Not Everything Happens for a Reason, and That’s Okay.
The timeless debate of Chaos vs. Cosmos. Does life have meaning? If so, then everything must serve a purpose! If not, then why does anything matter? Yet, we have free will so that means that the choices we make influence this World. This was the dialogue that continued in my head for most of my life, but recently I have gained a new perspective. As a Catholic and Stoic who believes in a rational, ordered universe, it was difficult to grasp at first. The reality is that there are some things that happen in this world that are no more than the outcome of the free will of another. That’s okay.
The Cosmos That Surrounds Us
It was something out of a book, a classic story of two almost-lovers reunited and given a second chance together. After my hospitalization, life looked very different for me. The high-speed world that I was promised was no more. I no longer had a 30-year career path in the military. I couldn’t even play contact sports. I was overwhelmed with an intense longing to go somewhere, to do something, and to find my purpose. So, I packed up all my things and set out for South Texas at the first chance I got. All the sudden, everything came to life. I had a new house, job, and church, and new opportunities.
As it just so happened, a dear friend from undergrad was also moving to the same city. Naturally, we both wanted to catch up after being apart for nearly two years. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed her company. She invited me to dinner. I accepted. What happened next was something I never expected.
Before I go any further, I’ll provide a little backstory. I was originally to commission in the Marine Corps. She had also considered military service, so we were both in the Military Studies program at Texas A&M. We were partners on a project and quite honestly, there was a connection since day one. Again, it was something straight from fiction the way it came together. I don’t know why I was hesitant even when she made the first move. I told myself that it just wasn’t the right time. Regardless, I had bigger things to focus on after getting medically disqualified from military service, and she met someone else the next semester. Naturally we drifted apart, but still made contact from time to time.
Later on the evening we reunited, her boyfriend said some unforgivable things to her over the phone in a drunken rage. The whole situation turned into chaos. Three days later, she was single again, and here I was just trying to be a good friend while fighting off some feelings for her. In some ways, it felt like it was all that God intended.
The Choices We Make
A week later, we were hanging out at the lake with friends. The day before I had just had the third girl that year tell me “This isn’t what I want.” so I was in need of a good time. She had just gotten out of a two-year relationship. I think you can tell where this is going. To no one’s surprise, she kissed me by the end of the night. While I wanted it to happen eventually and now seemed as good of a time as ever, part of me wasn’t so convinced it was right.
Things really came about rather quickly unintentionally when I kissed her a week or so later. At some point in time, I decided that all that I ever wanted was right in front of me and the only right time and place was here and now. So, I dared to make that dream a reality. Over time, one of the most wonderful and organic relationships that I have ever been in came into full bloom. Life had never been fuller. It seemed too good to be true. It most definitely was.
The Chaos In Between Us
Then came the doubt and uncertainty. First, it was over differing religious views. Then, over the idea of a committed relationship. Thoughts about the different sacrifices to be made and doubts about if either of us were ready pervaded the foundation of our relationship. Suddenly, it had turned from a dream into a nightmare even if those doubts, fears, and reservations were valid. I knew I was asking a lot of her. In the end, it ended up a sunken ship at the bottom of the ocean never to see the light of day again. In a matter of a week, I had lost it all. To make matters worse, I let my emotions and some bad judgement get the better of me which caused us to no longer be on speaking terms just as things might have been getting better. Questions began to flood my mind like waves piercing the hull of a ship. What does this all mean? Why did this have to happen in the first place? Was all this necessary? Does it have to be this way? Was becoming Catholic the right thing to do? Will I ever make the right decision?
The Good That It Brings
“Did it ever occur to you that this might not be what God intended? That this is not necessarily something He brought upon you but rather merely the outcome of the gift of free will and our fallen nature as humans?”
My chest tightened as the words filled the room. I looked at my counselor and she looked back at me. Quite honestly, I didn’t know what to say even though I knew it had some truth to it. As the man I am, I will never fully know or understand God’s will. However, the absolute truth is that all things we endure can be used for good by Him no matter the circumstances, but it requires us to participate in that process. We have to trust in Him. This means that we must wholeheartedly lean into the people and opportunities that are present in our lives. We ought to engage with our surroundings in such a way that we become who we were created to be. We must share our stories so that we can learn from one another and support one another. Above all else remember this:
“Loss is change, and change is Nature’s delight.”
~ Meditations, Marcus Aurelius
Amongst the Cosmos that surrounds us, the choices we make, and the Chaos in between us, there is good that can be brought any God from all of this should we choose to allow it to happen.
Joseph Mohr is an Analyst, Catholic, Athlete, Stoic, and, most importantly, a Floral Enthusiast. He graduated from Texas A&M in 2019 with a B.S. in Human Geography but quickly became an aspiring polymath. In his spare time, he enjoys studying architecture, psychology, language, and the arts. He is a lover of running, lifting, drawing, nature, and chicken sandwiches.
