Our Need For Certainty
And how to cope in an uncertain world.
The other day I did my usual Target run to replenish our family’s supply of necessary snacks, household items and other basics. By now, half empty shelves don’t shock me anymore and seeing everyone wearing a face covering is also something I’ve grown used to. Having made it through three months of home-schooling and six weeks of summer break with four kids at home, I feel that I’ve managed the COVID challenges pretty well so far. During rough moments of increased anxiety, I’d remind myself of all that is still good in my life and I’d practice being in the moment to shift away from negative thoughts. At other times, I’d find the silver lining of my changed situation to help me focus on the positives, or I’d take some time to meditate or go for a walk to calm my mind. I’d gotten pretty good at managing those moments of anxiety, so I thought I was handling this changed world just fine.
Until I spotted the Back-to-School Supplies section at Target. I simply couldn’t ignore the heavy feeling that came over me. As I stared at those brand-new backpacks neatly hanging on their racks with their various designs of floral patterns, rainbow unicorns, sprinkled doughnuts, and brave superheroes, they seemed to radiate a sense of optimism for a great school year ahead, which was in stark contrast to my feelings. My negative state wasn’t so much about the idea that school won’t be the same for our kids for a long time, if ever. I had already accepted that reality as well as I could. My heaviness had to do with the realization that I still couldn’t plan for back-to-school. I could not make any decisions about back-to-school yet, because I didn’t know what it would look like. Our school district hadn’t made final decisions yet about whether or not our students would return to their classrooms or stay home to attend virtual classes. In that moment, I became fully aware of the many things I still could not plan for which made me feel defeated, overwhelmed and sad. I wondered if I’d end up buying any of those backpacks.
That moment in Target symbolized all that I’ve tried not to think about. The initial challenges with the coronavirus for me was dealing with fears. Now it’s dealing with the reality of not being able to plan the many events that I was used to organizing and this hit me hard. As it becomes clear that this virus will potentially plague us for a few years, all those occasions that we cannot arrange for, such as planning for a new school year, for vacations, family reunions, birthday parties or other celebrations, start to add up. And, as the list gets longer of all the things that have become unpredictable, our sense of powerlessness and overwhelm grows with it. We are used to planning our lives. We are used to preparing for future events after which we take them off our to do list, giving us a sense of completion and leaving us mental space for other things. Not knowing what school, Thanksgiving, Christmas or our family vacation looks like can make us feel restless, sad and powerless.
It’s one thing to know how to manage anxiety, it’s another to know how to deal with all the loose ends in our lives that we currently can’t tie together. The more we feel we are not in control of our lives, the more negative emotions we’ll likely experience. Once I realized this, I knew that I needed to shift my focus. I needed to focus on what I can control and can plan and take charge.
So, the next day I texted a couple of my friends to set something up with them. It’s always nice to have something fun to look forward to and (safe) socializing is more important than ever during this crisis. I also decided to give myself a pedicure because I had no idea when my salon would open for business again. That same week I bought some fresh plants to spruce up my courtyard. I spend a lot of time in that outdoor space, so being in a more inspired environment helps me feel better. Next on my list was a shopping trip with my two oldest daughters. It was time for them to expand their wardrobe a bit anyway. Another thing to plan for was a little day trip with the family. On top of that, I realized I needed to get more serious about planning my dinners. I hardly even cook during the summer because my husband loves to barbeque and my kids usually help him and often whip up a salad or something else that’s easy, such as rice or pasta. Lately, I managed to do even less. It had been too long since I had prepared a complete meal. So, I went grocery shopping and planned for the next few dinners. Arranging for all of those things made me feel a whole lot better.
When we take charge and focus on what we can control we tend to feel better. There is so much in life that is beyond our control and if we mostly focus on that, life becomes overwhelming and we start to feel that we are being lived, instead of us making life happen. Ultimately, we are co-creators of our lives and it’s up to us to decide how we want to do this. It’s important that we continue to plan our lives.
Even though I still don’t know what going back to school looks like for my children, I will know soon enough. It’s a reminder for me to be patient and to take an active role in co-creating my life however possible, so I don’t feel defeated by the many things I cannot currently plan. For now, I will enjoy the summer because before we know it school will be in no matter what that looks like.
Here’s to making life happen, however we can.
Danielle
