Reconnecting with my Womanhood
A journey of acceptance
This particular word has been a long-time foe of mine: womanhood. It seemed that I was never feminine enough, that my behavior contradicted the very essence of what it means to be a woman. I felt so annoyed and frustrated by my inability to abide by its rules and definitions. Because this is what femininity was for me: yet another thing that I failed at.
I remember quite well the day I got my period. It was a Sunday. It was snowing beautifully outside and the entire room was illuminated by this magic, soft light. I spend all of that day in bed, weeping. Why was this happening to me? Why couldn’t I just continue with my stuff, like before? Why was this such a big thing?
The very next day, my mom took me to the doctor’s office. I was measured, weighed, analyzed, scrutinized. You need to sit like a lady from now on. You need to lose weight. Stop wearing such baggy clothes. So many new rules I needed to follow. So many things I needed to be.
The women in my family are so strong. Both my mother and her mother are the embodiment of womanhood: they take care of the family, of the house, they wear dresses and cook amazing food. They raised me and still work every day, my mom as a teacher and my grandma tending to her garden.
They knew that being a woman is not easy. So they taught me to be more than that: how to always have good grades and respect my teachers, how to curl my hair and wear skirts, but not too short, how I needed a boyfriend to turn into a husband, but not lose my virginity, how to have a career that allows me to make more and more money but always stay ambitious, how to settle down and have a child, before its too late, be independent, but always stick by your family. And I couldn’t do any of them right. I was trying so hard, but it was never enough to be declared a proper woman.
There were so many opposites that I needed to reconcile. My sexuality and my piety, my obedience and my independence, my growth and my family’s roots. And one can only take so much before all of these things cancel you out and you are left wondering who am I?
Because nobody knows what being a woman is. We have all these ancient and new rules, all these entities drawing up maps of how we should behave, of how our bodies should look like and what our thoughts should be, that it’s hard to set up your own road. But after years of therapy and self-awareness, I think I’m on the right track.
How about we don’t try to define femininity or womanhood? And instead, let it reveal itself? Be genuine. Be us. Be me.
So, this year, on International Women’s Day I want to make a pledge to myself. Not as a woman, but as a living, breathing soul:
- To respect my boundaries and remove the people or entities that don’t.
- To love my body and take care of every inch of it.
- To be proud of who I have become, my accomplishments, and my failures.
- To be patient and give myself time to understand my emotions.
- To allow myself to experience all emotions: to mourn for my losses, and rejoice in my wins, whichever they may be.
- To take a break from time to time and rest my body and my mind.
- To accept my insecurities and embrace growth.
- To embrace intimacy and not feel ashamed.
- To love people, even if they don’t reciprocate.
- To let myself be happy.
I choose to challenge the definitions applied to womanhood and women in general. I choose to be me.
