The Scary Parts of Therapy Nobody Talks About
WTF do we do with all this emotion?
Without Prejudice
Therapy is good. Therapy can actually be life-changing. With the right therapist, i.e. one suited to the needs of the client and understanding of the issues in hand, it adds so much value to a person’s life. I’m a huge advocate, now that I’ve spent the last couple of years regularly attending one who has had such a positive influence on my life and how I view things. Yes, you’ve guessed it, there’s a “but” coming up…
But…(and there it is!)…Holy crap! The emotional stuff that comes up after a while is beyond comprehension! First of all, I sought a therapist when things began to feel too overwhelming. I had come out of an abusive relationship which spanned over decades, so it was fairly obvious to me (as I thought!), why I was feeling this way. The abuse didn’t stop (as I had naively imagined it would) after I’d ended the relationship and had protection in place from the courts. Oh no! It just took on other forms. At this point, I was at my wit’s end. I wasn’t coping financially or emotionally, and it was having a negative impact on my well-being, my work, and my ability to parent my children properly. It felt like one missile after another was coming at me, and my armour was falling off, piece by piece. So I rang and made an appointment, not knowing what to expect.
I was dubious the first time I entered that small therapy room. It had minimal furniture — the therapist’s chair, along with another comfy chair (with cushion) and a small side table holding a tree-shaped light. It depicted calm, but I felt far from it. Funnily enough, I didn’t notice the large box of tissues until later into the session (perhaps they were irrelevant at the time?). It was at this first session, after a small amount of form-filling, that I outlined the reasons I (thought I) was there. There may have been a few tears shed, possibly from shame or embarrassment at feeling I couldn’t cope alone. It’s strange how, in the beginning, my focus was all about “here’s what’s happened, now please offer me some help or advice”! Bless! I was that naive, I actually thought there would be a simple quick-fix. Or better yet, this guy might tell me I was wasting time and money and I should cop myself on, that everyone goes through hard times, so, basically I didn’t need therapy. Wishful thinking!
Turns out, I was burying stuff. A lot of stuff, in fact. Emotional stuff that stems waaaaayyyyy back to my childhood. I’m only now at the tip of the iceberg, hacking away very slowly. And it seems we all have different ways of protecting ourselves from harm — fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. For anyone wishing to find out more about this, I highly recommend “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving”, by Pete Walker — it gives great insight! Turns out my main go-to was “fawn”, with some “flight” and “freeze” thrown in whenever the situation so required. It’s a coping mechanism. And, as part of this coping mechanism comes the learned ability to stuff down emotions and pretend they don’t exist! All very well, you would think, until…at some point of therapy, you suddenly realize that you are no longer stuffing down emotions. The floodgates open without any warning, and suddenly…WHOOSH! A big f*cking sob comes out of nowhere, and you have absolutely no control over it anymore. Be prepared.
But guess what? It’s ok. When you are with the right therapist, it doesn’t matter if you’re sobbing hysterically for twenty minutes, or “effing and blinding” your ex in the most flowery language imaginable throughout the entire session, there’s no judgement. It’s a safe space. Hugs may be offered and may be frequent and long in the beginning. Cushions may be punched. Old wounds will be opened up and torn apart. Feelings are felt. Big time! That zombie-like state of orderly emotional control you may have once had will cease to exist. Cathartic doesn’t even begin to describe how beneficial it is over time.
I noticed recently that I haven’t felt the urge to cry too much anymore, but even when I do, it’s like “meh! so what? I’m crying, get over it!”. It’s no biggy.
But there are other emotions too…and this is the tricky part. Therapy sessions are limited, in that they are specific in start and stop times. But real life happens outside of that safe space too. Our therapists may not be available 24/7, nor could most of us afford to have them so (although emergency situations are often the exception to the rule, I was relieved to discover on one solitary occasion). Opening up those floodgates means we are exposing ourselves to other emotions we have been pushing down for a long time…anger and fear, for example. Oh boy! These are tough ones to tame once they begin to poke their noses out. And when they start to put in more regular appearances at the most inopportune times…Aaaaaaaaarrrrrgggghhhh!!! But, through regular therapy, you learn to recognize them, feel them, accept them, and manage them in healthy ways.
On the up side (pardon the pun here!) many positive emotions will also begin to surface, such as sexual desire, and, hard as it may be (again, pardon the pun!) to believe, you will start to feel joy and excitement again. That energy may have been brewing for a long time, and it has to channel it’s way out safely somehow. Therapy helps release it (no, not in that way! Get your mind out of the gutter, please…). If you have been supressing sexual feelings and needs for a long time and, as in my case, at some point resigned yourself to the fact you will never again trust a member of the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s your preference) in an intimate capacity, then my advice to you is to boundary up before acting on it. Otherwise, you may find these emotions landing on the first innocent, or not-so-innocent, bystander who glances your way! Risky business! This may be fine for some anyway (obviously where mutual consent has been established first), but if it’s out of character for you, then be prepared and stay safe.
For any of you who experienced abuse in childhood, or in previous intimate relationships, it’s important you talk openly with your therapist about your feelings and sexual experiences, prior or current, so you can also manage these feelings in a healthy way and move forward faster in your healing. Again, there’ll be no judgement.
I will also add that, however bad or inadequate you may have been made feel in a previous relationship, there is absolutely nothing stopping you from having a great and fulfilling relationship, sexual or otherwise, with someone more deserving of you, should you choose to do so. But…do the work on yourself first.
Just my tuppence worth!
Thank you for reading.
