A narcissistic helper will bank on your feelings of inadequacy, and has likely influenced you to feel that you must rely on them. Trust this: the type of “help” they offer is not what you need. If you sacrifice whatever they offer in exchange for your independence from this toxic cycle, it will likely be a rough transition.

But you will never regret it.