Pancakes Are Hard Drugs
You aren’t young enough to be eating those
I was cruising along Mainstreet, you know the corner — right at the north end of town before it turns hard left to funnel you onto the tourist strip or skooches right to … well, no one really knows where.
Anyhow, I was keeping a close eye on traffic as these out-of-towners drive like teens on crack when I had an epiphany.
It’s not just teenagers who are on crack. Or meth or booze or oxy. It’s 98% of Americans.
Let me explain.
Pancakes are a delicious wheat-based product that took the world by storm sometime around the fall of the Roman Empire. That is a scientifically proven historical fact.
Like most comestibles, they are also a potent drug. One that will mess you up and generally cause you to end up exactly like your parents. That’s right: you’ll wear khakis or capris and sport out-of-fashion jeans and spend your weekends doing yard work. You’ll scold kids to “quiet down.” This list goes on — the hazards are real if you keep eating this way.
Wheat is heroin and pancakes are its purest form
It’s a free country and you can eat what you want, but before you put another bite of French baguette into your mouth, consider the eerie resemblance between wheat and its dark cousin, heroin:
· Quickly enters the bloodstream
· Cheap and easy to procure
· Can snort if absolutely necessary
· Will cause you to blather on about your ”lost decade.”
· Requires waiting in line a la methadone clinic
· You’ll pay for (and drink) I-Hop coffee
Wheat also induces a stupor and makes most users sleepy and unproductive for several hours.
And judging by the line along Central Avenue, gluten-laden pancakes and waffles are opioids.